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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New here and needing help.
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(New to this forum) I've been a member of SI since 2009 as a BS. My FWH had an affair that lasted 1 1/2 years with a co-worker.

I have been very good friends with someone long distance for 2.5 years. We have supported each other in our marriages,with reconciliation,with our dd's, work, and daily struggles.

We've had a platonic relationship and have never met in person. We've talked on the phone on rare occassions, when one or the other is struggling ,in order to offer advice, support and encouragement to keep going. (His wife had an affair that lasted for 7 years with his best friend). We email daily about life, our kids sports. We joke and laugh and share vacation stories.

Last Friday we were talking like we normally do, discussing what we had planned with our families for the upcoming weekend and he flirted a little bit and the next thing you know the conversation moved to the phones and we started texting-sexting. It continued Saturday, we didn't speak on Sunday and then we started up again Monday. By Tuesday morning we were both sick, him physically sick me breaking out in hives and both of us wondering what in the hell??

He called me and sobbed with regret and guilt and we decided to either take a break from the friendship and refocus or go completely NC from one another.

Even though it might be hold the record for the world's shortest non physical affair, we both realize that we crossed a line we both wish we wouldn't have.

He agree's that we need to take a break but doesn't want to go NC forever.

But this isn't about him, it's about me and I need some advice...2x4's, whatever.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even thought it was 'the shortest non PA ever', it was still crossing the line, cheating and probably an EA before the sexting even started.

I don't think you should plan on NC for 'just awhile', NC has to be permanent. This is your OM. Do you want your H to go back to contact with his OW?

Also, have you told your H about this?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37235 | Registered: Sep 2007
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Phoenix,

It sounds like you have been having an EA for 2.5 years, not just when the sexting started. I know Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" is often talked about here on SI, you should read it (if you haven't already).

Have you told your H?


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snap! AN

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 3:40 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not yet.

AN: I know what I did crossed the line. I thought I made that clear in my first post and because of that chose to come and post in the WS forum. I don't think quantifying the actions is minimization on my part.

EA? I hadn't really thought about that. My husband is aware of the friendship and over the years I've talked with him about our conversations. I haven't
shared anything with the "OM" that I haven't shared with my husband. We've not professed our love for one another or a desire to run away together. We both are interested in continuing to work on our marriages.

Of course I wouldn't want my husband to contact his AP.

I've read the book "Not Just Friends Book". I read it when
I discovered my husband's LTA.

Edited because I answered the same question twice.

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 3:46 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My husband is aware of the friendship and over the years I've talked with him about our conversations.

Gently - your husbands own boundaries aren't too solid and he would have thought it was fine because of the no physical contact.

However, you were still sharing with another man, building a connection with him for over 2 years, which is why it went from 'platonic' to sext talk in a second. You will need to be honest with yourself about what was going on for you. Because something was obviously. If you were only "just friends" then your reaction to his flirting and then sexting should have been complete horror, and then told him so. And then told him you can no longer be friends due to this breach of boundaries. That's why boundaries are so important, they protect US, and they protect those we love.

I'm learning that the hard way.




“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and the next thing you know the conversation moved to the phones and we started texting-sexting.

I haven't shared anything with the "OM" that I haven't shared with my husband.

Your sounding very casual about this. If it was as you said - you shared nothing with the OM that you haven't shared with your H - then why haven't you told your H about this?

And not professing love or having a desire to run away together makes one bit of difference.

[This message edited by SandAway at 3:52 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN: I know what I did crossed the line. I thought I made that clear in my first post and because of that chose to come and post in the WS forum. I don't think quantifying the actions is minimization on my part.
Minimizing is your word, not mine. I never said that, but often the things we get defensive about deserve some introspection.

We've talked on the phone on rare occassions, when one or the other is struggling ,in order to offer advice, support and encouragement to keep going. (His wife had an affair that lasted for 7 years with his best friend). We email daily about life, our kids sports. We joke and laugh and share vacation stories.
To me, this screams EA, but that isn't my call to make.

How did you meet him?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37235 | Registered: Sep 2007
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EA? I hadn't really thought about that.

How could you not? You emmailed each other daily for 2.5 years. I don't even communicate with my bff that much and I've known him for 30 years.

