SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
Madhatters Only Thread
Silver, ma'am, hows the sitooashun?
Sorry, half crazed irishman trying to navigate an android phone.
Double post anyone?
The situation is… I think it's what he needs. He's been opening up about some horrible things he went through, and I really think that the weed was preventing him from doing it before. The weed was numbing everything, and now he's processing it finally (and seeing his family has brought up a lot of memories of the things that happened during his alone years). He apologized to me out of nowhere today for all the things he had said about our relationship and other women and for all the ways he made me feel insecure.* We talked for a long time. It was amazing. I hope it helped him. He asked me to bring up my insecurities from now on so he could apologize for each thing specifically. I don't think we need to do that, we need to focus on him right now and all the things he's trying to heal from, especially the sexual and all other kinds of abuse he suffered. It's his first time really dealing with some of this stuff. He threatened me a few nights ago because he thought I had done something, but it was one of his abusers. There is a lot of stuff he has buried. I hope that as he detoxes from the THC, he also starts to detox from all the awful things that have happened to him. This is his healing journey now.
*I asked him one question about a particular time in our relationship and got somewhat of a confirmation… I will deal with that pain in time, but right now the focus is on making it safe for him to talk about - right now, I get the feeling he needs to talk about everything and let everything in his life out.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:49 PM, February 17th (Monday)]
He's been opening up every night now. 19 days clean. He misses pot sometimes. Just learned yesterday that his mother died of an overdose. He found out in September that both his parents (who he's been wanting to find for several years now) both passed away - his mother in 2002 and his father in 2012. But he didn't know his mom's cause of death until yesterday. It hit him hard. He spent the evening mourning and also talking about more of the abuse he dealt with and expressing a strong desire to go back and get revenge on all the people who hurt him. He also started talking about some of his exes, about this one encounter in particular. That one was hard to listen to for me, but I listened. He's also started several stories about other girls (at one point, it was going to be something about some girls in his class, at another point something about a different ex) and abruptly stopped talking the moment he said "she"… I want to know what he's not telling me about other women, but now isn't the time to pry about them. He's processing a lot of painful stuff. I told myself I'd be a good friend to him. I'll deal with my own feelings and insecurities separately from him. Wondering how tonight will go, his memories and painful feelings are always worse at night. He has school tomorrow and therapy on Friday, and he's supposed to get more meds on Friday. I hope his therapist can help him.
One of the things he said at some point in the last few days was that he saw me as "a cute girl" to him at this particular point of our relationship. I had thought we were already in a relationship at the time, and he was beginning his EA. We had had the exclusivity talk. But now he's telling me that on one of the nights when he called, one of the nights when he was having an episode, that he had said "maybe we should see other people". I didn't ever remember hearing him say that. And if he did, he was mumbling. I asked him if that was what he said to give himself permission to get involved with one of the OW. He still maintains that he didn't have sex with her and therefore was never "with" her. H does not seem to believe in EAs or at least he doesn't believe they are the same as cheating. When I said - "you saw me as a cute girl…but not as your girl?" he backtracked. But I think I have my answer.
To him, nothing he did will ever be cheating. Either because it was an EA and not "real" cheating, or because in his mind (even for a moment) we weren't "together". So in his mind, he gets a pass.
I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to move on from this. And that worries me. I think there's something wrong with me. I must be petty to hold onto this. But I don't feel special to him. I don't think I ever was. And now, I'm just someone who gives him stability. He's in love with the stability he has. If another girl came along and offered him even greater stability (in addition to attention and sensual appeal), he'd take it.
I don't even know what to say. I just want to shut down. But he needs support right now, since he's still detoxing from the weed and he's finally processing all his painful memories. So…what to do? Maybe promote friendship instead of romance.
Just had a thought. I was asking the wrong question. The one I should have asked was: "At that point in time, did you see yourself as my boyfriend?" And for later incidents: "Did you see yourself as my fiancé? As the father of our unborn child? As my husband?" for each incident with an OW. If I asked that question… I wonder what kind of answer I would get. It ties right into his little admission two summer ago, when he admitted that at times with other women, he'd "still felt single" (which he later backtracked, but that was the realest thing he had told me at that point, aside from what his actions were telling me). Sorry for the long aside.
Silver - just checking in with you. It sounds like things have changed quite a bit recently with Mr. Silver. I am very proud of him for his decision to end his use of pot. It seems like he was using that as a coping mechanism/escape from a lot of horribly painful things that he has gone through in his life, yeah?
On the same token, it sounds like he is revealing some painful truths to you. You seem to be taking them fairly well in light of wanting to help him, but I can see and feel the pain in your words. I am so sorry. You may not feel comfortable addressing those feelings with him just yet as he goes through what he is going through, but just know that we are here for you if you need to vent or let any of those feelings out. We're here for you.
I haven't been posting a whole lot these last few weeks, but whether I am posting or not, I am still avidly reading, and sending good mental vibes to all.
EH - How is the new Volvo working out for you? And how are things going for you this week?
Thank you Losfer. I might be venting more here as some of this stuff ruminates. I'm not angry at him. I'm just more…sad. Really sad. I am realizing how little of a relationship we've actually had this whole time, even when I thought we did. He would just say a little word, half to me and more to himself, and excuse himself for us not "having a connection" - or a connection he was choosing to invalidate. And then go act single for a few days or off and on, whenever he felt the slightest like he didn't want to be pinned down, without making a clear choice one way or another with me - and as a result, I always thought we were more committed than we really were. I feel played. But I can't regret it, because I am so deeply thankful for my son. It was all worth it to have him. So… I can be a good listener to my husband, and I think that's the best way I'm going to be able to help him now. That and making sure he eats enough. 21 days today, 3 weeks, he should feel proud!
