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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Standards
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, many relationships start in the workplace, from what I have read on here (and this is just opinion, not real stats).


This is pretending that he started an A at work instead of in a bar. So then do we say if LG10's WBF can't talk to any females at work except for work related stuff, or if he has to switch jobs because of his OW at work then she has to also. because he has rules she needs the same one's? No, because she didn't do anything wrong a t a bar before his A. I don't see double standards.

All I see that happened is Lonelygirl10 had a fun night out without being totally honest with her BF about needing one. This is why the friend could persuade her so easily (IMO). There is no shame in wanting that LG10. But, it is time to admit it to yourself and to your BF. Let him know you should have called but you want to do something for yourself every now and again. Be sincere and apologize for your part. But you did not have an A at this bar and you should not allow him to make you feel like you did.

It is time the both of you be honest about your feelings and that INCLUDES HIM.

Please learn move on and don't beat yourself up over this.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's your theory,LonelyGirl.

Ask *him.*


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think after the A, he's almost more jealous. My theory is that he saw how easy it was to cheat and how long he got away with it, and he's paranoid that I'm going to do the same thing.

As a FWS I can relate to that.

He is feeling paranoid and trying to make you feel guilty. I don't think you did anything wrong.
If you were out all the time without him, that would be different. It was one nice night with your girlfriend


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the comments.

In this case, you didn't necessarily do something wrong, as much as you missed an opportunity to do something right.

Your girlfriend's wishes were more important than your instincts to put your boyfriend first.

At the time, I wasn't thinking that my boyfriend was upset or bothered by it. In my mind, I had invited him to come with me earlier, and he declined. I kept him updated on where I was until he went to sleep. I didn't realize that he was upset, so I didn't realize I was putting my friend above him.

All I see that happened is Lonelygirl10 had a fun night out without being totally honest with her BF about needing one. This is why the friend could persuade her so easily (IMO).

You're exactly right. I needed a night out to get my mind off everything. I guess it does look like I have weak boundaries since my friend was able to convince me so easily to keep changing my plans... but, it's because I wanted to. If I had known that my BF had a problem with it, I would have more clearly said no to her.

So an update:

He came over Saturday, and we talked about what happened. He said that he was upset. I apologized 100% for not keeping him better informed about my plans, and for not letting him know that I was out later. I also apologized for him worrying about what I was doing, and said that I know I would have been worried if it was reversed. I then told him that nothing happened that was inappropriate, which he said that he believed. He asked me if this is the type of stuff I want to do in the future, and I was torn a little bit on how to respond. I don't want to go out to bars, get drunk, and act stupid. Definitely no. But I do want to occasionally go out with my female friend without him so that I can just forget the A for a few hours. That doesn't have to be in a bar, but that's usually where she goes since all the restaurants close at 9 PM here. I don't want to drink alot--I just want to hang out with a female friend.

He asked how I would feel if it was reversed. I responded that I don't trust him at bars because of the ONS and A. However, I also told him that if I knew 100% that he was doing all the same things at the bar that I was doing Friday night (and not crossing any boundaries), that I would be fine with it. The problem is that I can't know that, and I'm sitting at home worrying. He responded that even if he knows that about me, he still doesn't want his girlfriend at a bar until 1 AM.

We didn't really decide anything. I just apologized again for him being worried, and we dropped the subject. He's made what he wants clear now, and I guess I need to decide what I'm going to do. I feel very torn about it. I trust myself to not do anything inappropriate at a bar, and I'm not sure I want to make the promise now that I won't ever go to a bar without him.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1122 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lg,

The problem I see is that you're putting everybody above yourself. You think you should have forgone the fun ad companionship of your night out, because it upset your BF. You let your GF step all over your desire to go home when it was late. That's a lousy way to live - you need to treat yourself better than you do.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9989 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in IC to hopefully deal with my own issues such as codependency.

Moreso than how I dealt with the situation though, do you think it's normal for a BS to have double standards after an A with things like privacy, bars, opposite sex friends, etc? Or should everything be the same for both partners?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1122 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think everything should be the same but I am not okay with double standards.

The problem with saying "You cheated, I didn't" is that, while it's true, doesn't foster a cooperative relationship.

While your WS has to earn your trust back, IMO engaging double standards has less of a place in R and more of a purpose if you are still deciding to stay, or do not at all feel safe. Like privacy - keeping things private from your spouse still falls under the aegis of "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing." If you feel the need to hide something then the reason for it is going to be a lot more complex than "I'm not the one who cheated."


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7429 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take away the cheating for a second. What do you think a healthy relationship is like where communication is open?

I think a relationship is considerate of each other. Even if he did say he was sleeping I'd still send a text saying, "I'm sorry if this woke you up. Just letting you know that I'm going to stay out a little later with Jane. I'll text when I leave the bar." Someone brought up what if he woke up and you weren't there. Bottom line...you can text someone who is asleep.

However, that doesn't mean he should be turning this around on you to get the focus off of him. It doesn't mean he should be a jerk to you. If he was truly hurt and worried he should communicate that. Not accuse.

I think the term double standard is a very negative way to describe some things that are needed for a BS to heal. Like opposite sex friends. I think sometimes the WS doesn't want to deal with consequences of their own actions and will call it a double standard. It's not a double standard if you have been doing something right all along so therefore your choices allow you do something they shouldn't anymore because it's a consequence of their actions. Do they want to work towards reconciliation? Well that means dealing with the consequences and working towards proving that they are safe.


ETA: and what stillgoing just wrote. You can't take his consequences out on him. That's not working towards a healthy relationship or good communication. Just resentment

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:23 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone brought up what if he woke up and you weren't there. Bottom line...you can text someone who is asleep.

Well, we don't live together. I thought he was going to sleep, and I would have been honest the next day about how late I was out. But we don't live together, so him waking up worried that I wasn't home wasn't really going through my head at the time. I have apologized to him for that part though, and I know it was inconsiderate of me


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1122 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working in IC to stop being co-d is great.

Ordinarily, I'd say that different rules for BS and WS are OK if that's what you negotiate. In our case, my W must keep me informed of her whereabouts and companions, basically with no exceptions. I usually do the same out of courtesy, but if I forget to let her know of an appointment, for example, it's no big deal.

Since IMO you're too likely to let your boundaries get violated, I'd recommend you get help negotiating - perhaps your IC will provide the help. Your IC can also help you monitor how you're doing.

You can be yourself with strong boundaries and be in a great relationship, lg. Go for it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9989 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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