My husband is aware of the friendship

Was he aware of the extent of the friendship? The daily emails? The phone calls? Etc.....?

Who's going to contact your OM's BS to tell her what he's done?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13719 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sandaway: I don't think the physical reaction I've had implys that I'm taking this casually although my wording might make it seem that way. I'm trying to sort this out for myself at the moment and trying to decide what to do next. I want to understand this.

AN: Please elaborate on why that screams EA? I'm not disputing it, just need to understand all of this better. In my mind, I think that if the sexting hadn't come to an abrupt stop, it would have led to an emotional affair and then possibly to a physical one.

My husband described to me that he and his AP were friends, like a friendship with anyone else male or female. Then the flirting began, then the sexting and along with that came the emotional affair for several months and then about 7 months later the all out physcial in love till we die affair started up.

I have absolutely no romatic feelings for this person and haven't had in the time I've known him and don't now.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have absolutely no romatic feelings for this person and haven't had in the time I've known him and don't now.

Then how did you come to be flirting and sexting? What was going on for YOU.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lieshurt: Yes, believe it or not he is aware of the daily communication. In fact, he suggested I find someone that I could talk to and get support for the fallout of his affair. And Yes, the OM's wife is also aware that we are friends and communicate often.

I guess I likened it to having family because I have none, zero, nada. Nothing. My parents are dead and siblings might as well be. We send each other birthday cards and homecoming pictures and share sports scores. I vent about work, he vents about work. We talk about our spouses and what's worked in each other's relationships or in the healing process and what's not.

Mabye that's why I can't see past this being an EA. I thought there had to be some type of romantic attachment or involvement or it had to interfere with our primary relationships, which it hasn't. Up until Friday and here I am less than a week later knowing I've done wrong and seeking help.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 4:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Yes, the OM's wife is also aware that we are friends and communicate often.

Is she aware that you are now the OW in her marriage?

In fact, he suggested I find someone that I could talk to and get support for the fallout of his affair.

Why didn't you find a woman? There are plenty of women on this site who would have helped you. Given this is an infidelity site and we post so often about the "slippery slope", why would you have ever considered turning to a man for support?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 4:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13719 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering where you met him since you've never met in person.

I think sharing all that with a member of the opposite sex constitutes an EA. And the frequency of the contact, like Lieshurt said. Who has time for all that?

And I completely agree with Ophelia that if it were just a friendship you would have reacted in horror to the sexting idea. This is what makes it evident that boundaries were weak on both ends.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37235 | Registered: Sep 2007
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then how did you come to be flirting and sexting? What was going on for YOU

^^ Great question. That's what I'm trying to figure out.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talk about our spouses and what's worked in each other's relationships or in the healing process and what's not.

Did you talk to him about your husbands A? You posted this week about FB and the OW - did you discuss this stuff with him? Does his W know that he talks about his M?


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or it had to interfere with our primary relationships

It has.

EA stands for Emotional Affair. You have been sharing intimate details about your lives and relationships with each other. This builds intimacy, which then makes it very easy to slip into exactly what happened, flirting and sexting.

As I asked before, what was going on for you when it turned to flirting and then YOU participated in sexting with him. It was a conscious choice you made. Because there was another one to be made. And you didn't. Why?


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I abosolutely agree that boundaries were weak on both ends. They weren't always and for the majority of our friendship. I'm not sure when I began to let my guard down really.

And yeah, I talked to my mom every day just the exact way I talked to my OM when she was alive and my sister as well before she passed away. Her birthday was September 18 and my anniversary is September 30 and those two things always send me to triggerville. Sounds like a cop out but it's what I can think of off the top of my head.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As with every WS situation, you wouldn't have crossed the line if you didn't want to. Responding with anything less than rejection or horror to his advance is proof positive of this.

He is not a friend of your marriage, as regret laden as his words may be now. You both were getting more out of the attention you gave each other than the supposed marital support you were offering.

You are asking for advice. We are all saying the same thing. Come clean to your BH and OM's newly minted BW. Go NC. Anything less implies that you want special rules or allowances. Right and wrong doesn't work like that.

It's your friend or your marriage. Your choice.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16963 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
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