But I totally get it anyway. You can't help but compare. You just do. And you feel like the second choice no matter what. Because you were at the time. That's really the bottom line. Despite your qualities and looks and brains and whatever else you've got going on, and I have no doubt you've got your own qualities like I do, our H's chose someone else at the time. Sure, it's his poor decision. It still hurts. Even when they come out of the fog and say what was I thinking? It doesn't go away. I can't imagine that I will ever stop comparing.
I was looking at some of them on the internet the other day, the new ones I just found out about. The pictures that they post are so laughable sometimes. I saw one with her dirty laundry basket sitting in the open closet behind her. What a selling point! A lot of them take the pictures themselves in their bathroom mirrors and you can see their scuzzy soap bars and their toilet paper, etc. Guess that "staging" is not their forte. But then again, guess the men don't even notice when they're surfing T&A.
Oh I know - a hooker is a hooker, no matter what she calls herself. It's not these women I struggle with. It's the choice my WH made - he choose someone way more beautiful, younger, sexier than me. I can't compete with that (and I know, I can compete with a hooker, I can't compete with the package that he chose).
I'd imagine if you were paying for sex, you wouldn't pick the oldest, ugliest, most repugnant whore. And I'd also guess that if he were the sort to go for the "Hookers at the Point" kind, that would indicate an additional set of problems.
Like others have said, just by virtue of these women being prostitutes, there is something intrinsically wrong with them. Factor in that in the RW, these women prolly wouldn't have anything to do w/your H.
What's the old saw? Men pay for whores not for the sex, but for them to go away afterward.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
The truth as I see it is that at least for a time we certainly were number 2. And maybe the LTA ended such that we stay at number 2 or plan b. If this is true I doubt any WS would ever tell the truth of it to their BS.
All we can do is go on. For awhile at least the AP won. Our WS had the time of their life and when the real world came crashing down some of them came back to us. We will never know the truth about this because we can not see into their mind and our WS have no good reason to tell the truth (quite the opposite in fact).
For me. I just went on with my life. I do as I choose and live as I choose. If WW wants to come along fine. If not also fine.
Honestly I have frequently thought that the perfect revenge on them both would have been for them to end up together.
Funny story--because it's the only thing about this whole sordid affair that's funny. My husband was having ED problems during this "escort" stage. He was having a hard time getting it up with one of them, so the condom didn't stay on (or broke or something--we've never used them, so they're not something I'm familiar with). Anyway, she volunteered to go get one out of her car--and NEVER came back!!!!
So I don't know if she was pretty or not, but I know she couldn't turn him on and I can safely assume he did nothing for her. Her! A paid escort! She wasn't even willing to have sex with him. That's not very nice of me, but it's probably one of the few not-nice things I've ever done. And it's probably the only real consequence he'll have to pay. So it's fair--especially since he and I both know that if the situation were reversed, the male escort would be considering himself lucky!
I can't imagine thinking that it was a "trade up" in any way, shape, or form. No matter what she actually looked like, she was giving up her freedom of choice in a sex partner for a fee. What kind of woman does that?
Physical is only part of a marriage/relationship. It may be more or less important to some people, but it is only a part. I remember doing a tune up a long time ago while finishing college with no money. I put really good spark plugs in a K-car. Probably equal to the best spark plugs I ever owned. Bottom line, they were still in an old K-car, probably the worst car I ever owned.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
And like previous posters said we are SO much better than them. I've been snooping on an escort forum just to see what they're like and man do they have sad existences. They worry about being outed to their families, about being raped and robbed. They wait around for the phone to ring worried that they won't be able to pay their bills that month. They complain about all the dirty disgusting men that they have to sleep with. Can you imagine living that life? We are better then them in every way.
[This message edited by 1devastedmom at 10:12 AM, September 27th (Friday)]
The OW in my situation was a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic. She's gorgeous. And her modeling pictures are on the internet. She has a perfect body, dark skin, long brown hair. He definitely "affaired up" in the looks department.
And I recently read messages between him and his brother, where he told his brother that he slept with her and cheated on me because "she was hot." I re-read those messages several times a day, and it just hits me right in the center of my heart. I know he found her very physically attractive, and I don't feel like I can compare to that. I mean... he obviously chose to sleep with her while with me because "she was hot."
My IC told me to sit down and make a list of all of my good qualities that men would want in me. I resisted at first, because all I could see was that she was prettier than me. But I finally did it, and it helped. Sometimes just seeing your good qualities written on paper can help. Maybe try to do that.
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 9:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
But for him to be in true R, he needs to understand this, and see the difference. His desires should be with you and only you. Please don't EVER compare yourself to some cheap, trashy, whore. You win every time, on ALL accounts!
No matter how much you dress up a piece of crap, it's still crap.