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Madhatters Only Thread

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NoDoormat posted 5/28/2014 09:57 AM

No, I did not. Because he was not ready to go there, and he just swept everything under the rug. I did not know how to be properly remorseful, so I just ended the A, told myself I wouldn't burden him with more pain just to assuage my guilt, and set about spending the next 10 years working on being a better W. Unfortunately, our codependency was never addressed. I let him continue to not seek counseling, trying to fix it all myself. I also just realized I probably permanently put myself in the Giver role out of guilt, and he got so good at being the Taker that now he's unremorseful in this EA.

Karma's a bitch.

tired girl posted 5/28/2014 10:11 AM

So what are your thoughts about being completely honest now and letting go of the outcome? Don't you feel that it is about time for you to be completely authentic in this relationship? What he chooses to do or not do is not in your control.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 10:20 AM

No, I did not. Because he was not ready to go the

do you see that you are making decisions for him and how harmful, unnecessary and manipulative this is?

NoDoormat posted 5/28/2014 10:35 AM

Of course I see that. I was selfish and horrible. I am genuinely remorseful. That's why when I met with our MC individually yesterday I told her I would be willing to lay that all out there. Just as I deserve to have all the information to make an informed decision, and OW's XBF deserved all the information, so too does my H.

I will be completely honest with you, and tell you that I am a little bit scared of letting go of the outcome. But since I don't really have a choice since I don't really have control of the outcome, I am choosing to behave like the kind of person I want to be. That includes doing hard things that make me look bad and put my feelings at risk. I put myself in this position 12.5 years ago with my stupid choices.

Thank you for reminding me to be authentic.

NoDoormat posted 5/28/2014 10:37 AM

But still my question remains, how do I protect myself from this current abuse that I am receiving from my H?

tired girl posted 5/28/2014 10:43 AM

I am glad to see that this is the choice that you are going to make. It is really the only way that you can go forward and have a truly authentic relationship with your H on your end. He has to decide if he is going to do it on his. Should he decide not to, then you can make a decision on your end to not stay in the relationship. But you will know that you have done your part to be honest and real.

Being in a madhatter M is not easy and it lengthens the healing time by quite a bit, that is my opinion. Can it still happen, yes. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of patience and a willingness to not hold up what the other partner did all the time. Only you know if you have it in you to go forward. We are here for you to talk to, as this situation is different from others.

I wish you the best in going forward with being honest with your H.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 10:45 AM

I am choosing to behave like the kind of person I want to be.

this is good!

and regarding your relationship now - you have a right to have boundaries. Dont' think that because you did this first that it's ok for your husband to have an affair too.

Put boundaries in place, tell him what you need, and stick to them! He is not owed an affair.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 10:45 AM

I am choosing to behave like the kind of person I want to be.

this is good!

and regarding your relationship now - you have a right to have boundaries. Dont' think that because you did this first that it's ok for your husband to have an affair too.

Put boundaries in place, tell him what you need, and stick to them! He is not owed an affair.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 10:45 AM

I have no idea why this posted so many times. Sorry!

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:46 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

NoDoormat posted 5/28/2014 10:55 AM

I sure would like to know how to proceed from here. He doesn't want D, I don't want D. We're separated in-home, and to my knowledge, he has not ended contact. He wants to do it face-to-face (insanity, I know) and I think he was planning to have her come to town Friday and tell her that he is going off-grid for a month while he and I do IC and MC. I need to tell him tomorrow that I won't be married to a man with a girlfriend. I want so badly to be able to work this out. I am willing to be separated for a very long time while we do IC and MC.

But assuming he does agree to NC, how do we reach out to one another a little bit and have safe interactions? Or do we just not do that for now? How do we know when the time has come to do that?

NoDoormat posted 5/28/2014 11:22 AM

Anyone have any ideas? I have to leave for IC in a couple of hours and I would like to know what my best use of my time will be for this session.

I am not able to get any work done and I haven't even fed myself or my cats yet today.

NoDoormat posted 6/1/2014 10:35 AM

He talked to me for several hours Friday night (after DDay2 Thursday), and really lashed out at me. I was so remorseful I sat there and took it. And because I had been telling a few people that I thought I might kill myself, he had me stay with a friend that night, and then another friend yesterday. She asked if I would text H and ask him to change the combination on our gun safe, so I gave her the phone and let her do it, then gave him her contact info and they traded a few texts.

I spoke with H a little last night, and he loves me very much, so I am doing whatever they ask me to around suicide prevention, because I know how important I am to him and how much it would hurt him if I killed myself.

