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Newest Member: Chivalrous (45316)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ever feel like date night is B.S.?
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it just seems forced. I'd rather read a good book then stare at him across the table, wondering how the hell we got here.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hpv50)))


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like this on our last date night - it felt forced on my part, and just not a lot of fun, but more just going through the motions. When WS and I discussed it, he didn't think it was forced at all. It also didn't help that on both sides of us were couples laughing, kissing, and obviously having fun, and I couldn't help but compare us with them.

I think for me that he spent so much time pretending everything was fine during the affair that I feel like everything now is fake too, like if I relax and have fun, I am making myself more vulnerable later if I find out it is false again. I still like for him to plan nights out - but once it gets here, it does feel forced.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've burst into tears and couldn't eat through a couple of date night dinners at restaurants, so that must have been great for everyone around our table.
Muddled through. They are up and down, so yes, I'd have to say I feel some are forced.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted date nights long before WH began his affair with OW, and if we ever reconcile I dont think I want to have any date nights because all the things I had told him we should do, like going out to dinner, movies, dancing, well hes been doing them with OW and I just dont think I will be able to enjoy it!!!


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aahhhh "date night".....the cure all suggestion from non-affair affected couples to us....even got this advice from our pastor.

I say that in a bit of a joking manner....people mean well.

Connection....that is the underlying goal of a date night. Don't be too hard on yourselves when you fail to connect on any given date night. Speaking from MY experience....the affair was the ultimate connection breaker....but pre-A we both felt lack of connection on date nights too.

Date nights were NOT a priority for us.....should have been. We made a small attempt at about 5 months after DD to have regular date nights....that dried up . Probably need to commit again to this.


God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3953 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God yes. And often like sunshine said all the things we were supposed to be doing he was sharing with OW while I was 'doing the dirty work' at home. So totally trigger nights is more like it. I'd have more fun going out *anywhere* with a good friend than on a 'date night' that's supposed to be fun but only reminds me of all the sh*t he pulled for years behind my back.
ETA OW2 was all too happy to tell him how he was screwing up his life with the obvious ball and chain of a family and how he's never get to do anything anymore, while OW1 actually had the balls to post he's better get ready to put all his hobbies/computer stuff in the loft!
Selfish, and hard to not think of while out to a movie (like they did) or whatever other thing is last minute decided on. I wonder if it's actually worth it. Therapy would be a better closeness excercise if done properly than doing something pretending to have fun.

[This message edited by Shattered-Heart at 10:45 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, I think several of you have helped me figure this out.

My primary currency is "quality time" (from the book the 5 love languages), so to feel loved and valued by him, I need good quality time alone with him. But WH is a dismissive avoidant attachment type (per my IC), so he likes time together even less than a normal person. So I've felt deprived of time alone with him for years, coupled by his recent EA which involved inviting her to lunch and dinner (I'm super fortunate in that I busted him early in the latest EA by accident). Thus date nights and time alone are things I desperately need, but clearly he isn't comfortable, so what's the point.

He isn't yet to the place where he's really empathizing with me - he's come a long way in the last month, but mainly still feels frustration when I trigger, rather than comforting when it occurs.

ThIs is really hard for me. WH is getting his primary currency from me in spades (his is physical touch), while I feel neglected and dismissed at at time when I need the opposite.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah.

We had expensive season theater tickets (bought before DDay), and we both kind of felt compelled to use them. So a few weeks ago, WH wanted to go. I really didn't want to, because I am in no way ready for "romance" (still have feelings of literal hate for him on a fairly regular basis, and I wouldn't even say we are in R yet).

But anyway, I said ok. Then I was kind of reluctant to go, but he was so excited about it (I think he saw it as a step towards R), that I went anyway. Well, then I had a mini-meltdown while we were waiting for the play to start and was sitting there in the lobby trying not to cry.

And it was just like everyone said - I was looking at all these happy couples at dinner and wondering why I couldn't have a marriage that was like that (I thought I did until DDay). It was horrible. I told him I felt like our 'date' was just a lie, and he looked like somebody hit him.

So, yeah. Date night is B.S. Just another sad casualty of his poor decisions.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are last date felt forced like he was trying but not trying hard enough it felt awkward


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience has been varied. We had date nights DURING the affair. Then years later, we kept this up and went to see a movie some time after dday

Aptly titled "Date Night".

A comedy, and I really needed a comedy then, but part of the comedy is the inference that the wife was sleeping around with a real estate client of hers.

Not funny. We had to leave.

It got better later. We still do. It is only BS if one of you is not being "real".


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first couple date nights my WW and I went on, it definitely felt forced. We hadn't really communicated in so long, but there was no newness either. Oh, add in the fact that I had recently found out about her A and I was emotionally devastated. Those dates were not any fun for me and the more she tried to enjoy our time the more angry I was that she could be happy.

Things are different now. We really do have a good time together when we have date nights. If you don't go through the awkwardness, you can't get comfortable with each other again. Keep plugging away...if you both are working it will get better.

I am speaking specifically about date night. I still plenty of other arenas that I am completely befuddled about how to handle.

ETA: fix typos

[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 8:37 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 12

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