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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I was right all along
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic-

I am not much further out than you, so take what I have to say with that in mind.

I say, if you see him giving you what you have been asking for, tell him you notice. Express you appreciation. Reinforce this behavior. You want him to be motivated to continue.

And, guard your heart. Watch and wait. If he is consistent then you will see it and bit by tiny bit your heart may begin to let him back in...he may have relapses but you should see a consistent effort over time that will tell you he is on his way to being the man you need. If you don't see effort sustained over time then you have a choice to make.

One other thing that comes to mind is - do go out together, spend time, try to laugh or do something you enjoy. Try not to talk about the A during this time. It's okay to try to spend time together and enjoy yourself a little if possible, without A talk.

((Statistic))


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he was fired recently asked to return by his immediate superior once the director, who fired my WH, changed posts. This was a surprise and rather disconcerting. It felt like his behavior was excused and he was left with no real consequence. So yes, he is at the place where the affair happened and he told me she has been there on one occasion with her BS. I worry each day that she will frequent the facility as often as before. Thanks for asking.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't finish responding because I needed to feed the little one. Thank for the replies. I will be careful. I am not sure as to the motivation behind this change. It is real? Will it be consistent? Is a person who cheats once more likely, or less likely to cheat again? My WH states that now that he knows the costs and how short-lived the benefits of the affair were, he would not choose to cheat if presented with opportunities in the future. I am wondering if I will find myself back on SI in the JFO forum in 5, 10, or 20 years.

I guess I am skeptical because not too long ago, he would say horrible things when he was angry that made me essentially give up all hope, and now this? Has anyone else experienced a sharp turn in terms of their WH behavior for the better? Was it real?

Am I naive to think he can change? Even if he does change, does this make up for what was done in the past? If I decide to stop the separation and move back home as a result of this "new" man he is trying had to be, am I excusing his previous emotionally abusive and cheating ways?


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Statistic)))

I am also struggling with many of your questions in my own situation. This is where I am on some of them.

Is the change real?

I don't know, but I am watching and waiting. 4 months out and I consistently see him trying and working. It's enough for me to " not divorce him" but not ready to say Reconcile.
We never physically separated.

Is he likely to cheat again?

I think yes - but, if he works hard to change, can that be offset? I think yes on that, too.

This is the second go- round for us BUT the first time we both rugswept. It is completely different now. Both in IC, MC, hubby is giving me what I ask for and even things I didn't ask for that he is being proactive about. I can say that the only reason I did not leave after Dday 2 is b/c we rugs wept the first one and I wanted to be able to tell my children I did everything I could if we did end up divorced.

If the A was not a deal breaker for you, and you feel a possibility in your heart for the 2 of you, there is nothing wrong with leaving that door cracked open BUT making sure there is consistent proof of change over time to make you feel safe enough to move forward before you go all in. In other words, reserve the right to walk away, set your boundaries and stick to them.

If he moves back home, does this excuse his past emotional abuse and cheating?

NO. The decision to end the separation is yours, you must feel safe first of all from any abuse. There is never an excuse for that behavior. I don't know what I would do in your shoes, you would have to use your own judgement. I can say that if you have a remorseful WH who is trying, and you want to give things a chance, then I think it would be much harder to be physically separated. Living together for me means still having a second parent there,not wondering so much about where he is/ what he's doing, and being able to take the opportunity for discussions when they come up. And yes, it has provided opportunities for mutual comfort and closeness.

Is an in- house separation possible for you? It might feel less risky if you could preserve some distance, but still be a step towards letting him show you his consistency.

I am such a newbie myself, here, maybe I am way off base. Your story speaks to me, and I have been following your posts. I think you are amazingly strong to do all you have done, and with a new baby too. Whatever direction you choose, and it IS your choice, I feel you will make it through even stronger. I wish you the best.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Statistic,
I have been following your thread and although my WH cheated in a different way, I feel exactly like you, same questions, same fear, same inconsistent and emotionally and verbally abusive treatment from WH.

Read the first post in the "hindsight is 20/20" thread by Katherine41.
Look at number 5. Is your WH doing everything on your list? That's what I've started to think about when I feel like he is starting to be remorseful. Is he doing the minimum things I've asked for?


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you PregnantandLost, IWILLNOT and Jess. Yes, an in-home separation is possible. I can see how it would benefit the family if we were to move towards R. My fear is that the arguments will occur again. I wonder how long until he loses his patience with me.

IWILLNOT- thank you for saying that you think I am strong. I needed to hear that.

On a related note, I am embarrassed to return. My family and friends feel very strongly that a divorce is in order. I can only imagine how they will see me if I decide to return. I don't blame them.

Today was a rough day - a local conference I registered for is using the hotel my WH and the OW used. I don't think I can go. I started getting mental pictures and spent my lunch break crying in my car. Each time I have a moment like this, I want to run as far away from him as possible.

I met with another lawyer because the first was too expensive. I scheduled todays appointment a month ago and decided to keep it because I am not sure what the future holds. The lawyer seems good and has a more reasonable retainer. However, he mentioned that if my WH wants to play hardball, he recommends calling the OW as a fact witness in order to establish fault and turn things in my favor. Do any of you have experience with this? I may post the same question in the divorce forum.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 166
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