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User Topic: What made you and your spouse decide on R?
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to Man Up, thank you for your response. This is similar to our situation and why I chose to R with my fwh.
On a good day, it's shitty. But, If you love each other, that's what you want the kids to learn.
What you don't want them to learn is that you didn't love each other, and you cannot fake that.

Stay for your love, but if that is gone, it's no life in front of you. That's what the kids learn. That, and it's ok to hurt someone you are supposed to love.

I hope he's just in the fog, and needs a 2x4 on the side of his head, but if he's not, please move on, don't live a life of pain, as that is what would be ahead of you. And not the lesson children should learn by witness.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was me who gave him the chance to R after he begged and pleaded not to get kicked out of the house. I was me who threw everything he owned out into the garage then had to listen to him crying like a baby for me to keep him. As it stands I now wish I had given myself some space between us to have a clear mind on that life changing decision.

His a with our neighbor was not intended as a way to leave me, it was used as a way for him to get that extra attention that he thought he so needed. However, that extra attention should have gone to me, not our neighbor.

So actually I chose to stay and R for reasons I still can't understand. Love, well maybe, family most definitely. It is what it is I guess.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:02 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In 1991 and 1992 it was the kids.
Now it is family.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We separated in April 2012. I wanted to R from the beginning but he was determined to stay separated to carry on his long-distance EA with OW#4. It wasn't until 6 months later, when I told him that I was ready to file, that he pulled his head out of his ass. He could clearly see that I was just done...and that he had messed up.

They had consummated their "lurve" for 4 days in July 2012 but broke up not too long after that because they "weren't compatible". He didn't tell me though.

After I told him I was done in October 2012, we started talking again. Started flirting. Started dating. We basically fell in love again. We were both cautious during the next few months. He didn't want to hurt me/kids again by coming home too soon - before he had his issues worked out in his own head. I was trying to protect me and the kids too. We had both changed and we spent time getting to know the new people we had become.

Then one night in January 2013 he showed up at the house with the flu. He stayed all weekend while I took care of him. As he started feeling better, we started really talking about Everything. By the end of that weekend, we didn't have any more doubts. We wanted to be together for US. Not for the kids, although they benefitted also.

It took a 10 month separation for him to finally grow up and really appreciate what he had all along. And I learned to stand up for myself - which I thought I was doing the previous 20 years. Turns out I was a trusting fool.

We reconciled because ultimately we belong together. We are a perfect fit for each other in every way. We still have bumps in the road occassionally. But we work them out together. We prioritize our marriage as #1 now, even above the kids.

I KNOW deep in my soul that he loves me and I love him. That's why we are together...

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only speak for myself, not my husband. I chose "not divorcing" in the early days, as I knew I was too all over the place emotionally to know what I wanted. So it was enough to say "I'm in this for now, until I figure out what I want to do."

Later I chose R because my husband showed enough remorse and enough glimpses of the good person I had always believed he was to give our marriage a chance. He also committed to NC, which was a big deal for me. That didn't come immediately after D-Day, but when it did, I knew I that R was a possibility.

The other reason I chose R was that I didn't want to give up on the marriage for me, for him, or for our kids if I thought there was any chance. If I'd moved to D right away, I would have always wondered "what if I'd given it a chance? Would we have made it?" Fortunately H seems to be stepping up. Are we breezing down the road of R with no bumps? No. But do I feel optimistic for us (and for my own future happiness)? Yes!

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 25
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