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User Topic: Do you tell people he cheated?
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you are embarrassed that he doesn't speak to you. He cheated on you - what worse could he do? I'd be examining whether you are Actually embarrassed that you want him to talk to you?

Hmmmm. I guess I'm embarrassed that not only has he humiliated me in front of family and friends and colleagues with his cheating... but he's also disrespecting me by refusing to face me or deal with our S/D in a mature way.

I feel like it's a reflection on me in a few ways.

(1) It says I picked a weirdo. Possibly a psychotic weirdo.

(2) That our M wasn't as ideal as I thought and projected it to be all of these years.

And I think there is an element here where I wonder what's so wrong with me that he can't even speak to me or acknowledge that I'm alive after all of these years. We rarely fought. I tried my best to be good to him. He has to know how hard this has been not only on me, but my family, too. But he appears not to care.

It's icky.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I tell people. I don't spill to everyone I encounter (though it IS tempting when the pharmacist tells me, yet again, what a "great guy!" Trac-fone is)---but when appropriate, I do tell people.

I don't keep secrets any more.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not embarrassed that I was conned, I'm angry. Furious at myself for bing such an idiot that I ignored all the big fat waving red flags that were whacking me in the face from day one. I'm angry at myself for having no sense of self protection that I put up with years of physical & mental abuse & did nothing to save myself. I'm angry that I waited until I learned about the philandering to even think D and even then I didn't until false R happened. Goddammit I'm angry at myself. And never again, like Scarlett O'Hara holding a clod of dirt over head, NEVER AGAIN will I accept shit in my life be it from an SO or a friend or even another member of SI attacking me.

So that's different from embarrassment because that is all about me & how I feel about me, and it's nth to do with others (unless they try & fuck with me).

But - and this is a big part of why I still participate on SI - I have an almost pathological need for everyone to know everything partly in service of taking my xWH down. His last A was carried on in front of his colleagues & mine. He lied to us all. He encouraged OW#umpteen to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit against his best friend at work. He skipped out in work duties to go fuck OW#umpteen in dressing rooms at stores near his office. He stepped on his own dick at worked, risked the lives of his colleagues in service of fucking the special agent now commonly referred to as "dumbass" by more than half of the agents who work with her.

So you see, there was no point in not saying anything. In truth I was the last to know.

And now in my current post I have to tell the front office & all of security so that xWH will not attempt to enter the country I am in, go to my office or otherwise track me down. And I have to do that bc he still tries. Just recently he attempted to get out in on a special weeklong training we do, and luckily the organizer knew to tell me so I could get security to shut him down.

So I'm doing my due diligence to spread the word, and others are too. And we do this not out of revenge - tho that's a nice by-product - but to protect ourselves, our colleagues, our agency & our livelihood.

I've told you before that you need to get angry. Others are saying it too. I understand the hesitation, without SI I'd still be wallowing in self pity & letting asshat run circles around me. Anger is important bc if you don't, you will continue to act in this self sacrificing way that does nothing but harm you. Get mad! Protect yourself & your career! That dumbfuck you had the misfortune to marry may be brilliant but that will never be enough to carry him through the long run working with people. You'll have staying power. But for god's sake, stop feeling embarrassed for being a loving person who didn't realize true evil existed, stop giving this asshat & the people who enable him passes, start thanking your lucky stars you got away, start telling everyone what a dick he is (no diatribes, just shrug & & say "yep I got had, turns out he's a philanderer who isn't worth the oxygen he breathes, so glad I got away' AND kick ass in you field & show everyone that you truly were/are the batter half of that pairing.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told you before that you need to get angry. Others are saying it too. I understand the hesitation, without SI I'd still be wallowing in self pity & letting asshat run circles around me. Anger is important bc if you don't, you will continue to act in this self sacrificing way that does nothing but harm you. Get mad! Protect yourself & your career! That dumbfuck you had the misfortune to marry may be brilliant but that will never be enough to carry him through the long run working with people. You'll have staying power. But for god's sake, stop feeling embarrassed for being a loving person who didn't realize true evil existed, stop giving this asshat & the people who enable him passes, start thanking your lucky stars you got away, start telling everyone what a dick he is (no diatribes, just shrug & & say "yep I got had, turns out he's a philanderer who isn't worth the oxygen he breathes, so glad I got away' AND kick ass in you field & show everyone that you truly were/are the batter half of that pairing.

WOORD!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys! I'm trying! Applying to jobs this weekend, in fact.

And I wouldn't be nearly as far down this path without SI. Letting go and getting angry has been a process for me. Two steps forward and then a step back. It's so hard when it's not in your nature to lose faith in people.