I felt so sorry that I was dragging him back into this when he's supposed to be off dealing with his own pain. I just don't seem to be able to control my own pain from the fear of losing him very much.

He still says that if I mean "being married to him" is what I'm afraid of losing then that is a "distinct possibility", but for now he seems to still be sleeping under this roof. He's going to continue his IC and will take MC one appointment to the next.

I know I'm holding on to hope in vain, but I won't have to die for now like this.

tired girl posted 6/1/2014 12:03 PM

Do you have any plans to start exploring in IC why this M is more important to you than your own life?

Being a madhatter it is difficult when we have both the pain of being a BS and a WS going on at the same time. It is important that you learn to start sorting out and dealing with your pain on each level. It can start to feel like it is going to swallow you up if you sit with it for too long. Make sure you have a good IC.

LosferWords posted 6/1/2014 12:33 PM

NoDoormat, you have some severe and dangerous depression going on. You need help. I have been there. I have felt the frustration in my psychologist's voice as she tried to talk me through it. Ultimately I ended up having to seek the help of a licensed psychiatrist and get medication. It was probably the only thing that saved my life at the time. I tried talk therapy, talking to friends, reading ("Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns is a great book and I did get a lot of tools out of it, by the way), drinking my way to the bottom of countless bottles of liquor, redirecting my rage to my wife's AP and having to be talked out of murdering him multiple times, joining a suicide forum, etc. Really the only thing that ultimately worked *for me* was psychiatric help.

Most importantly, the only person that can really save you is you. There are countless people here genuinely worried and concerned for you here.

Please seek and find the help that you need and deserve.

You might come out the other side of things and surprise the hell out of yourself with the realization of how beautiful and rewarding life can really be when you are not fighting that constant depression. It really can get better and more beautiful. I swear this to be true!


redwall77 posted 6/4/2014 11:14 AM

I have been lurking around this sight for months now off and on. My fiance has been on here for alot longer he is here religiously. I have Made numerous attempts to post and have chickened out everytime. I have come to the point now in my life and in my relationship that I need to do something to help me heal from my fiancé ' s infidelity and to find out why I thought it was ok for me to have one years later. I have questions tons of them that I don't think I deserve simply because I didn't want to face them when I found out about his. I made the decision to forgive and forget and I actually thought I could do that. But look at me know I am a member of a SI family and I'm posting on a mad hatters page. Never thought I would find myself here. I need help understanding things I don't know what I'm doing wrong I feel like a disappointment to my F everytime we sit and talk about my A. I feel like I'm being blamed at times. I have told him lies about my A from the very beginning. There where a lot of TT and minimizing also. I have fixed all the lies and TT but is it too late? Have I completely f***ed my relationship and the possible chance of reconciliation? I know I have never forgave him for his A and we never talked about it I chose not to and of course he climbed on board with that decision. I made that mistake and now I don't know how to give him what he needs. I need help, I need advice, I need just a little glimpse of hope if there is any.

JaneDeaux posted 6/6/2014 06:03 AM

Welcome Redwall. Are you in counseling?

redwall77 posted 6/6/2014 09:03 AM

Thank you for the welcome. As for your question no i am not in counseling although I should be. And I want to be. I have other things besides infidelity that needs to be worked on I am also a survivor of CSA.

JaneDeaux posted 6/6/2014 16:37 PM

Yes counseling is so helpful. It's hard but fixing yourself is so important. Especially in the crazy world of a MadHatter. You've come to a great place for support.

LosferWords posted 6/6/2014 16:43 PM

Hello and welcome, redwall!

I agree with JaneDeaux on the counseling. My wife and I pretty much concentrated on our own IC's more than anything else, and that seemed to be the best plan of attack for us. We both had long standing individual issues that we needed to work on outside of our relationship and infidelity as well.

Best of luck. I am glad to see you posting here.

rachelc posted 6/6/2014 16:44 PM

redwall: there is hope. a LOT of it. But first, you must be willing to stare yourself in the face. Look at the person you are, define what you value, get some clarity about the kind of person you want to be. In other words - work on you first. Then, you need to look at what he did and how/why you reacted the way you did.

get into IC. There is also a sexual abuse thread in the I Can Relate forum on this website. That may be a place to get some understanding as well.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/9/2014 15:40 PM

Just wondering how you guys handle discussions about the A's?

H and I thought it would be best to schedule talks that specifically centred on one of our A's. So discuss one at a time, that way we're only focused on one person's feelings.

Anyone else do it a similar way? Or got a better suggestion?

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