Sorry, what do you do when that really sinks in? All this time, none of what he did was cheating because we weren't really "committed". I thought we were, but in his mind we weren't. So this whole time, everything I've thought we had… Was all in my own head. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this. I gave him everything for nothing. No wonder he doesn't think either of us cheated. I feel like I gave myself away to someone who didn't deserve me (or value me), and I feel… so disgusted with myself.
I don't know what to do. I want to isolate right now, sleep until there's some distance between these feelings and reality. And I feel extremely conflicted when he wants to kiss me or when he says he loves me. It feels like there's something wrong. Out of place.
He has fallen off the wagon. He left just now to go buy some pot. 25 days… I couldn't talk him out of it or distract him for long enough. It looks like I might have to reconsider my plans of moving out and reestablish this as a possibility for my son and I. This is so sad.
Ah, man... I'm so sorry to hear that, Silver.
Is there anything in particular that triggered him to fall off of the wagon, or do you think it was the draw of his addiction pulling him back in? How is he feeling about himself today, after breaking his 25 day streak?
How are you holding up?
Sending mojo and strength...
Left fora bit. Had to go to NM.
Silver, im catching up.
Los, good to see you..
Warning,,,excessive use of barfing yellow circle ahead.
Silver, umm,, would u allow a pm?
Respecting your boundaries,,
Los,,,haha,,,the volvo works like any other car ive ever owned.
It has four wheels, and moves under its own power when asked. My friends laugh at me though, they tell me ive gone to the dark side inthat i always said id never buy a four door sedan.
My last car?
EH - I'm glad the Volvo is working out for you. From what I understand, those are some pretty solid cars! I hear you, though. I would probably catch flak from some of my friends if I were to ever get a vehicle with an automatic transmission. I'm sure that might happen at some point!
Nissans are good cars. I've been a Nissan driver since around '97. Been driving an XTerra for the past 10+ years.
But anyway, good to see you, too, EH. How have you been doing? I always enjoy seeing you check in, and I hope things are treating you well for you and your kiddos.
Thinking of you, Silver. Sending you continued strength.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Hi Losfer and EH,
EH, PM is fine.
I am not in such a good place right now.
By sheer luck, he didn't manage to get pot the night he went out. But he came back and verbally took it out on me. Tonight we had a horrible fight. I'm afraid of him. He keeps talking about how he would love to put a bullet in the heads of all the people in the foster care system who hurt him. While it could just be the anger talking, late at night he'll come to bed saying cryptic things and picking fights. Hostile. I hate to even say this, because it's beyond wrong, but maybe he was right on our wedding night. He told me that he wouldn't be such a jerk if he was always on weed. But that can't be true, because he hurt me plenty when he was on it as well. But this, what we've been through for the past month, after every one of his outbursts or slow methodical comments I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I told him that. He left the room, locked the door behind him, and I'm scared to open the door to see where he is. It's just like at the beginning when we were dating. I thought I deserved abuse back then. When I began to get stronger, I thought he was changing, but I was wrong. I'm in a lot worse position than I previously thought.
He's 28 days clean, and I know this is hard for him. He's also terrifying me with his anger. I might not be on here for a while. I need to keep my son and I safe.
I'm sorry, and good luck.
I'm not quite sure how to respond. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely keep you and your child's safety as a #1 priority. Keep these outbursts documented, and perhaps carry a VAR if necessary. Don't hesitate to contact authorities or seek out help from a women's shelter if things escalate and get out of control.
Keeping you and your son in my thoughts.
Los, good to hear frumya.
El kiddos are finally coming to terms, as much as can be expected. Lots of crying for mommy at first, its ok, i did too.
Oldest has begun to catch on as to wat happened. Ive beenss honest as possible with respect to her age.
Btw, been a nissan fan a long time.
High school had a 71-240, and a 76-260.
Sold those, bought a 96-300turbo, sold that, bought a 350.
Tried to sit in a 370, and realized,,,it aint happenen...
Volvo here i come.
Actually sitten in it was no problem.
Umm, getting out??
Stbx has our altima...somewhere.
[This message edited by exhaustedheader at 12:25 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]
EH - I'd imagine that is rough, with the kids being caught up in the middle of things. Sounds like you are handling things graciously, and to the best of your ability. Kudos to you.
Prior to my current Nissan, I had a 2WD Nissan pickup. It was a great truck, but did horribly in the Colorado snow with the rear wheel drive, even with the 400 lbs of sand that I put in the back. I had a couple of Subarus before that. My first love, though, prior to my 4wd Subarus, was my '76 Toyota Landcruiser FJ40. Man, I miss that car... down to the manual locking Warn hubs. It had a 4l straight 6 engine that was easy for me to understand and work on. I'm not a very mechanical guy, so that was a blessing to me.
Anyway... sorry... had to shake my head to get out of daydreaming about my first car.
That sucks about your Altima.
Los, i didnt know you are here in co...
Hear bout the pile up here in denver?
I got five cars, and a tractor/trailer out of that mess.
I can now retire.
Yep, i had to grab the tractor that had the red car under it.
Only fatality ....if u see the red flatbed tow truck with two cars jammed up under it, thats my friends tow truck. He broke his lower back...first car hit full force, followed by the second at bout 40mph.
I live for that.
I hope silver and her man r ok...
No answer to pm yet...