But at least I'm with you on not holding back and exposing what he did. Sure it's embarrassing, but I think I'll eventually get to the point where I'm not affected...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a tactic to employ when your inner monologue causes you to start feeling embarrassed is to remind yourself that he did this to his X-finance also. It is his MO, it is all on him, nothing you did/did not do can change that. He is what he is.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a tactic to employ when your inner monologue causes you to start feeling embarrassed is to remind yourself that he did this to his X-finance also. It is his MO, it is all on him, nothing you did/did not do can change that. He is what he is.

I do tell myself that... although I'm really amazed that he doesn't see the pattern or, if he does, he is STILL doing it to me when he knows that I'm going to make the association.

It's incredible to me that he doesn't accept that he has this problem and it probably says more about him than about her or me! Just stunning.

I remember on our last Dday, he called me and I answered and said "I'm shocked you called." He asked why. I said "Because I know I'm about to get [fiancée's name]-ed." He paused a REALLY long time. He knew what I meant. A little voice finally came across and said "No. I'm not doing that."

Yes. Yes you are doing that.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:25 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect that he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to see it. To admit he is doing it is to admit he is a shit. If he is anything like my x that ain't never gonna happen.

To admit he is a shit is to admit he is not the victim. If he is not the victim then he is a bad guy. My x will never accept he is a bad guy, so he keeps running and making it my fault to anyone stupid enough to listen.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's sad now to think back to what he used to say about his ex-fiancée and why they didn't work out. I remember him saying that she was too demanding and bossy. He'd tell me this story about how he used to pull all of the shades and hide from her on Sundays because all he wanted to do was watch football and she'd come over knocking on the door.

He made it sound like she was this overbearing psycho. Now I think to myself that she was just a woman planning a wedding and expecting her fiancé to help.

I've actually thought about dropping her an email since this all happened to ask her about their breakup.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(1) It says I picked a weirdo. Possibly a psychotic weirdo.

(2) That our M wasn't as ideal as I thought and projected it to be all of these years.

I think my therapist would ask you if you would judge a friend as harshly as you are judging yourself. A good example for me is Tiger Wood's wife - do I judge her for marrying him? No, I don't. Yet I blame myself for marrying my H who does similar things.

Have you read Brene Brown's books? I think you would love her first one: I Thought it Was Just Me: Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I am Enough.'"


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell depending on the person and the circumstances. All of my closest friends and family know the truth (as well as everyone who was in my Divorce Care group). Most people don't ask me, and I don't really discuss it with anyone because most people don't know my ex. He never wanted to hang out with my work friends or go to any work-related social functions, so most of my colleagues wouldn't know him if he passed them on the street. So, they all know I'm divorced, but everyone has been decent enough not to ask me about it.

If I do hear from anyone that he's been lying about it, though, I will have no problem correcting that person. But, considering that any "friends" that STBX and the OWife have are not friends of mine, it really hasn't been an issue yet.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good example for me is Tiger Wood's wife - do I judge her for marrying him? No, I don't. Yet I blame myself for marrying my H who does similar things.

Heh. I don't remember a ton about DDay (it was an all-night conversation), but I can remember at one point putting my head in the hands and moaning "Oh my God, you're Tiger Woods." I had seen a photo of OW once and my memory of her wasn't very flattering. I believe I referred to her as "you mean that ugly girl from that photo?" when he told me who it was.

He denied he loved OW or even thinking that highly of her, so I remember asking him if he thought he just made a mistake and gave into temptation or if he really was like one of these guys who has a perfectly lovely family and loving wife at home and who goes out chasing women. Basically, I asked him if he's just confused or hurting... or if he's a cad. He said he didn't know.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:21 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
seeking peace
♀ Member
Member # 6693
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My response is usually something like, "Oh, I didn't have a problem with him . . . it's his girlfriends I didn't like!"


Me - BW 49 Him - SA 49
DS 15, DD 13
FIRST Dday: 10/27/04 4 LTAs & more...
Tried to reconcile for six years until...
LAST Dday: 6/10/10
Filed for D: 8/24/10 Divorce final: 6/2013

Posts: 419 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm. I guess I'm embarrassed that not only has he humiliated me in front of family and friends and colleagues with his cheating... but he's also disrespecting me by refusing to face me or deal with our S/D in a mature way.

Gently, he didn't end your M in a mature way nor did he act with integrity. Don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M.

Please know I know how hard these betrayals beyond infidelity are.

