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User Topic: From erotica, to bitterness, to talking with an AP to SI
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize in advance for this being so long.

I am not posting in Just Found Out because I found out 6 years ago about my ExH betrayal.

I was and am angry and bitter. During my singleness I started reading stories at an erotic website, and that led to me becoming a member of the forums. I have now been at the site for many years and in those years I have exposed many married men to their wives. I never planned on exposing anybody, but one day I had a married man continuing to send me private messages after I asked him to stop. When he continued I came up with a plan to get any information from him that I could, and then expose him to his wife if I could find her. I felt she had a right to know.

I began to discover that he and other men would give identifying information rather freely. Therefore, I began to expose these men when I had enough identifiable information to find their wives. Now, what led me to SI in recent months is the AP of one of these men. All of the wives I contacted were hurt but thankful I had given them the truth and offered proof. Some of the proof was solid and some of it was circumstantial, but all of the women were smart enough to connect the dots, all of the wives but one.

I contacted one wife and gave her proof her husband was at the site talking about sex and flirting with women. She was understandably upset, but she believed what I showed her and asked me not to contact her again. Within a few weeks I found evidence her husband not only was talking and flirting with various women, but he had started an emotional affair one year prior with one woman in particular. I had been asked not to contact her, but I decided she needed the new information. It was not hard and cold proof, but it was very easy to connect the dots and tie the two of them together. She did not believe me and she was angry that I brought her more evidence.

I had lost the plot during this time and I kept working to expose not only the husband on this erotic site, but also his AP. Needless to say, many people on the site thought I should mind my own business, as they were doing the same thing the WS and his AP were doing. His AP agreed to talk to me on the phone after I threatened to out her in real life. Now, I will admit I put some very distasteful things out in the open on the site and she stopped posting. I knew when we spoke she would be hateful and rude, but I was wrong.

She was kind and she talked to me about what I had gone through, and she told me I was hurting myself more than I was hurting the men I was exposing. She told me I could choose to heal my pain and become a better person. She was not who I expected her to be, but she is still an AP. I decided to take her advice and find a professional to talk to. I also started researching online to find help for those hurt by betrayal, and that is how I found SI.

Now, my messed up self is confused. She helped me after I treated her poorly and humiliated her time and time again. BUT, I know she is continuing the affair with him. When I spoke with her she would not under any circumstance answer any questions that pertained to him in any way. She would change the subject or say she was not going to answer questions about him. I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man, but I can tell you I have never come across a person so willing to listen to me (a stranger, if not enemy) and help and encourage me. She never called me a name or said anything negative about what I did to her.

I am trying to heal and rid myself of the bitterness I feel, but I also cannot reconcile that woman being kind (genuinely kind) and also being an AP. APs are evil and destructive people. One of them helped my Ex destroy my life and family. I also hate knowing they are continuing the affair and the wife is too scared to face the truth. I know the cliff she is about to fall off of and I hate it for her, but she will not listen to reason and I promised the AP I would leave them all alone. Is it really harmful to me to expose these men and give their wives the gift of truth? I want them to be able to make informed decisions about their futures.

Go ahead and tell me how crazy I am.

[This message edited by LostAngry at 9:51 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imo you did the right thing.

If you contacted the bw and she slammed the door on your nose, that is on her. You did your job. End of story.

Why was ow nice to you? Who knows and who cares. She is knowingly doing something very immoral--and continues to do so. She may **sound** nice but she is not nice.

You want to heal yourself? First, get off that sight. Being there is just continuously ripping off the scab of an old wound. Stay here and get IC. (Note: some cool reading on this site. Look to the left in the yellow box). Honey, you cant be superman, the avenger or whatever super hero. You did a lot of service to other women. Now its time to stop that and heal yourself.

((Hugs))


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the site.

Sully is right. Harboring bitterness is letting "them" win. The best revenge is to show that you didn't let them ruin your life, that you're still happy and amazing.

