I am one of those who has few specific, sexual details. I know how many times, where, and have a general sense of when. I am probably going to go for the particulars of when, but leave it there. It wasn't a long A, so it isn't too many.
But, do I want a seat on the nightstand? No thanks. There is enough crap in my head the way it is. Our MC said ask for 25% of what you think you want to know, and then see how you feel after. That seemed like good advice to me early on. It is actually good for the WS to talk about it, because it helps burst the bubble and them seeing your hurt helps them realize what they have done.
I don't know about all the APs on here who have the disappointing sex, though! I do wonder if they aren't minimizing - or if it just couldn't live up to the fantasy? I don't know.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
We have had HB and it has been great, a real positive, and I am afraid to ruin it over details I won't be able to get out of my head. I mean, I know they had sex- why do I need to know how many o's she had, or if her breasts were symmetrical, kwim? Maybe some day, but for sure not now.
I feel like I know the things that are vital already, and he is walking the walk everyday, so I am ok with it right now.
If I were wondering about it all the time, I might have to ask, though.
[This message edited by iwillNOT at 5:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
Thank you again- being able to share and read your responses is helping so much more than I realized.
I wish only strength and blessings to each of you as you fight for the love you believe in.
And, like you, we've had tons of sex in the last month...like we are rekindling things but sometimes I can't because I picture them together and wonder what they did and how he held her and kissed her. and I wonder why the affair continued for seven months aftre that as an emotional affair (from what he says anyhow.)
I have a WS who has always been secretive so being secretive about his 36 affairs over a one year period has been par for the course. I asked and asked and then the info came trickling in over three weeks. The numbers went up from 8 to 12 then 18 then oh...I am sure not more then 20 and on it went. Until he listed 36 and only stopped because I could not hear anymore of it. Be careful what you ask to know. Once you hear it theming movies replay over and over.
If you were blind and somebody told you the world was full of filth, hate,cruelty and sadness....would you still want to see it? If it meant seeing it for the rest of your life.....would you want to? It is a pandora's box. If you want to stay in the marriage it is best to accept.....not necessarily forgive right away but at least accept that it is dark and dirty in detail. Be careful!
I asked for more, got only where....ie. their homes, hotels....even one across the street from my work while I was at work making less money for twelve hour shift than he paid her for the hour. Go figure?
All I know now....10 mths later is .....the number 36, ages from a few likely underage up to 38. All whor*s, all $200.-$300. Per episode, all in the town I live and work in, every night I worked he played outside our home. Thankfully he did not bring them here.
He found them on backpage and escort sites. Yeah, like most WS he said," it wasn't even that good" what an idiot...lol.....kept going back for more despite saying that. Oh...I would say.....that was a lie on my WS behalf. He was trying to spare my feelings.......imagine that.
He would still be doing it had I not caught him. Likely could be doing it. I don't sleep in the same room. When we speak we fight.....well I yell....he ignores me.....and says.....that is what the books say to do....listen and not fight back.
When I ask for details he wants me to ask specific questions. OMFG! He actually told me ....well he said," well one of the hookers had a little dog with herr and I seen it in the bathroom". Cannyou imagine giving that bullshit for details.
Why am I still here in this house with him? Who the hell knows? Thousands spent on councellors and intensive couples weekend. He does not open up....ever. Total lost in past year....approaching $30,000.
It is only on here....SI that I get any venting done. In real life I suffer. All I have read says be careful who you tell. I get that because the two I told have betrayed me. They quizzed me from day to day til I cut them off. Be careful of the other scorned women. An ex friend who was a BS herself a few years back has been riding the divorce wagon right up to my front door. I tell nobody now. I read books, research, wait for WS to see his Psychologist every two weeks, wait for her to coach him, wait, wait.....and wait some more. I had deadlines for this suffering and all have come and gone. Why? Wo knows? I guess I have nothing better to do. It can't be said that he didn't have a chance to reconcile and repair this mess.
Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent. Good luck to all of you!
[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 8:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]