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User Topic: Trading Up? Self-esteem killer
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess, in a way, that I'm lucky (?). When looking up WH's escorts, most of them are not that attractive. However, mine was broken enough that he didn't really even try for the best looking younger ones. He lacked the confidence. There is one that he tried to hook up with that is hot, even imo, and she stood him up or something. I've read her reviews - I guess she has done that to a lot of guys. A couple of them were attractive enough, imo, and fortunately (?) for me, he tended to choose ones that were a little chunky like me so he stayed true to type for the most part.

But I totally get it anyway. You can't help but compare. You just do. And you feel like the second choice no matter what. Because you were at the time. That's really the bottom line. Despite your qualities and looks and brains and whatever else you've got going on, and I have no doubt you've got your own qualities like I do, our H's chose someone else at the time. Sure, it's his poor decision. It still hurts. Even when they come out of the fog and say what was I thinking? It doesn't go away. I can't imagine that I will ever stop comparing.

I was looking at some of them on the internet the other day, the new ones I just found out about. The pictures that they post are so laughable sometimes. I saw one with her dirty laundry basket sitting in the open closet behind her. What a selling point! A lot of them take the pictures themselves in their bathroom mirrors and you can see their scuzzy soap bars and their toilet paper, etc. Guess that "staging" is not their forte. But then again, guess the men don't even notice when they're surfing T&A.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I know - a hooker is a hooker, no matter what she calls herself. It's not these women I struggle with. It's the choice my WH made - he choose someone way more beautiful, younger, sexier than me. I can't compete with that (and I know, I can compete with a hooker, I can't compete with the package that he chose).

I'd imagine if you were paying for sex, you wouldn't pick the oldest, ugliest, most repugnant whore. And I'd also guess that if he were the sort to go for the "Hookers at the Point" kind, that would indicate an additional set of problems.

Like others have said, just by virtue of these women being prostitutes, there is something intrinsically wrong with them. Factor in that in the RW, these women prolly wouldn't have anything to do w/your H.


What's the old saw? Men pay for whores not for the sex, but for them to go away afterward.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His cheating has nothing to do with the hooker, her looks or you and your looks. It has everything to do with HIM and his immaturity, lack of self esteem and lack of morals.

It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)

Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the advice. I hate that this has happened to me and to the rest of you. In the meantime, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually, I'll make it to the finish line!

Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe we all struggle with this at least a little. Unless maybe the AP is 200 pounds over weight. has just 1 eye in the center of their forehead. has rotting teeth. and has the personality of a stone. Even then we would wonder why they chose that instead of us.

The truth as I see it is that at least for a time we certainly were number 2. And maybe the LTA ended such that we stay at number 2 or plan b. If this is true I doubt any WS would ever tell the truth of it to their BS.

All we can do is go on. For awhile at least the AP won. Our WS had the time of their life and when the real world came crashing down some of them came back to us. We will never know the truth about this because we can not see into their mind and our WS have no good reason to tell the truth (quite the opposite in fact).

For me. I just went on with my life. I do as I choose and live as I choose. If WW wants to come along fine. If not also fine.

Honestly I have frequently thought that the perfect revenge on them both would have been for them to end up together.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my SAWH's OW dropped him, he acted out and paid for a local prostitute. Then, while on an out-of-town business trip, he paid for two escorts (one at a time). I don't know what they looked like (although now that I know you can find out, I'm VERY curious), but I can tell you that they aren't doing this out of love or desire; they're doing this for money.

Funny story--because it's the only thing about this whole sordid affair that's funny. My husband was having ED problems during this "escort" stage. He was having a hard time getting it up with one of them, so the condom didn't stay on (or broke or something--we've never used them, so they're not something I'm familiar with). Anyway, she volunteered to go get one out of her car--and NEVER came back!!!!

So I don't know if she was pretty or not, but I know she couldn't turn him on and I can safely assume he did nothing for her. Her! A paid escort! She wasn't even willing to have sex with him. That's not very nice of me, but it's probably one of the few not-nice things I've ever done. And it's probably the only real consequence he'll have to pay. So it's fair--especially since he and I both know that if the situation were reversed, the male escort would be considering himself lucky!

