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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New here and needing help.
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you meet him?

Please answer AN's question.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13726 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you talk to him about your husbands A? You posted this week about FB and the OW - did you discuss this stuff with him? Does his W know that he talks about his M?

Yes and I don't understand the rest. You're mistaken. I haven't posted anything on SI in a while.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking to your mum and sister about your relationship is totally appropriate. Talking to another man, who also is dealing with infidelity and the vulnerability this creates, is playing with fire.

He just lit the match first. And instead of throwing cold water on it, you threw petrol. Up it goes.

Sounds like you want to figure this out. Which is great.

Did you keep the texts?


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As with every WS situation, you wouldn't have crossed the line if you didn't want to. Responding with anything less than rejection or horror to his advance is proof positive of this.
He is not a friend of your marriage, as regret laden as his words may be now. You both were getting more out of the attention you gave each other than the supposed marital support you were offering.

You are asking for advice. We are all saying the same thing. Come clean to your BH and OM's newly minted BW. Go NC. Anything less implies that you want special rules or allowances. Right and wrong doesn't work like that.

It's your friend or your marriage. Your choice.


^^^^^^THIS

And yes, how did you meet him?


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lieshurt: I can't see where you're helping me right now. I feel like you're trying to "catch" me in something and I have no idea what that something would be.

I havne't asked anyone to prove that I wanted to sext him or that I made the choice to do so. I did it, I'm here for help, it's pretty obvious that I chose and wanted to do it or I would have reacted the way WE ALL know I should have. The point is I didn't. And I would like some help in figuring out why as opposed to a lot of suggestions telling me what I should have done.

I want to fix myself. I'm going to do it whether I'm attacked or helped along.

ETA: Met him online.

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 4:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your A sounds kinda like my 2nd affair.

Met a fella when I was 16. Was friends with him before I even remotely had romantic feelings for my husband. After marriage, I kept up this "friendship". This guy knew everything about me. And my marriage.

I had no business telling him anything about my relationship with QS.

Over time, things got inappropriate and the sexual innuendo flew. Sure we didn''t "technically" PA. But the intent was there. That was enough.

Crap the daily texts and emails were enough. It was an A.

How did you meet this BH?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:32 PM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here and a BS.

It sounds like a LTEA as far as my definition of such goes.

If my husband were having regular communication with another woman, divulging intimate details of our life, marriage, family...regardles of what the intentions were when the interactions started...I'd feel very betrayed :(

My husband's EA involved less communication for a shorter period of time than what you're describing here...and it's the primary reason I found SI.

It sounds like it's time to prepare for another DD -- and, if you want your marriage to survive, permanent NC is the only way to go.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JRAZZ:
You both were getting more out of the attention you gave each other than the supposed marital support you were offering.

Please elaborate on this. My husband and his AP stroked one another's ego's and sided with one another against me. She caused havoc in my life. He was a complete asshole and came home mad and angry every single night. He was checked out of our marriage, etc. With the help and encouragement I found in this friendship I have been able to overcome some obstacles with my husband because he's given me a male's point of view. No, I didn't only speak with the OM about these things, something would come up and I would talk to my husband and it wouldn't go well. I'd ask the OM and he's say, actually ...and give me another perspective and then I would tell my husband what had transpired.

I wasn't seeking attention from the OM, nor did I need my ego stroked. Still don't.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EA isn't always about spouting I love you, its about getting something from that person emotionally that you should be getting from your husband or from yourself. This was building up long before the couple days of sexting, you don't just randomly start flirting or sexting with a platonic friend if something wasn't already there or being built.

Also no minimizing which you already did by calling it the shortest non PA ever. Even if you don't like the term EA call it what it is: cheating. Once you fully acknowledge that your have made a huge step in the right direction. Why haven't you told your husband yet? Being a BS you know how this feels, why would you keep it from him?

NC should not be for a little while to cool off. You cheated with this man, NC is permanent, there is no undoing what the two of you have done.

Time to do some digging, why was this okay for you to do, why did you allow this to become a viable option, what changes do you have to make, why is it okay to not immediately tell your husband? You need to answer these and more.

ETA: started this post when only had 2 responses but kept stopping for work so I apologize if there are any repeating pieces of advice in there.

[This message edited by Unagie at 4:53 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2705 | Registered: Oct 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my book, if you have been getting emotional support from a person who is not your husband, it is an emotional affair. Particularly if this person "helped" you with any marital issues, whatsoever.

The fact that the sexting appears to have just "happened", unless you were under mind control by aliens, is evidence of the fact that this has been brewing/building for a while. I gently suggest you have not been, and are still not, honest with yourself.

Kudos to you for nipping it in the bud somewhat quickly though, so the damage will be minimized.

You can't put the genie back in the bottle. If you want a healthy marriage you need to NC and tell your husband, pronto. And for extra security, tell his wife.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 5:22 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. The only person I email daily is my husband -- not my dad, my sister or my best friend. Big, red flag.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My head is a jumbled mess so things that would normally make sense to me and be obvious right now. I'm trying though. I'm here and I'm trying.

