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User Topic: From erotica, to bitterness, to talking with an AP to SI
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have a good idea why LA is on this crusade and fixated on the AP.

LA - I think you are projecting the pain of the betrayal of you by your X. Its a common theme in many action heroe comics/movies that an incident in the past defines and drives the motivation to enact revenge. You were unable to do this with your X and his AP. You are grieving.

The AP on this site has become the AP of your X. Her being kind and not being nasty has rocked you to the core as perhaps thinking of the IRL AP, helped you pin your pain on knowing that. Hence why you are fixated. It is the chance for you to get in her head as to perhaps try and undastand wot happened for you.

I could be way off base of course.

As we often say here, take what you need and leave the rest.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You threatened to out her in real life which is why she agreed to talk to you. She then won you over, basically.

First, I hope you didn't give her any info that could lead her to your doorstep. Phone number, employer name, whatever. She sounds like a vulture.

Second, I think healing your heart is the primary goal and you've now found the best place to accomplish that. Welcome.

I do believe that ap's are just regular people with compromised values. Some think they are helping ws's by providing a much needed break from nasty bs's. Some feel the ws is their one true lurve. Some are probably trying to take back what was taken from them in a previous marriage. Who knows and why care? It's like trying to eradicate the ant population in south Florida. There will always be more ap's than there are superheroes. It seems to be a losing battle.

I hope you find a way to heal your heart from the awful betrayal your husband dished out.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6139 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who knows, she could be a psychiatrist or a therapist or a minister or a counselor in her everyday life, people do compartmentalize when in an affair. The WS isn't always this big bad person in our imagination. It could be anyone around you.

I do think you see your anger and bitterness and are ready to move beyond it now. I agree with others however that if you have not seen an IC for yourself I highly suggest it. Just to purge yourself and free your soul from this long painful journey you have been on.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, wow.

Let's start with that AP:

His AP agreed to talk to me on the phone after I threatened to out her in real life

IMO, this is *why* she was nice to you. I think she manipulated you. Big.Time. You spoke to her in an effort to get her to *see* the error of her ways.....and she kept the conversation focused on what was wrong with *you*. She's got some *mad* skills. Stay away from her.

While it is admirable that you are concerned with letting these BW's *know* the reality of their lives.....it isn't your duty to do so. I believe that the chickens come home to roost and these WS' activities will be exposed eventually. I don't believe the risk you are taking by *outing* these people is worth the information.

As Tush pointed out -- you don't know these people. And although the internet is touted as being a place to be *anonymous*, I don't believe that anyone can remain truly *anonymous* to a person who is hell-bent on finding out who you are and where you are. You are placing yourself in harm's way with your activities.

The site that you are on is a place of negativity for you. You are not there for the same reasons that many of them seem to be. You know that all of these *hook-ups* are wrong and I think that it is leading you down the rabbit-hole. You can't save these people and you can't get any of them to *see* that what they are doing is wrong. And by being there, you are placing yourself into somewhere that you are constantly being assailed by immoral behavior that goes against your own beliefs. No wonder you feel bitter.

Not to mention all of the head-space and time you are spending in this negativity. What about you? What about YOUR life? You can't save the world, but you CAN save yourself, kwim? Remove yourself from the *dark side* of life and move towards the light. Focus on yourself and surrounding yourself with more *positive* influences.

And stay the hell away from that AP....she gives me the freakin' heeby-jeebies.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ItsNotUitsMe
♀ Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, you are now aware that getting involved in these other people's lives/drama is not good for you. Hopefully, you will take the steps to get to the root of your obsession and try to resolve it.

The first time this happened you had direct contact with this person and I understand wanting to tell his B.S..

But with the others, its seems like (if I am understanding your story correctly) that you actually searched out these people and deliberately enticed them into conversations with the sole purpose of collecting evidence to rat them out. I am kinda surprised how many supporters you have for doing this, yet I am not considering the audience. But taking a step back and looking at this objectively, to me, it is an invasion of privacy. And just as you found out with this last one, you don't KNOW who these people are. Yes, it's unhealthy, and yes, it could be dangerous, but what really has me stumped is how come you felt it was your "job" to be the moral police.

Everyone has to be held responsible for their own behavior. And good people make bad choices everyday. You can only control yourself. When you try to control other people and put your expectations on them unwillingly, you are sure to be disappointed. Everyone is different, its what makes the world go round.

In no way am I condoning their behavior. I disagree with many people everyday, but if I went around after them trying to correct their actions so they conform to my own standards, it would simply be crazy making.

I found that many of my actions after d-day had a common thread of simply wanting to get control of something while the rest of my world was spiraling out of my control. I needed something to hold on to, to make the spinning stop.

If nothing else, this experience has taught me to let go a little and let things happen. As long as I stay true to myself, I found that I will be ok, no matter what is going on around me.

Please take care of yourself and focus on what is important, YOU, and not what other people are doing. Stay away from that negativity.

[This message edited by ItsNotUitsMe at 7:57 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Dec 2008
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnabe, thank you. I have taken steps to protect my anonymity. It is a place of negativity for me, and I need to focus on me for a change.


The first time this happened you had direct contact with this person and I understand wanting to tell his B.S..

But with the others, its seems like (if I am understanding your story correctly) that you actually searched out these people and deliberately enticed them into conversations with the sole purpose of collecting evidence to rat them out.

No, I never sought those men out or enticed them. Also, there were many that sent me messages and when I told them "no" they would leave me alone. The ones that were arrogant, blatant or predatory in their communication would get my attention. I would continue to talk to them and get what I needed to expose them.

The MM with the AP I brought up actually opened a joint account at that site with his wife. His arrogance is what made me target him. The cruelty of bringing his wife to a site where he was cheating with random women, and then began a LTA with one particular woman. DISGUSTING!


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did seek out the men simply be being on the site. Were you on that site to actually use it for it's intended purpose?

Anyway...if outing the MM wasn't affecting you so poorly I would say carry on if it makes you feel better but clearly it isn't.

AP's can be good good people that are making a horrible choice when it comes to their personal relationships. One of my best girlfriends was an AP, the only reason she isn't anymore is because she got tired of his broken promises. No one would ever guess she is an AP. Her affair went on for years, there was no dday, there was very little drama when it ended. She is moving on with her life.

You changed some lives by exposing those MM, hopefully all for the better. Let it go. Let that site go.

Concentrate on you. Have you read, "When good people have affairs"? Maybe that would help you to figure out what makes a "good AP" tick without actually talking to her again.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did seek out the men simply be being on the site. Were you on that site to actually use it for it's intended purpose?

I most definitely was there for its intended purposes. I read and shared thoughts on the stories with the authors. I also have many friends at the site.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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