Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: tryingtoR (44315)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are the components of R?
Kingsj
♂ New Member
Member # 40776
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only a few weeks from my first D-day. I want to R with my WW, mostly for the children and to keep our family together. I do love her, and I believe we can make things work eventually, but I have some serious concerns.

My WW will barely talk about the A. When I have brought it up, only a handful of times, she shuts down, gets angry, and starts playing the blame game. I am not making excuses for her choices, but I do believe she was suffering in our marriage and things would have to change significantly to make it work.

The purpose of my post, however, is what needs to happen in order to start sincere R? Is there anything I can do to move in that direction?

I know this has to be a two person effort, and if I get to the point I feel I am alone, I'm done. But I want to keep all options open for as long as possible.

Thank you for any advice, experiences, and/or examples you can share.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Dayton, OH
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a wealth of information on R in the Healing Library.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp


Posts: 33945 | Registered: Mar 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am only a few weeks from my first D-day.

The choices are not just R or D. There is a third option, "Not Divorcing", and this is what I recommend for you for now.

It is widely acknowledged that it takes 2 to R.

My WW will barely talk about the A. When I have brought it up, only a handful of times, she shuts down, gets angry, and starts playing the blame game.

This is not a WW who is ready to be a full and rational M partner. She needs to understand why she had her A (other than the reasons blaming you), and have taken steps to repair her issues before she can fully participate as a M partner to try to R the M.

Is there anything I can do to move in that direction?

Notify the OMís BS if there is one and you have not already done so. Then I suggest you set out the boundaries, the requirements that you have for her in order for you to "Not Divorce" at this time. Common boundaries soon after dday are NC with AP, transparency with access to email, cell phones, schedule accountability, etc. Her attending IC to help figure out why she had her A may be another boundary or requirement. Having her read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discussing them with you may be more. Her and you being tested for STDs is another important early step.

When your WW has demonstrated trustworthiness in NC, transparency, etc and has figured out and owned her Whys for the A, then she may be ready to work with you on R.

While you are Not Divorcing her, this is a good time to rediscover yourself. Cultivate a social network of friends, revisit hobbies or activities you may have given up when you M. Consider IC for yourself to help work through your post dday feelings and thoughts. Talk with an attorney, not to file, but to understand the legal implications for you in your state. Start setting aside some money that only you have access to, and work on budgeting so if D is the final answer you will have the funds to do so.

Best Wishes and keep posting and reading.



LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4087 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree. I like the 'Not Divorcing", astenaotie!

Yes, and take your time to compose what it is you need for your wife to do. All of these things that Ast so wisely pointed out.

You should also try to come up with what the consequence will be if she decides to be NC, for instance, and then isn't. Know when you lay down your terms what will be the consequence. You should also identify which things are just plain deal breakers for you. That means she does one of those and you are walking, no questions asked.

Be prepared to follow through with whatever you lay out for her. If not, she will soon discover that you do not mean what you say.

Be willing to lose her, in order to save your M. Do not be desperate to keep her. Take an almost "You want your AP, go be with him, now."

Disclosure about the A needs to come at some point, you need to make sure that she is not still in the A (a lot go underground after dday). There cannot be R with three people in the equation.

See an attorney and know what your rights are. First consulations are usually free. Know what you can expect, etc...

Welcome and keep posting!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 4

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.