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Texashunter41 posted 2/13/2018 07:30 AM

Wow, glad you were able to get it out on your own. Wish my WW would have had the balls to fight for me and come clean. Maybe itís just me but seems she doesnít care for the marriage anymore and is set to carry on with her AP once your have the means to leave. That I feel is horrible and is that the kind of person one would want after everything that has been done. I was hoping to hear that she actually would see you once you came forward and addressed everything. That there would be a chance. But I guess what I hear is a cold woman who is just letting you hang around till you get your life together and then letting you go. Iím sorry to hear this, I give you props for manning up and getting it out there. For trying to get her to see you again and she just doesnít care. Keep us updated. Hoping she will think. About it for a few days and will open her eyes and do the same as you.

GetGrilled posted 2/13/2018 07:45 AM

I appreciate that, Texas.

It's amazing to me how much of this sort of thing is a who-blinks-first proposition.

She thought I abandoned her in 2013, and I know she's done the same to me now. Doing my best to not normalize my situation. Clearly, she long ago did.

The only question that remains is whether I'll be around when/if she sets herself free of her mindset. Unlikely, of course. And I know enough about her personality that I'd have to be utterly shocked if she decided to reconsider her path.

Actually, I have other questions related to revenge. I realize healing deals with that urge. I'll lurk and ask in some other threads perhaps.

I'm all for an amicable split but neither of us have money, and I need to remain clear eyed about what to do next. Hey, it's my first divorce about to happen. Wanna make sure I get at least something right! :)

Texashunter41 posted 2/13/2018 11:14 AM

Well no matter what it is n your best interest to talk with an attorney and make sure what your rights are and how things should go for you should this be the thing that will happen. For me I didnít care that my WW knew and even informed her what I had been up too. Just better to be safe than sorry..

GetGrilled posted 2/14/2018 13:53 PM

Who to tell, and what to tell them -- some things I'm considering, and why

- the fiancť of her ONS, who she wishes to retain as a close friend (the ONS is the friend, not the fiancť)

Goal would be to inform the fiancť of the rough timeline (which I know involves her) and that they continue to sometimes flirt with obvious innuendo.

The implication being that inappropriate behavior begets bad behavior ... on this belief my wife and I strongly disagree: "I can flirt playfully and it doesn't mean anything. I don't have any interest in sleeping with him again and he knows that."

I have reason to suspect the former ONS feels the same about how he behaves: justified, and just friends. Unless my wife sends him another picture of leggings so that he can comment about the effect it has on his pants and how cute her butt is.

It's possible I'm wrong, and that it is truly innocent today, and that "close friends" or even "friends with history" can and do talk like that. That being said, she'd never read Not "Just Friends" without a gun to her head.

- the ongoing AP's _______ ?

He's a black hole. I have zero knowledge of him even having a wife or family. I've Googled. I've scoured FB. He has relatives here and there on FB but I'm not sure who is who.

Any adult? close to him needs to be told? but I don't have a clue who that might be. I don't want to inadvertently send a message to offspring.

I know where he works and have that contact info, but no desire to contact this OM directly, because :

- ... I'd rather their shared coworkers know and karma them both

Or maybe I'd bcc him on an email to them. He'd know, based on how it was written, coworkers know but not know which ones ... I'm unsure if tipping my wife off so blatantly is good or bad.

Grayer area? She actively hides it from them still They make travel, hotel, dinner, and meeting plans with the goal of "not making appearances" and yes this includes "little white lies" to them. Elaborate schemes, like making lists of people who should/should not see them together and under what circumstances. Making sure not to come out of hotel elevators together. Explaining to coworkers why they're in the same meetings/restaurant tables etc.

(ALL of that, while telling me she's eminently comfortable with her life path and that specific relationship.) And she knows I snooped in her computer; she has to know I know that minutia.

Seriously ... at what point is it reasonable for her to show me how happy she now is "because the marriage has been a sham, anyway, and I have no obligation to it anymore" (where there are no work consequences for her) vs. her keeping secrets from coworkers who think she contracts for the AP's company in a purely business manner? Would they not question that business relationship??

I don't see a downside to her work relationships being harmed. Did I not read on this site that there should be work consequences for affairs happening at work? She has had none, zero.

The couple days here following D-day have been great. Light, breezy, no tension. Relaxed, now that she's come clean with wanting to split up, she's free to live her life, right? She hasn't even changed her laptop password.

She can go back to being angry, shutting down, feeling vengeful, even. None of that = regret/remorse.

- friends/family

Still working on this one. Ironically, I see these two groups as the same.

Where recently I would have been mortified if anyone knew what I did, I am rapidly not giving a shit who knows. Thank my fog lifting for that.

Just yesterday I told my dad we're starting down the road to D, due to infidelities on both sides. Didn't judge me, just said, "I am not surprised" (to learn you're splitting up). Fully expect most everyone else that knows us to say the same thing.

In particular, I seek to gain or retain some control by letting anyone know that when we D it won't merely be because of what I did.

Texashunter41 posted 3/6/2018 10:06 AM

Been awhile but wanted to see how ya been

NewWorld posted 3/24/2018 13:08 PM

Any members here who were Madhatters Who Found Out Years Later? Unfortunately, I belong
to both of those clubs. Just trying to get someone else's perspective in that seemingly very
small group. Thanks.

Insearchofme posted 4/27/2018 15:26 PM

So what exac5ly is a Madhatter?

Candyman66 posted 4/27/2018 15:39 PM

A Mad Hatter is one that has both cheated and been cheated on in the same relationship. I'm a Mad Hatter because after I found out my 1st wife cheated I had a revenge affair with her older sister. (no I'm not a nice guy)

Insearchofme posted 4/27/2018 22:38 PM

Candy man it seems this is now me sadly...once a horrible broken BS and now a WS... I didnít think of it as a RA. I got caught up in bing convinced by another BS that we deserved some happiness.. we are both staying in our marriages due to family and many other reasons. Turns out, he was no better than my WH and I was no better than the OW.. kinda feel a bit sucky about now..

Problematic posted 5/12/2018 00:40 AM

First time posting here....

Well I was the one who cheated first. Days in. My bs didnít find out until about 3 years later. Since that day of the deed, PA, I havenít donít it again. In years following I lied well about dumb things really but none the less I lie. Now at the point where Iím asked to provide dialogue from the betrayal, Iíve also gave explicit detail, now at the point where Iím asked to bring it up on my own. Oh and not to forget that we had broken up my bs moved and moved on. I then reached out to the One I had the A with flirting with him because I felt low, wanted to feel wanted, the A partner was brought up so I figured why not....oh and not to mention I was suppressing that I had ever had the A so it wasnít on my mind when I reached out..Iím constanly pressed about my A when my bf has became the WS and letís just say heís has multiple PA as well as EA. We donít speak on what heís done because apparently itís my fault for my A, lack of communication, as well as lying. At the point where is gotten extremely toxic now an he goes between I forgive you and I hate you am calling me every name in the book.

FWIW I feel like shit that I can even make myself suppress it and that I donít tell him when it happened. That A is my biggest regret

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