*I asked him one question about a particular time in our relationship and got somewhat of a confirmation… I will deal with that pain in time, but right now the focus is on making it safe for him to talk about - right now, I get the feeling he needs to talk about everything and let everything in his life out.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:49 PM, February 17th (Monday)]
To him, nothing he did will ever be cheating. Either because it was an EA and not "real" cheating, or because in his mind (even for a moment) we weren't "together". So in his mind, he gets a pass.
I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to move on from this. And that worries me. I think there's something wrong with me. I must be petty to hold onto this. But I don't feel special to him. I don't think I ever was. And now, I'm just someone who gives him stability. He's in love with the stability he has. If another girl came along and offered him even greater stability (in addition to attention and sensual appeal), he'd take it.
I don't even know what to say. I just want to shut down. But he needs support right now, since he's still detoxing from the weed and he's finally processing all his painful memories. So…what to do? Maybe promote friendship instead of romance.
On the same token, it sounds like he is revealing some painful truths to you. You seem to be taking them fairly well in light of wanting to help him, but I can see and feel the pain in your words. I am so sorry. You may not feel comfortable addressing those feelings with him just yet as he goes through what he is going through, but just know that we are here for you if you need to vent or let any of those feelings out. We're here for you.
I haven't been posting a whole lot these last few weeks, but whether I am posting or not, I am still avidly reading, and sending good mental vibes to all.
EH - How is the new Volvo working out for you? And how are things going for you this week?
I don't know what to do. I want to isolate right now, sleep until there's some distance between these feelings and reality. And I feel extremely conflicted when he wants to kiss me or when he says he loves me. It feels like there's something wrong. Out of place.
Is there anything in particular that triggered him to fall off of the wagon, or do you think it was the draw of his addiction pulling him back in? How is he feeling about himself today, after breaking his 25 day streak?
How are you holding up?
Sending mojo and strength...
Warning,,,excessive use of barfing yellow circle ahead.
Respecting your boundaries,,
My last car?
Nissans are good cars. I've been a Nissan driver since around '97. Been driving an XTerra for the past 10+ years.
But anyway, good to see you, too, EH. How have you been doing? I always enjoy seeing you check in, and I hope things are treating you well for you and your kiddos.
Thinking of you, Silver. Sending you continued strength.
Hope everyone is doing well.
EH, PM is fine.
I am not in such a good place right now.
By sheer luck, he didn't manage to get pot the night he went out. But he came back and verbally took it out on me. Tonight we had a horrible fight. I'm afraid of him. He keeps talking about how he would love to put a bullet in the heads of all the people in the foster care system who hurt him. While it could just be the anger talking, late at night he'll come to bed saying cryptic things and picking fights. Hostile. I hate to even say this, because it's beyond wrong, but maybe he was right on our wedding night. He told me that he wouldn't be such a jerk if he was always on weed. But that can't be true, because he hurt me plenty when he was on it as well. But this, what we've been through for the past month, after every one of his outbursts or slow methodical comments I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I told him that. He left the room, locked the door behind him, and I'm scared to open the door to see where he is. It's just like at the beginning when we were dating. I thought I deserved abuse back then. When I began to get stronger, I thought he was changing, but I was wrong. I'm in a lot worse position than I previously thought.
He's 28 days clean, and I know this is hard for him. He's also terrifying me with his anger. I might not be on here for a while. I need to keep my son and I safe.
I'm sorry, and good luck.
I'm not quite sure how to respond. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely keep you and your child's safety as a #1 priority. Keep these outbursts documented, and perhaps carry a VAR if necessary. Don't hesitate to contact authorities or seek out help from a women's shelter if things escalate and get out of control.
Keeping you and your son in my thoughts.
Btw, been a nissan fan a long time.
High school had a 71-240, and a 76-260.
Sold those, bought a 96-300turbo, sold that, bought a 350.
Tried to sit in a 370, and realized,,,it aint happenen...
Volvo here i come.
Actually sitten in it was no problem.
Umm, getting out??
Stbx has our altima...somewhere.
[This message edited by exhaustedheader at 12:25 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]
Prior to my current Nissan, I had a 2WD Nissan pickup. It was a great truck, but did horribly in the Colorado snow with the rear wheel drive, even with the 400 lbs of sand that I put in the back. I had a couple of Subarus before that. My first love, though, prior to my 4wd Subarus, was my '76 Toyota Landcruiser FJ40. Man, I miss that car... down to the manual locking Warn hubs. It had a 4l straight 6 engine that was easy for me to understand and work on. I'm not a very mechanical guy, so that was a blessing to me.
Anyway... sorry... had to shake my head to get out of daydreaming about my first car.
That sucks about your Altima.
Yep, i had to grab the tractor that had the red car under it.
Only fatality ....if u see the red flatbed tow truck with two cars jammed up under it, thats my friends tow truck. He broke his lower back...first car hit full force, followed by the second at bout 40mph.
I live for that.