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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what to do with this trigger?
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had this trigger since h and I have been back together. I have not confronted it in a real way just pushed it away, refused to acknowledge it.

It came on last night and it was bad. It's his hands. I kept getting "pictures" in my head of where those hands have been.

We were lying on the couch, his hands were sore from roofing yesterday. I got lotion and was massaging his hands. These "pictures" kept popping into my head. I got so anxious, rapid heart, twitching came back, haven't done that in a while.

What the heck can you do with this one? He can't get new hands! I tried rationalizing with myself...it's been months, it wasn't important, it wasn't "real", look where you are now, even he has washed them many times.

It made me feel ill. It made me want to get away from him.

Earlier in the evening, h read my post from the other day, I asked him to. I was a long one about this time last year and all of my thoughts and pain because of it.

I asked him what he thought and his only reply was, "it's what we were talking about before". We had talked a little about it, but not much. When we were talking he did say, " I'm sorry I did that".

I guess I was hoping for a more emotional response from him when he read the raw version of my pain. A hug, maybe more comforting words. It is just not in him. I think I set myself up for disappointment.

After he read it, I went to him and said, "can I ask you one question?". He instantly got impatient, roll of the eyes, deep sigh. He did quickly apologize and say "okay, I'm sorry, what is it?". I just wanted to know if it made him feel angry to read my unfiltered words. He said no.

That was it. Nothing else was said about it.

As I was triggering, he noticed, hard not to when I twitch (embarrassing), he asked "what's wrong?", I replied, "I am having a difficult time with something in my head". He didn't respond. I didn't say anymore either. I chose not to because I could sense his distance. I chose not to because I was already hurting and just couldn't take on any more last night. I didn't want to risk him hurting me.

Does anyone ever do that, wait until it feels safe to share something painful?

And then, what can he do about his hands???

I am wondering if the "hand" thing came up so powerfully because of the way I was feeling about his reaction to my post. I felt alone. I felt like he still just does not understand.

I still hope that maybe today or tomorrow, he will be able to respond more meaningfully. I have to stop hoping for more than he can give. Just share what hurts and accept his response and over time, over lots of time, maybe it will be enough.

Again, just need to get this out. It must have been painful for him to read that. It would be easier for me if he could share that with me. I feel like I am assuming and I cannot do that. I need to hear from him what he thinks and feels. That is what helps me to feel more secure.

I do try to focus on the present, I try so hard to appreciate what he is doing now, how he is behaving now. It is hard to be patient when I am in so much pain. It is hard to be patient when I know that each time he does express empathy, remorse it helps me heal a little bit more.

I am trying.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I was triggering, he noticed, hard not to when I twitch (embarrassing), he asked "what's wrong?", I replied, "I am having a difficult time with something in my head". He didn't respond. I didn't say anymore either. I chose not to because I could sense his distance. I chose not to because I was already hurting and just couldn't take on any more last night. I didn't want to risk him hurting me.

Does anyone ever do that, wait until it feels safe to share something painful?

It is just not in him. I think I set myself up for disappointment.

If I'm already hurting and know anymore pain is more than I can handle at the moment, then yes I wait until I feel stronger.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you about the hands, I think the same things sometimes, but it's not as severe of a reaction as you are having.

As for his reaction to your post and his responses to you-I totally get it! I feel this same way all the time. I never see any emotion. I think I set myself up for dissapointment a lot too.

You asked if anyone else waits until they feel safe to share something painful. Yes. All the time. I don't know if it's good or not though. Probably not. In fact, FWBF just complained the other day that I never tell him how I'm feeling anymore and this is exactly why. It's gotten to where I just don't tell him because I know I'm not going to get what I need to feel better and that makes me feel worse. I've tried to tell him what I need, but I don't think he gets it.

Is your H on SI? I always feel like if my FWBF read more on here he would understand more what I need.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. ((cantaccept))


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is just not in him. I think I set myself up for disappointment.

