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Newest Member: EverythingAfter (44970)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wanting to be the OW
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it almost feels safer being her because she wasn't cheated on

By safe does that mean you feel she had control over a situation you did not and the real issue is that you're afraid of being stuck in another situation where you lack information on and by extension control over events?

eta:

Speculation in the form of a question, sorry.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:04 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7448 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's more that she had nothing to lose. So wouldn't it be nice to feel that way.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1720 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And ya know...this is all giant buzzkill. I just weighed in for today and I've official hit 50 pounds. The last month has been an up and down between 47 and 49 pounds. Part of me is like, "yeaaaaaaaa!!! " And the other just remembers the triggers.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1720 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You definitely need to stick with the side that says Yeaaaa!!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats ChinaDoll.



Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TattoodChinaDoll

What they had was not real. They didn't go out amongst friends with couples night and amongst family activities. It was hidden where noone else could see they were ashamed.
I would never want to be that person. I see that person in my BGF and she just lies and lies so much she isn't the same person I knew before and it saddens me.
Be the best you can be. Lose weight exercise so it makes YOU feel good. We can't control our spouses but we can control how we think and what WE do for ourselves.
Don't ever want to be like the OW ever! As a matter of fact I am just the opposite of both and love myself for it! I am warm loving and nurturing. I deeply care about other people and could NEVER hurt someone in the manner they did! I know in the looks department I am 200 x better there sooo. Again their cheating is on them. Don't let it change the beautiful YOU!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And of course no I don't want his broken. His broken was what was emotionally abusing me for many years.

This is why it feels to me like the thoughts of A's being fake doesn't comfort me. If he was broken at the time (and I'm not convinced he was), I'm the one who got his *broken*, his cruel words and harshness. Meanwhile they got his happy self, they didn't get the unkind words or treatment. They got him at his best, not his worst. And, at least, in my H's case, I think they did get his true self. Realized too late that he has no moral problems with what he did. That's the difference. Someone who is remorseful, who doesn't feel infidelity is a value of theirs, then yes, the AP might have gotten them at their worst because they were contradicting their own values. But my H? His values were in line with having "game". Wish I'd known sooner.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it silverhopes. How he treated her in her moments of need was not how he ever treated me. Begging and sobbing for answers and getting lies. Telling him how this made me want to die and still treating me like crap. (I'm talking about the past not the present). So was what he gave her fake and me real? He gave her more sympathy, understanding, and tried to build her up more than he had did for me.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1720 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Desserts - that made me cry. Thank you.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this a lot. I am 57 with a bit of a tummy, and OW is 26, and a part-time pole dancer. I can't believe that fWH doesn't make a comparison. I already had body issues, but this has made them worse. I try to think "Fuck him, my life would probably be easier without him", but I haven't convinced myself yet. After his first A, I lost 20 pounds from stress and grief. It didn't happen this time, unfortunately.

I thought running might help, so I went through the whole Couch to 5K program and lost not one ounce. :(

[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 2:27 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2013
thecosmogirl
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustDesserts, that was beautiful.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want no part of what she got of my H. She got the absolute broken parts of him. She can have that, what I want now is what he is working on, the parts he is working on to make better. I have zero desire to ever be the person that allowed me to take so callously with no regard for myself or my H again.
There is no specialness or goodness in what happened, only brokenness.

I agree with tired girl. There is no way I would have wanted that side. At least I had the best side of him for many years.

I can see how eerily similar MOW and WH were as far as their lack of empathy and inability to take responsibility for their wrongdoings. They were a perfect match for dysfunction.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How he treated her in her moments of need was not how he ever treated me.

I can relate to this because my WH showed MOW more sympathy than me after his A ended.

Early in our R and M I had seen the kind of moments you are referring to, but during and after the A not so much. I am not sure why this changes. My WH is just now starting to feel sympathy for me but I honestly don't need it anymore because when I did need it from him it wasn't there. I found sympathy from my friends and family. I healed myself on my own in therapy.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, TCD. I felt that way too, for a long time after I learned there was an OW.

One thing that was hard was when word got out about her, people wanted to see what she looked like and then it was immediate that they compared her to me! Friends did this from long ago, people asked her name, wanted to google, to fb search and so on...it was awful.

Ironically X also made comparisons to myself and to DD about the "new family" he had entwined himself with and abandoned us for and had the need, after false R, to tell me. He said too, things that were not in her favor, but a counselor said that often people look for faults to help blame others.

Sorry to speak of my situation on your thread and I hope that in time, you'll think of the OW less.

What helped me, FWIW, was the realization that the more I thought of "it", the more importance it took on and I was horrified at that.

A counselor told me that in some sense, I did have control over that part, because I have control over myself. And Ow didn't get the better part of X, or his money, even when he retires, or if he dies, the benefits come here...she "gets" the person, his problems, his crap, his attitude...we "get" his benefits, some money ...and peace.

The counselor said also, it's what will be tolerated in some places and not others.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see and understand what you are writing. Teach has said so many of the same things to me. I took everything that would have made her feel special and truely loved and put them on someone else. I didn't give Teach the honor and respect she deserves. Not just as my wife and mother of my sons, but as a woman and human being. I'm wondering if you think that those kind of feelings won't be complete for you, why would you want to stay? If you WS does make all the changes and you do rec. Will that be enough for you? Can you ever truely love someone who has broken so much?

Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@thecosmogirl, bionicgal, itsaclimb, & Painfuljourney:

Thank you all for your words. They make me feel like I'm on the right track.

As important as the Wayward Side is for my growth, understanding and recovery, I find Reconciliation to be the place where I can see BS's and WS's hoping to...or even better actually achieving...a rebirth together in the face of very long odds.

Seeing the examples here of that hope, perseverance, trust, and love...very powerful and touching to this wayward's healing heart. VERY!

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 56
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