I can't imagine thinking that it was a "trade up" in any way, shape, or form. No matter what she actually looked like, she was giving up her freedom of choice in a sex partner for a fee. What kind of woman does that?

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back on the whole trading up thing. We are talking about hookers in this particular case, but we need not be.

Physical is only part of a marriage/relationship. It may be more or less important to some people, but it is only a part. I remember doing a tune up a long time ago while finishing college with no money. I put really good spark plugs in a K-car. Probably equal to the best spark plugs I ever owned. Bottom line, they were still in an old K-car, probably the worst car I ever owned.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whores that my husband hired were some of the skankiest women I've ever seen. It upset me so much that he was willing to lose everything for a piece of trash, someone that I know he would never be caught dead in public with. My husband said it was because he didn't want to pay for the pretty ones. It was just about getting "off" almost like masturbating into a live blow up doll. So I guess what I'm saying is either way it would be upsetting. Either way it hurts.

And like previous posters said we are SO much better than them. I've been snooping on an escort forum just to see what they're like and man do they have sad existences. They worry about being outed to their families, about being raped and robbed. They wait around for the phone to ring worried that they won't be able to pay their bills that month. They complain about all the dirty disgusting men that they have to sleep with. Can you imagine living that life? We are better then them in every way.

[This message edited by 1devastedmom at 10:12 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 140 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel regarding the whole "affair up" thing, even though I rationally know that you can't affair up.

The OW in my situation was a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic. She's gorgeous. And her modeling pictures are on the internet. She has a perfect body, dark skin, long brown hair. He definitely "affaired up" in the looks department.

And I recently read messages between him and his brother, where he told his brother that he slept with her and cheated on me because "she was hot." I re-read those messages several times a day, and it just hits me right in the center of my heart. I know he found her very physically attractive, and I don't feel like I can compare to that. I mean... he obviously chose to sleep with her while with me because "she was hot."

My IC told me to sit down and make a list of all of my good qualities that men would want in me. I resisted at first, because all I could see was that she was prettier than me. But I finally did it, and it helped. Sometimes just seeing your good qualities written on paper can help. Maybe try to do that.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH cheated on me with me. The OW is literally my exact double except she smokes and is a brunette where I am a redhead. I showed her pic to my BFF and she was horrified at how exactly this woman looks like me, you would seriously think we had been twins separated at birth. It hit me hard let me tell you. I came here and posted and one reply said that even if she looked like me she was not me. I had class and dignity and self respect, she had none of these things, how could she and still spend time with a married man! No matter what we are always better than the affair person because of those characteristics!! Always remember that. ((( hugs))) to all.

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 9:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny now though not at the time and nothing to do with my WH right exH (who had no less than 10 APs within our first year of marriage)....I stayed married to him legally and kept going back trying to make it work for our son, good thing that kid is smarter than I gave him credit for (he is now 26 and a very well adjusted young man, score one for his mama!!)
Point is the exH married my twin (which he starting sleeping with while we were together), only 10 years younger (and I am 10 years younger than him)....and then he would complain to me how immature she was...ha ha ha!!! Bummer for you dude!!!
And to complete that karma, she divorced him, too.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank everyone for sharing. My self esteem took a huge hit in July when I found out the truth, how many years & many prostitutes/escorts. I KNOW this was not my fault but the emotional & irrational side keeps asking why me, what was the matter with me. Thank you for making me feel not alone.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't chose those whores... He paid for them. He went for the fantasy, and if he's saying these women are his type, than he's continuing to want the fantasy. He isn't distinguishing a difference. He paid for sex. Those women weren't women, they were purchases. Nothing more.

But for him to be in true R, he needs to understand this, and see the difference. His desires should be with you and only you. Please don't EVER compare yourself to some cheap, trashy, whore. You win every time, on ALL accounts!

No matter how much you dress up a piece of crap, it's still crap.

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 33
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