I have done ^^^ this a lot in the last 13 or so months. The thing is my fWH and I are very different people - I am very emotional, very "in-touch" with my emotions and the emotions of those around me, before I say or do a thing I generally think "how will this make the person I am with feel?" (classic co-dependency thing that) My fWH on the other hand, has a VERY hard time recognising what he is feeling (how does that work? How can you NOT know??) and articulating it and he is not at all in touch with the feelings of others. I have SUCH a hard time with this!

In my head, I assume that he sees a situation the way I do and that the emotions the situation arouses are the same for him as they would be for me, were I in his shoes. I am just now beginning to understand that that is not the case at all. In X-situation, I think "abc" and feel "abc", I assume hubby will also think and feel "abc"... so I expect him to react the way I would. Uh-huh! In X-situation, hubby thinks and feels "def", so he reacts completely differently to the way I would... and there I sit - disappointed! It's like we speak a different language about these things! How can I expect him to reply in my language? Bottom line is, I can't! It is soooo frustrating!

I am slowly, in small baby-steps learning that I can't have those expectations of him. I really can't. It's unfair to him and it's unfair to me too, because I am continually left frustrated and disappointed.

I maybe way off kilter here, but I get the feeling that you may be in the same position as me?

About the hands. YES. I totally get it. I am frequently triggered by his hands and his lips. It can really turn me into a gibbering idiot sometimes! I hope in time those strong feelings will pass. One silly little thing that helped me is that I read somewhere that the skin regenerates itself very quickly... so in reality the skin that touched her is long gone... it DIED... the skin that I am touching NEVER touched her... thank heavens for that!!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 782 | Registered: Oct 2012
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I have learned from my IC, and has really helped is how I ask a question.
Ask yourself the question and see if you can give just a yes or no answer.
If you can you need to ask the question in a way wh can't just respond with yes or no.
Example
Did the post make you feel angry?
He said no
You could have asked, how did that post make you feel?

My fwh has worked very hard in the past few months on the emotional part of our relationship. He now does not say yes or no, but lets me know his feelings. Something that has taken him 2 years to realize that just having a strong physical connection in our marriage is not enough.

Hope this helps


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also worry too much about how he will feel when I talk about what has hurt me. I get that my pain is a result of his actions but I do find it hard to say things that will hurt even though they are true. Trying to push through that and do it anyway but it is still hard.

I love the shedding of skin concept. It just kills me, it feels like a physical stab when I look at those hands, those hands that I loved. I have always had a thing for his hands, loved the way they looked, how they felt on me.

When I get those "pictures" I want to scream out, stop, don't do it, please don't do it. It is too late, can't go back, can't undo.

I hate this, it just seems so hard sometimes.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tarnished,

That was my first question to h after he read my post.

"how did reading that make you feel?"

His response,"it's what we have already talked about".

I try but if he isn't ready to deal he won't, he shuts down.

My question about feeling angry was to reinforce to myself that it is ok to show the "raw" pain now, that it is safe. It hasn't always been safe. For probably the first 6 months that he was back I could never predict how he would respond to me.

Sometimes he would comfort but sometimes he would be so hurtful, angry, cause more damage.

It has been such a struggle, it seems that he has only begun to be able to be supportive and he is just not that good at it. At least he doesn't lash out at me. I guess I still fear that, don't trust the changes yet.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my head, I assume that he sees a situation the way I do and that the emotions the situation arouses are the same for him as they would be for me, were I in his shoes. I am just now beginning to understand that that is not the case at all. In X-situation, I think "abc" and feel "abc", I assume hubby will also think and feel "abc"... so I expect him to react the way I would. Uh-huh! In X-situation, hubby thinks and feels "def", so he reacts completely differently to the way I would... and there I sit - disappointed! It's like we speak a different language about these things! How can I expect him to reply in my language? Bottom line is, I can't! It is soooo frustrating!

My WH & I are completely opposites in almost every way.

After reading The Five Love Languages I realized he did show me love, I just didn't recognize it. I think it was the same for him. Now we try to show our love both ways, the way that's natural to us and the way the other person would like it.

Is everyday great? No, but a lot of days are better.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 8

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