In the meantime, the only people who do talk to me are his coworkers -- one psycho called me on our anniversary to tell me she suspected he was off somewhere with OW... another just quit the job and moved home and sent me an email this morning offering to sit down to tell me everything I want to know about STBX and what he's been doing the last few months.
And I can tell some of my friends are keeping things from me. They know something about what's going on with him at work and they aren't telling me.
I just hate that I'm associated with such drama. And I'm horrified that he's treating me with such disrespect.
How do you say to someone "Yeah, he cheated on me and refuses to speak to me ever again." ?
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
I (and a lot of other people) tend to measure people by the way they treat others. His lack of respect for you, just lowers his own stature in the eyes of others. I know it's hard, but keep your head held high.
It's really kinda creepy that his CoWs are contacting you with information. I'm not sure what they hope to accomplish by telling you things about STBXH. Maybe they think it will help you in the D? Very strange.
I know you don't have kids, but I just want to say that they are part of the reason I am D my STBXH. I do not want my boys growing up thinking that this type of behavior is okay. They are too young at this point to be told the 'whys' of the D, but someday they will be old enough, and they will ask (unless they already found out on their own). My DD is old enough to know that Dad was unfaithful and that's why we are D. Kids learn more by watching your behavior, than from anything you say. I do not want her thinking that it is okay to be treated this way (or to do this to others). It's a balancing act, because he is their father, and they love him. But eventually, all kids figure out that their parents aren't perfect.
edited to fix errors.
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 7:31 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
My kids figured it out and I never said a word to them.
For those who weren't in our widespread circle of friends and family (ie colleagues), I absolutely told the truth. I usually (laughingly) say "I'm far too educated and classy for a Jerry Springer episode, but you know those shows where the husband confesses that he's really been with the best friend? It happened to me! That really happens!"
I learned to frame it that way even early on. To answer your follow up question - no, I feel NO shame. I did nothing wrong. Their behavior says everything about them, and nothing about me.
Even if that comes up it is a reflection on him not you. It wasn't until I accepted that my x's shitty behaviour is all about him that I no longer felt embarrassed.
Sure, I'm in a rut at the moment with the 1st antiversary approaching but its about self disappointment and introspection at what I put up with and what was wrong with me that enabled me to do so. Him being shitty and a poor excuse for a human being is still all on him.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
What I find embarrassing is that he became a "poofer" after false R. I asked him for 2 mos NC... and at the end of the 2 mos he moved, changed his phone number, moved his office, cancelled all of our insurance plans, etc. He has done everything he can to never talk to me again.
You need to get to a place in your heart, soul & mind that believes NONE of this is about you. All of these things are his doing, his choices, his actions. These things describe him. They don't describe you. They affect you, but they aren't your actions to "own".
If I walked up to you, bitch slapped you, then karate-chopped your arm & broke it, would you be angry at me? Would you be embarrassed about my actions or pissed off?
I think you need to find your anger at your WS. Anger is a fantastic clarifying emotion, it helps you get things accomplished, it motivates, it gives direction. Find it. I suspect once you do fully embrace your anger you'll find the embarrassment goes away.
So sometimes it seems to help if I tell people what he did and then say "you know, he did something like this before [tell the story]-- I never thought he'd do it to me, too. But I guess he has a history."
The reason I like to mention it is that I think it shows he has a pattern of poofing and it sort of absolves me from the suspicion that maybe his version of being unhappy or miserable before the A has any merit.
Dude just loses his mind and checks out.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:55 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
Anger has started to creep in in the last couple of weeks. I'm not comfortable with it at all (it's not in my nature)-- but I'm trying to embrace it.
It has gotten me to the place where I'm no longer playing the DDays over in my head or worried about what he's doing, what he thinks, etc.
I actually think my concern about being embarrassed, etc is a reflection of finally worrying about myself. So I think I'm on the right path...
being embarrassed, etc is a reflection of finally worrying about myself
I am going to gently say NO. Being embarrassed about someone else's actions means you are taking on a sense/feeling of responsibility for their shitty behaviour.
PL you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
ETA, we also work in the same field with common colleagues.
[This message edited by Tripletrouble at 8:20 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
I want to tell people so they don't assume I'm the issue, or that we were just not working on our marriage,
Exactly. And we don't have kids for me to worry about. Maybe some of it is me wanting him to see consequences... but a lot of it has to do with not wanting colleagues to think I'm a flake in my personal life to the degree that it can affect my professional reputation.
There are certainly other people in our field who have cheated, had multiple marriages, etc. It tends to look a little bad if they are perceived to have used those relationships to move up the ladder and/or seem unreliable.
Being embarrassed about someone else's actions means you are taking on a sense/feeling of responsibility for their shitty behaviour.
Totally. But I think I'm still accepting that there is no chance of R on my end in moving on to strategizing about how to address the D with others.
Two years out, I'm finally letting go of his shame. It's not easy, but you will get there. You need lots of therapy and real-life support to do this. I often look back at those still stuck in the secrecy of marriage to SAs and how they can't tell the world the truth. This is the kiss of death.
Repeat after me: This is not my shame. I did nothing wrong. This is NOT my shame!!! Someday, I swear, you will believe it.
he has dropped our friends and adopted hers, and no doubt they will not be advertising that he has abandoned us, or that they conducted a 14+ months affair while still married to me. He seems to be fully enveloped in a fog, and doesn't give a damn about the havoc he has created for us. In fact he has adopted the attitude that he is deserving of a "fresh start".
(( hugs ))
He didn't protect me and our marriage. I won't protect him and his affair.
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling
I was humiliated beyond belief in the beginning, but got over that quickly enough when I realized people were supportive when they found out, not judgmental or condescending in any way.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
It didn't work straight away. It made R tough for both of us. In the end it did work though.
I now tell people I'm divorcing him because I didn't like his girlfriends (great SI-ism!).
I was deeply humiliated by the cheating.
I don't understand why you are embarrassed that he doesn't speak to you. He cheated on you - what worse could he do? I'd be examining whether you are Actually embarrassed that you want him to talk to you?
I was deeply ashamed of wanting him to wake the fuck up, of wanting so desperately for this NOT to be a dealbreaker for me.
All mashed up this embarrassment/humiliation/shame is one giant shit sandwich. I don't want to admit to anyone lease of all myself what I was really embarrassed about so my humiliation over his cheating was OTT. Once I acknowledged what was really shaming me I was able to start working through it.
I'm not telling you what you feel, just offering another perspective.
I now go to the line - I didn't like his girlfriends when people ask why, what happened etc.
I don't have anything to be embarrassed except maybe the fact that I gave him too many chances to change and believed he would.
Now 2 years out his actions have no effect on me. He has embarrassed himself and our children on numerous occasions but that's no longer on me
I think he embarrassed himself enough making it public, that within a week of leaving he updated his FB profile to be 'in a relationship with OW'. I didn't know you could be in a relationship whilst you were married.