I think you're amazing for exposing so many WS to their BS. You did a lot of people service and that 1 BW may either be in denial or prefer to live in the dark or have an understanding with the WS that she's ashamed she agreed to. Either way not our concern. I suggest going NC to ALL parties involved including that AP.

You think the AP is "nice". Guess what, we're all people, so is the AP. We have good and bad in ourselves and everything we do. Is my FWH "nice"? Yes. Was and is he "bad" too? Yes. And so am I. It's called being human beings, we have good and bad inside us. There's no need to dwell on this AP, you need to focus on you.

Read the library and the various posts in JFO(tactical primer, understanding 180, etc.) that people kept bumping.

Healing takes a long time. And it may seem like this whole thing just happened yesterday.

You can tell the subscribers to that website that maybe if they have SO that they should read "five languages of love", then maybe they wouldn't feel the need to cheat and destroy other people.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, my messed up self is confused. She helped me after I treated her poorly and humiliated her time and time again. When I spoke with her she would not under any circumstance answer any questions that pertained to him in any way. She would change the subject or say she wasn’t going to answer questions about him. I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man, but I can tell you I have never come across a person so willing to listen to me (a stranger, if not enemy) and help and encourage me. She never called me a name or said anything negative about what I did to her.

No, you helped yourself. That you chose to listen in earnest to what someone else was saying is a good thing, but read the rest of that quote. She has successfully deflected you from gaining any additional information that would out her as is your MO, and from what it sounds like, more or less removed you from doing so at all.

She is a liar and manipulator based simply on the fact she is involved in an affair. That is a cut and dry truth. It does not mean she is inherently a bad person, but she is capable of lying to and manipulating you. Why wouldn't she listen? What is it you did when you gathered information on someone to use against them? Why would she call you names? Did you do that as you gathered information? Did you listen to these men?

While I won't comment as to the good or ill of your actions (other than to point you to all the many thanks you received from those many other BWs), I will comment that you have no reason to trust this woman other than you want to find someone trustworthy, IMO. That environment is not one in which you should be looking for someone to hear you. On that, at least, she was right.

eta:

AP's are no more evil and destructive than anyone else. They are selfish and in the moment, cruel. I would not look on my wife as evil (even though my doctor use that word to describe her actions at the time years ago) but she was very selfish, and destructive.

People are not absolutes. It's possible she even believes she isn't doing any harm. That doesn't negate the validity of others feelings with regard to her actions.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 1:07 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome,
you will find a wealth of knowledge and experience here. You will also find ways to help yourself heal if you choose to.

I think you have been really lucky up to this point to not have someone figure out who you are, and come after you. For your own personal safety I would strongly suggest stopping this immediately. While from a BS(betrayed spouse) standpoint quite awesome what you were doing, still not really safe. One of the things we all learn as we heal is that we have no control over other people. You can't stop those men from making the choices they made, no more than you could have stopped your X. People choose to cheat for various reasons, but ultimately it comes down to them being broken people who need to heal in their own ways.

While this woman chose to be kind to you, she also has her own pile of issues. It's not your job to understand her why, why she chose to be kind to you, why she chooses to remain in an online affair. That's hers to own, and figure out.

It is however your choice to heal yourself, to purge the anger, the bitterness, and pain. To learn to be happy, strong, and love yourself. Life is short, too short to waste time on being angry.

Keep posting, keep reading. And welcome.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7808 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear LostandAngry.

I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man,

APs are evil and destructive people.

One of them helped my Ex destroy my life and family.

I've had thoughts like these. I've come to the conclusion that who we were a second ago, is who we WERE, but doesn't have to be who we are. We have the opportunity to begin to change, every momen that ticks by.

I say that to say that I'm not convinced that because we harm someone that we are always going to be bad people. I know we think in terms of the degree of harm, but is someone who speeds, and runs yellow lights and stop signs, thereby possibly endangering lives, a murderer in the making? Certainly we could argue that to be the case. They are bad people.