I was 'lucky' in that the sad clown's hideous and cruel actions helped speed up my path to DONE.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Reality
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Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only my family knows. No one I work with or anyone outside the immediate family has any idea.

And yes, I didn't tell because after what went down when my first marriage ended, I knew there would be blow back that would only add to the pain.

Despite my first marriage - married to a diagnosed NPD presenting psychopath - being publicly abusive and terrible, when I finally made him leave, I was ostracized for at least a year, as were my children. Family, friends, even church acquaintances wanted to hold on to the image they had of our "perfect family" and were furious when I messed it up by outing the real situation.

The pain of that was at least on par with the horror of being threatened and stalked by a man we knew to be extremely violent and obsessive during that first year. To be safe from him, me and the kids ended having to abandon the safety we thought we had in the community. Not fun, but necessary.

This time around, after everyone adoring my current WH and frankly viewing him a bit as the salvation that changed us from being "that single mom family" to something more in line with a comfortable "traditional model" there wasn't a chance I was going for support from a structure that had exposed itself so baldly the first time around.

My family has been better this time around, but definitely not unilaterally on the "us" team.

I understand what you're saying, PL, about being embarrassed. If I push emotion aside and only use reason, there's no way I can blame myself for the lies my WH chose to tell and how that affected our family. I came in good faith, with full disclosure, and 100% ready to be in a committed healthy relationship. I made all my choices based on a long courtship, careful analysis, trusting the information he gave me, and being all in.

He still chose what he chose. I won't subject me and the kids to censure because of his choice from people who shouldn't have a say in this anyway. People that matter know. People that don't - DON'T.

I do say this, though, from a place of being in reconciliation with WH. If it didn't work between us, I wouldn't hide why the marriage ended.

I guess my point is communicate efficiently. Run a cost/benefit analysis on who you tell and why. Will it help? Then do it. Will you gain? Then do it. If it doesn't meet that criteria, you don't owe anyone any information.

[This message edited by Reality at 12:55 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 4 years now since DDay and subsequent D, but I have NO problem telling people that he was sleeping with his 20 y/o Philippino maid while he was working there and I was staying in the US trying to keep the house running and care for our 2 children!

He and his whore live in a different state now where no one knows about his past. I wonder if his friends there look at him and her and have put 2+2 together? They really look like an odd couple- he's 55 and dyes his grey hair to look young and she looks like a young 24 y/o whore!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People usually figure it out. I've stopped caring at this point. I do feel humiliated at times. Especially when normal people give perfectly normal reactions like, "can't you two work it out." or "why is he acting like that." It's sad, but I'll get over it.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell everyone.

His secret was my truth.

I still tell everyone.

And hell, people are always interested in some good dirt!


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am keeping STBXWW's secret, because we have three young daughters and I don't want them to think what their mother did is acceptable for them to do as well.

I'm in a similar position - with two young daughters. And for the time being, WXW's secret is safe; they're too young to "get it", and first and foremost in my mind is their emotional well-being.

But here's the BIG problem with this: I'm even more worried about the long-term damage from the default and alternative "story" - one which my WXW has and will continue to work hard to maintain as fact...that she and I just "couldn't be happy" together, so we divorced.

It's utter bullshit, and they probably know it. There was no visible deterioration of the marriage in their eyes. We were a happy family. No screaming, no shouting, no fights. The news that we were divorcing hit them both like a freight train, and we then started feeding them this line.

WXW believes it, of course. Like her serial-cheating mother, and her cheating sister, she's absolutely convinced that her own infidelity is simply an unfortunate symptom of a marriage that "didn't make her happy". My XMIL has "unhappied" her way out of four marriages to date, and was unhappy in her fifth, last time I checked.

It's pretty much a family script for generations of selfish, cowardly and narcissistic women, and more than anything post-D, I fear my daughters will inherit it.

Rather than ever looking inside themselves for the probable source of their unhappiness, they've all chosen to cheat...and then applaud each other as brave, independent, strong women who had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage (details aside).

God help my girls. Their mother is terribly afraid of them ever seeing her as a cheater, as she long ago told me it caused her to lose so much respect for her own mother when she was young.

So, in her mind, it's the thing that they can never, ever know.

[This message edited by jagged at 2:57 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im in the "not keeping your dirty secrets for you" camp. on D-day, I told WH that he either told family and friends the truth or they would hear it from me. Since then, I don't announce it but in a discussion or if pressed I will say, " I left him because, after being in difficult relationship for 43 years, his cheating simultaneously with two other women was a deal-breaker for me".
That usually ends the conversation


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Topic Posts: 70
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