Karma's a bitch.
No, I did not. Because he was not ready to go the
do you see that you are making decisions for him and how harmful, unnecessary and manipulative this is?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I will be completely honest with you, and tell you that I am a little bit scared of letting go of the outcome. But since I don't really have a choice since I don't really have control of the outcome, I am choosing to behave like the kind of person I want to be. That includes doing hard things that make me look bad and put my feelings at risk. I put myself in this position 12.5 years ago with my stupid choices.
Thank you for reminding me to be authentic.
Being in a madhatter M is not easy and it lengthens the healing time by quite a bit, that is my opinion. Can it still happen, yes. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of patience and a willingness to not hold up what the other partner did all the time. Only you know if you have it in you to go forward. We are here for you to talk to, as this situation is different from others.
I wish you the best in going forward with being honest with your H.
I am choosing to behave like the kind of person I want to be.
this is good!
and regarding your relationship now - you have a right to have boundaries. Dont' think that because you did this first that it's ok for your husband to have an affair too.
Put boundaries in place, tell him what you need, and stick to them! He is not owed an affair.
[This message edited by rachelc at 10:46 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
But assuming he does agree to NC, how do we reach out to one another a little bit and have safe interactions? Or do we just not do that for now? How do we know when the time has come to do that?
I am not able to get any work done and I haven't even fed myself or my cats yet today.
I spoke with H a little last night, and he loves me very much, so I am doing whatever they ask me to around suicide prevention, because I know how important I am to him and how much it would hurt him if I killed myself.
I felt so sorry that I was dragging him back into this when he's supposed to be off dealing with his own pain. I just don't seem to be able to control my own pain from the fear of losing him very much.
He still says that if I mean "being married to him" is what I'm afraid of losing then that is a "distinct possibility", but for now he seems to still be sleeping under this roof. He's going to continue his IC and will take MC one appointment to the next.
I know I'm holding on to hope in vain, but I won't have to die for now like this.
Being a madhatter it is difficult when we have both the pain of being a BS and a WS going on at the same time. It is important that you learn to start sorting out and dealing with your pain on each level. It can start to feel like it is going to swallow you up if you sit with it for too long. Make sure you have a good IC.
Most importantly, the only person that can really save you is you. There are countless people here genuinely worried and concerned for you here.
Please seek and find the help that you need and deserve.
You might come out the other side of things and surprise the hell out of yourself with the realization of how beautiful and rewarding life can really be when you are not fighting that constant depression. It really can get better and more beautiful. I swear this to be true!
I agree with JaneDeaux on the counseling. My wife and I pretty much concentrated on our own IC's more than anything else, and that seemed to be the best plan of attack for us. We both had long standing individual issues that we needed to work on outside of our relationship and infidelity as well.
Best of luck. I am glad to see you posting here.
get into IC. There is also a sexual abuse thread in the I Can Relate forum on this website. That may be a place to get some understanding as well.