Long story short: When I found out about A, I went into his email and found innapropriate emails between xh and one of his employees "Mary"(he was an assistant principal at a middle school). Then I called the phone number that appeared a million times on our phone bill and it said, "Hi you just reached "Jane Smith" who was a teacher at my sons' school.) Then when I confided in a mutual friend that worked at his school, she said he was seen locking himself in his office with "Sally" and taping paper on the window so no one could see in. So I was completely confused. I brushed off "Jane Smith" because I thought, they would both have to be crazy to do that where our kids go to school. I didn't know what to think about "Sally" "Mary" was the only one I had physical proof of so I was certain it was her. So I was still snooping in his emails at the time and it seemed that he ended things with "Mary" but yet he still would not return home. I did not understand. Everyone was telling me, "Ruinedandbroken, there is no way he is not with someone" But I was in denial. So anyway, fast foward 6 months, my kids come home telling me that they spend a lot of time with "Jane Smith", a teacher down the hall from my DS1! I found out shortly after that she left her ex and they were planning on marriage. (She ended up breaking up with him 3 months later...Aaaawh, poor baby!)
So anyway, it appears that he was having 2 flings with employees at his school with one full blown sexual affair with teacher at my DS's school.
Is this unusual? Has anyone else's OP had more than one at a time? Is this sexual addiction? He later got fired from his job because he was sleeping with a parent who was married. Her H called the school board and they found all kinds of evidence on his work laptop. (Pictures, emails, lord knows what else.)
Anyway, I'm just curious really. When people ask who the OW is I never really know who to say. I know he left me for "Jane Smith" but there was definitely something going on with the other two as well.
Effed up, huh?
Yay for me! .....NOT!
Sexual addiction is like any addiction, the drive to have sex overwhelms all caution to the point that an SA wIll seek out strangers, have sex in inappropriate places, in places that increase the risk that they''ll get caught. They may have A relationships too, but the focus is on having to get sex at all costs.
Philanderers otoh just always need a primary woman as a foil (to hate, to hide behind, to justify why they deserve the OW) ie the wife, and then they always either have an OW and / or are always making sure the pipeline stays primed with OW options. Philanderers are usually charming, and their charm & focus on you is what got you hooked in the first place. They are also liars, so they lie about everything, shading the truth, saying what needs to be said so they they look good. They also are generally manipulative and are skilled at pulling weak women who are more likely to buy the lies. They''re preternaturally good at gaslighting & blame shifting & making you think you''re crazy & it''s your fault.
SAs can be treated like addicts, ie there is hope for them. A slim hope, but it''s there. I personally think philanderers are lost causes. A few SI-ers are giving R a go with SAs with varying degrees of success, but idk any member who has a remorseful philanderer on their hands. I suppose it''s possible, but probable? Not a bet I would ever take.
[This message edited by cayc at 8:22 PM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]
Nature Girl...I'm mostly just curious if anyone else has a similar story, that's all.
[This message edited by trebleclef at 1:05 AM, September 27th (Friday)]
The final nail was admitted PA with OW he recycled from 2007. At that time he also had COW EA (at a minimum but strong indications PA at my house) in same state, COW EA (probably also PA) in other state he was working in, inappropriate flirtations with neighbour and goodness knows who else.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
That is what is underneath all SA's.
Yes, My stbx had and still has multiple women on the line constantly and is still trying to get to me and everything he does is someone elses fault. I am sorry that you are going through this. IC is very important.
My ex is a philanderer and fits the description above to a "T". And yes, he's just a shitty person all around. But he's not a sex addict.
My X is a garden variety arsehole, no addiction label required.
He requires constant validation for everything he does and this can be received from man, woman or child. Wipe a benchtop = standing ovation needed.
My X would also love a label, it would mean never having to accept responsibility for deliberate choices.
sorry to t/j ruinedandbroken
When people ask
I just say I didn't like his girlfriends
It was a lot simpler than explaining the whole sordid story, but is close enough to the truth that I wasn't lying. I have nothing to hide, but not everyone needs the full details.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
We owned a house together. He had a good job. He saw his kids every day. Now he's a one day a week, EOW dad. He rents an apt. He lost his job so he works as a bartender. He moved to the beach where a lot of college kids live, bars, etc. W.T.F?????? He's 41 yrs. old!