Is someone who posts on this sight during business hours, when they should be doing something for their employer, a thief? And so on.

In this one thing the AP you post about isn't doing a good thing. On the other hand her discussions with you seem to prove that she is compassionate and empathetic, which we think are good traits. How do you reconcile that?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably should leave that site. It is unbelievable how many married people go to those type of sites without the approval of their spouse. It sickens me to know so many spouses are living a lie.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why I let this one triad make me crazy. I definitely lost it for a time period. I earnestly wanted to help that man's wife and help her see what he was doing to her. I do not blame her for not wanting to face it, it is so very painful.

In this one thing the AP you post about isn't doing a good thing. On the other hand her discussions with you seem to prove that she is compassionate and empathetic, which we think are good traits. How do you reconcile that?

I cannot reconcile it. It does not make sense to me. I felt disgusted with myself when I began to understand why he would want to keep her in his life after he had dday1. I actually understood what he saw in her, but I cannot understand why she puts up with being second best. I am making myself crazy. The scary part is I would talk to her again if she contacted me. I feel as though she scrambled my brain, because I knew she had to be a bad seed. How did she pull off kindness? If you read the names I called her in the forums perhaps you could better understand my disbelief at her being anything but hateful to me.

I need help.


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel what you did was commendable. I want to think of a SuperHero name for you. "Exposure Girl" I am sure others can come up with better Super Hero names.

What this particular AP did was manipulate you. I imagine her compassion and empathy is what sucked her AP in. She is a pro. She got what she wanted from you. She mind fucked you. She may well be sociopathic. They get great pleasure at moving people around as if they are chess pieces.

I would highly recommend you not to ever speak to the AP ever again.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading yours and Sister's last post quite possibly she was toying with you. She see's you on line going verbal ninja on her and takes the stance of being nice in hopes you will go ninja again. I know people who do this crap.

Or maybe she just doesnt care what she is doing, what you think so she is just being herself: acting nice.

But she doesnt matter.

Nor does the bs...you offered her a hand and she slapped it away.

Let go of that site. Dont go there anymore if you truly want to heal.

Why cant you let go of their situation? Projection? Facing their pain is less than facing your own? There are other possibilities. None matter. Just time to let go and focus on you.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man


Go read down in the Wayward forum. Being an AP doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. It means you're making a horribly destructive choice, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person incapable of kindness.

I have a friend who'd give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She was a single AP to two different married men. My fingers would be numb before I could type out how messed up her childhood/self esteem are.

I'm willing to bet her kindness to you was genuine. She's justifying her affair in some way, but it doesn't mean she doesn't have positive qualities.

ETA more: I think you did what you could to expose the affair. If the BW chooses to ignore the proof, that is now her choice. Honestly, I do agree that it's time to part ways with this site. It sounds like it's keeping you in a bad place mentally.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:15 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6558 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have such respect for you. And thank you for all you've tried to do, in exposing the waywards. It sounds like it was a mission, and I'm sure you made an impact.

I'm so glad you've found this site. Today, now, it should be about helping yourself. You've spent so much time focusing your energy on other people's affairs, maybe (gently) it's time you give yourself a chance to heal. This site is a great place to start. IC will also help. I think it's smart to walk away from the erotica sites, and no longer give it a place in your life.

You deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. You've been through so much. If you stay on this track, you're losing valuable time. The woman you wrote about, she sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't be fooled. Look for genuine people to believe in, and discuss this issue with. There is a reason why the married men are cheating on their wives with her. She's good at what she does. And it sounds like it's semi working on you.

Take care of you, and only you right now. Life is too short, and it's time you allow yourself to be deserving of YOU.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Exposure Girl" I am sure others can come up with better Super Hero names.