Unagie: Thank you.

EA isn't always about spouting I love you, its about getting something from that person emotionally that you should be getting from your husband or from yourself.

^^ This helps. This I get. Looking back I can see how I got and gave emotional support, not based upon love or ego, but because I wanted to help someone and have help in return. And yes, this has gone on for a long time. If I understand correctly, it doesn't matter if it's condoned or known by my husband though.

Also no minimizing which you already did by calling it the shortest non PA ever.
I didn't lie about the sexting. It literally lasted three days. I stated it that way not to minimize the effect. I am well aware of the effect it has had on me, the OM and everyone else involved. That's why it went no further. It was wrong, wrong wrong.

Time to do some digging, why was this okay for you to do, why did you allow this to become a viable option, what changes do you have to make, why is it okay to not immediately tell your husband? You need to answer these and more.

I've been on the roller coaster like every other BS here on SI. My FWH and I haven't totally regained our sex life even though we have been in R for four years or more. I've never been unfaithful in any relationship and stupidly thought I could handle a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

ETA: Aubrie, thank you for your example. That also helps me to see similarity in our situation.

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 5:27 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Gently) Phoenix, I think if you take a second look at Not Just Friends, you are going to have some "ah ha" moments. Please have courage, and you have support here.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that the sexting appears to have just "happened", unless you were under mind control by aliens, is evidence of the fact that this has been brewing/building for a while. I gently suggest you have not been, and are still not, honest with yourself.

@bionicgal: To clarify what I meant by "just happened". I meant it wasn't' planned or even a thought even five minutes before. I completely understand that "something" was brewing and likely thta was me feeling neglected in my marriage. But as I've learned here on SI, that's just an excuse. I mean, I've been neglected in my marriage for six solid years so...why now? If I was looking for an EA or sexting partner, why wouldn't I have done this after D-day?

Why now?


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understand correctly, it doesn't matter if it's condoned or known by my husband though.
My husband knew about AP2. I told him every time we talked/emailed. Didn't change the fact I was leaping over my marital boundaries by telling AP all the crap that went on in my life. And he turned a listening ear "as a friend". Right.

I agree with the others to read the Not Just Friends book again.

Good luck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and will dig out my copy of the book and start there.

Since my last post, I've spent my time making the decision to go NC with the OM. The steps I've taken so far is to un-friend on Facebook and to delete his contact info and email from my phone, etc.

I haven't told my husband because I guess I've been in shock about all this. I had to make the decision today to put down my BFF of 13 years, my dog and best bud and that coupled with the aftermath of this epic assholish decision has left me in slow motion. My husband hasn't been home in the evenings to sit him down and have a discussion and he isn't home tonight.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to go about this? He TT me for a year and a half and I only got info/confirmation via discovery that I could shove in his face so he couldn't deny. During that time he told me that if it were him in my shoes he wouldn't want to know. Maybe that's another reason why I've hesitated.

Just rambling at this point..

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 6:24 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lieshurt: I can't see where you're helping me right now. I feel like you're trying to "catch" me in something and I have no idea what that something would be.

I asked pertinent questions which get to the heart of what you were and are thinking. Nobody can help you if you aren't willing to provide information and details. For example, we already knew you met your OM online. We were wanting specifics. Chat room, facebook, on this site perhaps? You glossed over that instead of being honest when asked.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to go about this?

Be honest, don't delete anything, give him total transparency and don't blameshift to start with.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13726 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, we are missing the forest for the trees here. I'm not telling you what you could have done differently. I'm telling you what you did with eyes and a heart other than yours. Do you want advice or do we really need to drown in semantics until someone accidentally misinterprets what is happening here and validates you hanging onto OM.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As lieshurt said total transparency from day one. Write it down if you have to, make sure you have everything you can remember in front of you. Make a preemptive timeline so he has all the dates. NC needs to be complete with a letter, email, text to OM stating to never contact you again. Change your number if necessary and block him on FB. I would also like to know where you met him, not for curiosity but to enable us to help you explore that area of it better. Good that you're rereading "Not Just Friends" I hope you gain some more insight from it. I understand your confused and that your actions made you feel horrible but we throw a lot of 2x4's on the wayward side and pull no punches because we need to work so hard to fix the brokenness. Giving someone a pass isn't going to help them. If something makes you angry, explore it, dig into that, it effects you for a reason. Please keep posting and also join us down in madhatter's thread, this is going to get rough.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2705 | Registered: Oct 2012
ak23123
♂ New Member
Member # 40692
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a definition my BS gave me last night of an EA:

Emotional cheating is about forming meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you.

Which made me realize that what I thought was a friendship really was an EA.


WS (me) - 32
BS - 37
18 month old baby

Posts: 13 | Registered: Sep 2013
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