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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New here and needing help.
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - Pheonix - we joined the same month and I remember you posting your 3.5 year update on here. I even responded to you because what you wrote resonated with me so much.

You even, later on in that same post, mention the man (two actually) that you now are discussing in this very topic. I'm not sure if you remember that -

One last thing..I have two of the most amazing friends who I love with all of my heart that I met here on SI. Both were betrayed. One's marriage didn't work out and he remarried two weekends ago and is very happy and is thriving. The other chose to stay and is doing much better also. I talk to them every single day and they've been my lifeline many times. We will be lifelong friends. Having someone like that when you go through this will help and make you realize you're not alone

Sometimes when we are living our lives , especially after dealing with the aftermath of such a traumatizing event such as infidelity, we do whatever it takes to make ourselves feel better despite the fact we know subconsciously it may be wrong. I think deep deep down, you did enjoy the attention and validation that these friendships brought - and who knows how far along in your healing you may be at now if these friendships never occured. I have gained two amazing female friendships on here - they are truly my sista-friends and I don't think I would have made it with my FWH without them - in fact, I know I wouldn't have!! Unfortunatley for you, befriending a male confidant, wasn't the smartest move you have made in your healing....look where you are today??

Personally, I find you very brave for stepping up as a FBS and owning your own WS shit on SI - a place where you have helped others based on your positive 3.5 year update. Being a member as long as I have, you know deep down what you have to do - disclose, remorse, transparency etc. And you know, this won't be easy - but you have all the tools from your own BS experience and "SI enlightened wisdom" to do the right thing.

Lastly, as a member who is facing her own 4 year anti-versary next week, my heart as been hurting lately too. I am one that says I will "never say never" about anything in my life. I could have easily been you given the same circumstances - so please know I don't judge you. I am proud of you for posting here in wayward, and for getting some sound advice and 2X4's through others that have been there already.

On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. -CS Lewis

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2009
♀ Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, NC has to be permanent. There is no "for a while". It just gives you license to do it again later on.

Try to focus on what led you here with this guy and how you can fix yourself, rather than how long the friendship went on and how beneficial it was.

And you MUST tell your spouse.

{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10627 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a lot of danger when BS's of the opposite sex connect over infidelity. I think emotional connections can be very strong under those circumstances.

I agree with the others, you need to tell your H and you need to go NC with the OM (both of them). It will be difficult if they are both members here, but you can *forget* them so they're posts are blocked out of your viewing. Seeing those blocked out posts will remind you of the slippery slope and the reason you need to stay away.

Kudos to you for realizing your actions are wrong on so many levels. Now use the wisdom you have gleaned from these forums for the last few years and take an authentic path through your life.

Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6170 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
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