I think "Exposure Girl" is one of those things that if it made it into mainstream would be a "WTF were they thinking" things. Like The Big O. A story about a giant robot mech called Megadeuce. Great fucking show, but... Big O. Megadeuce.

Exposure Girl.

If you still don't get it, have one drink and revisit it.

Sorry, carry on, all done.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "Exposure Girl" is one of those things that if it made it into mainstream would be a "WTF were they thinking" things. Like The Big O. A story about a giant robot mech called Megadeuce. Great fucking show, but... Big O. Megadeuce.

Exposure Girl.

If you still don't get it, have one drink and revisit it.

Sorry, carry on, all done.

I am not an exhibitionist!

Go read down in the Wayward forum. Being an AP doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. It means you're making a horribly destructive choice, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person incapable of kindness.

I have a friend who'd give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She was a single AP to two different married men. My fingers would be numb before I could type out how messed up her childhood/self esteem are.

I'm willing to bet her kindness to you was genuine. She's justifying her affair in some way, but it doesn't mean she doesn't have positive qualities.

I have revisited my conversation with her many times, and I tend to believe this about her, no matter how much I try to convince myself she cannot be a decent human being. I cannot explain her demeanor while we spoke. She was not cold or calculating. She was gentle, kind and caring.

You are all right though, I need to stop thinking about her and never go back to that site.


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "Exposure Girl" is one of those things that if it made it into mainstream would be a "WTF were they thinking" things.
If you still don't get it, have one drink and revisit it.
I didn't have a drink, but did revisit it. I told you others would come up with a better name.
I tend to believe this about her, no matter how much I try to convince myself she cannot be a decent human being.
That is fine. It doesn't really matter one way or the other, though. She is still a crappy person for not having compassion or empathy for the BW. She had it for you, but not her AP's BW.
She was not cold or calculating. She was gentle, kind and caring.
Many BS's here have a really hard time accepting that their warm, gentle, kind, and caring spouses of many years were this way to their face whilst coldly and calculatingly stabbing them in the back and betraying them. There are countless wonderful actors out there. <shrug> Who knows and who cares???!!!???


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was nice for only one reason.., you were going to cause problems. You were going to oust her and her MM. You were conned my friend. A true manipulator at work.
Go an publish it online or in social media about the MM and the AP. They are being devious and playing games betrayal games. Expose them


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I am going against the grain here, but I actually find your activities, while they may have brought a sense of justice I guess, not very healthy. And obviously, it has escalated and started to cause you problems. I am not trying to be mean, but I just can't see how in any way this would be a healthy pastime for someone.

Regarding the AP, I can't even imagine thinking that all APs are awful people, without any kindness at all. They may be broken, hurt, sad, selfish, or a host of other things, but they are still people. Almost person here on the boards who is reconciling is living with their half of the affair. Things are not nearly as black and white as you make them out to be.

I'd definitely find someone to talk to about this, and if you want to volunteer your time and help people, I'd suggest another avenue.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was nice for only one reason.., you were going to cause problems. You were going to oust her and her MM. You were conned my friend. A true manipulator at work.
Go an publish it online or in social media about the MM and the AP. They are being devious and playing games betrayal games. Expose them

I had already ousted her and her MM to the erotic online forum and to his wife. I know the general area in which she lives, but I do not know any other identifying information about her. I have her first name and general geographic location. Unlike her MM, she did not post personal information on that site and she never gave me any information.

I feel as though it is now a compulsion for me. While I was trying to show the BS the truth I was mildly obsessed with her, but I am out of control in some sort of compulsion or obsession to know more about the AP.

I am totally aware it is not healthy for me and it is keeping me in a bad place, but I have this need to know more about her. I want to figure her out and know what makes her tick.


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be grateful if someone contacted me, I can't for the life of me, figure out my ws username on his sites...if you see Mr ostrich, you know where I am.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I have this need to know more about her. I want to figure her out and know what makes her tick.

Why?


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 28
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