"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I think for me that he spent so much time pretending everything was fine during the affair that I feel like everything now is fake too, like if I relax and have fun, I am making myself more vulnerable later if I find out it is false again. I still like for him to plan nights out - but once it gets here, it does feel forced.
I say that in a bit of a joking manner....people mean well.
Connection....that is the underlying goal of a date night. Don't be too hard on yourselves when you fail to connect on any given date night. Speaking from MY experience....the affair was the ultimate connection breaker....but pre-A we both felt lack of connection on date nights too.
Date nights were NOT a priority for us.....should have been. We made a small attempt at about 5 months after DD to have regular date nights....that dried up . Probably need to commit again to this.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by Shattered-Heart at 10:45 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
My primary currency is "quality time" (from the book the 5 love languages), so to feel loved and valued by him, I need good quality time alone with him. But WH is a dismissive avoidant attachment type (per my IC), so he likes time together even less than a normal person. So I've felt deprived of time alone with him for years, coupled by his recent EA which involved inviting her to lunch and dinner (I'm super fortunate in that I busted him early in the latest EA by accident). Thus date nights and time alone are things I desperately need, but clearly he isn't comfortable, so what's the point.
He isn't yet to the place where he's really empathizing with me - he's come a long way in the last month, but mainly still feels frustration when I trigger, rather than comforting when it occurs.
ThIs is really hard for me. WH is getting his primary currency from me in spades (his is physical touch), while I feel neglected and dismissed at at time when I need the opposite.
We had expensive season theater tickets (bought before DDay), and we both kind of felt compelled to use them. So a few weeks ago, WH wanted to go. I really didn't want to, because I am in no way ready for "romance" (still have feelings of literal hate for him on a fairly regular basis, and I wouldn't even say we are in R yet).
But anyway, I said ok. Then I was kind of reluctant to go, but he was so excited about it (I think he saw it as a step towards R), that I went anyway. Well, then I had a mini-meltdown while we were waiting for the play to start and was sitting there in the lobby trying not to cry.
And it was just like everyone said - I was looking at all these happy couples at dinner and wondering why I couldn't have a marriage that was like that (I thought I did until DDay). It was horrible. I told him I felt like our 'date' was just a lie, and he looked like somebody hit him.
So, yeah. Date night is B.S. Just another sad casualty of his poor decisions.
Aptly titled "Date Night".
A comedy, and I really needed a comedy then, but part of the comedy is the inference that the wife was sleeping around with a real estate client of hers.
Not funny. We had to leave.
It got better later. We still do. It is only BS if one of you is not being "real".
Things are different now. We really do have a good time together when we have date nights. If you don't go through the awkwardness, you can't get comfortable with each other again. Keep plugging away...if you both are working it will get better.
I am speaking specifically about date night. I still plenty of other arenas that I am completely befuddled about how to handle.
ETA: fix typos
[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 8:37 AM, September 30th (Monday)]