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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does not remember- really?!?!
shortee126
♀ Member
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had posted on here last week about the need to know all of the "dirty" details of the affair and how it has really been getting to me. I talked to FWH about this and told him that I was really feeling the need to know what he did with AP and he told me that he does not remember.
I really have a hard time believing this and wonder if he is saying this as a way to protect me or if he really does not remember. Although I do not understand how he can not remember what he did since I can not forget.
Do you think that he really does not remember?


BS- 35
WS-34
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He remembers. He just doesn't want to have to rehash it with you. And that is just too damn bad. If he wants R he has to follow protocol.

[This message edited by SpiderGrl at 9:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a thread in General titled, "I don't remember" with a number of responses that you may find interesting.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1982 | Registered: Nov 2011
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drives me nuts. "I don't remember..." LIke the 78 minute conversation my WH had with his AP three days after Dday....claims he was so messed up and upset by it all (claims he actually almost killed himself...I had to talk him out of it while he was staying at an apartment) that he doesn't remember the conversation. B.S. is what I call on that one. You remember it very well...I don't know what he said to her but as far as I know there has been no contact since then.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The I can't remembers make me want to vomit!!! Don't trust that BS!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 134 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complete nonsense. He remembers at least part of it. Every time I got an "I don't know" or "I don't remember", it turned out later that he absolutely did, he just didn't want to tell me or was hiding some small betrayal.

Here's how I got the truth through the "I don't remembers":

Don't just ask a general question, like, "what happened in bed with AP?" and then accept that he forgot. Whenever you hear "I don't remember," ask him to walk you through what he does remember.

Ask him to literally walk you through piece by piece by piece, tiny step by tiny step, ask questions when he leaves something out, and then you can see exactly where his memory "fails" him. Explore "I don't remember" thoroughly, with questions like, "So your mind is just a huge blank from the moment you took your clothes off to the moment you put them back on? I don't think so. Let's find out exactly where your memory fails you. Walk me through everything that you do remember. In detail. Start from [insert last thing you know happened, example, 'you guys walk in from the car']."

Ask for mental images, impressions, things that flash through his mind. There may be some pieces he actually doesn't remember (who opened the door to the house?), but there is always something he CAN give you.

Every time I required WH to do this, and go over and over it, he couldn't keep his story straight, and finally just broke down and told me the truth. Sadly, having to get the truth from him this way, instead of having him volunteer information, was very painful.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice im gonna use that


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 134 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think of it this way: remember your last trip to the grocery store.

Do you remember EXACTLY what you did in every aisle, every thing you bought, and how much each item cost? No. But you probably have a recollection of grabbing a cart, a visual of picking up some toothpaste and putting it down, looking at something in the freezer aisle, picking up a magazine at checkout.

You didn't get the damn shopping cart and then lose your memory until you woke up putting the grocery bags in your car, that's completely ridiculous.

If he says he literally doesn't remember a single piece of it, he's lying - how does he even know he had sex with her, then? If he "doesn't remember"? And if he continues to insist, I'd make him go through the experience of getting an MRI so they can look for brain tumors, because someone who happens to lose huge chunks of their memory only during sex has a major neurological problem (hah!)

I think we as BS want to believe SO SO SO badly, we're just clinging to anything they give us that will bring us comfort, some part of us actually wants to take an "I don't remember". But I just think that kind of answer is a huge impediment to moving forward.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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