But I did it, and am STILL doing it. Through sheer force of will, spite, and stubbornness. I consciously decided that he had *taken* enough from me....he wasn't going to *take* that too. I would succeed *in spite* of him and his debauchery.
Your situation is a bit different now, though, since he has lost his job. You probably really NEED to keep your job. So compartmentalize as best as you can. Take it second by second...just get through one minute at a time. Take a couple of days off if you need to. It might also help to share what is going on with someone at work that you trust so that they have a *context* for your behavior and also act as a support for you. A kind word or just a pat on the back or arm.....
Just keep breathing. You'll get through this.
And happy birthday!
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Hang in there--focus on each task and take deep breaths; we are all rooting for you! ((( )))
One, two, three like a bird I sing because you have given me the most beautiful set of wings----Tim McGraw
did you all find yourself in denial at the beginning? I was much more upset before...I think there is something wrong with me.
Yes. I think to some degree we all find ourselves in the land of denial. No way can this happen to ME. To US. This is something that happens to OTHER PEOPLE.
You are perfectly normal in feeling whatever it is your are feeling at the time.
You have been just swept up in the tsunami of infidelity. Every emotion possible will inflict itself on you. All the ugly debris will swirl around. It's one hellava storm but you can survive. You will survive because you and your daughter are MORE than their lies and betrayal.
It is hard to concentrate at work but it also provides a much need break from trying to figure all this out and thinking about the affair constantly. It provides you with an outlet and a break.
Do your best. Give what you can and try to allow yourself to gain your footing in your professional life.
Your personal life will take some time. And hard work.
Deep breaths. One step at a time.
If you WH is making comments about hurting himself then he needs IC immediately. And he should not be left alone with your daughter. This can be a cry for help and also an act of manipulation to pull the focus off the affair. Just be mindful.
We are all here. You will be okay, you will.
Many hugs and prayers.
How did you make the decision to R or divorce? Even after all he has done, I'm terrified of divorcing him and being alone, without him. It is especially hard to think about divorce when he is so apologetic and promising the sun and the moon. The only time My pain ceases for a second is when he contacts me. I apologize if I say the same things again and again.
I started therapy today and saw a lawyer.
~~Tao Te Ching
I decided to divorce because after four months of absolute cruelty, of treating my like I was a yoyo (albeit with less humanity than one), I had had enough pain. I still loved her with all of my heart. I still wanted our life back. I still didn't want to be alone. I just had enough and couldn't hold onto false hope any longer.
Meds can help to take the edge off of the pain and you might find that the right antidepressant med for you ( one that works well with your body) increases your energy levels a little bit..
Therapy is a good place to vent if you have a therapist who you like going to..
Distractions are great!
For me distraction is the best tool I have going for me for taking the edge off of pain and depression....
My doggies are the sweetest most lovable funny awesome companions and they provide distraction and exercise :-)
Hanging out with my sister is something I look forward to for weeks..She moved out of town recently, but for the time being she will come in to town once a month to lead a workshop for her job..
My photography work..Shooting and editing photos distracts me enough that I sometimes forget that I need to take a meal or a bathroom break, lol
In time you will get to the point of knowing what you want to do whether it be R or divorce..
The ABILITY to carry out whatever decision you make may become the obstacle or problem to deal with as time goes by..
In the meantime, during this time of limbo that you are going thru, I would take measures to protect yourself and your child by doing the following...
Widen your social network so that you have plenty of support from family, friends who are there for you whether you R or D..
Protect your financials and separate you accounts(banking, credit) from your WH's..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:09 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
My problem is that I assume people will behave in a certain and when they do not I am truly perplexed and paralyzed by the shock. I expected him to jump at the chance for counseling bc it meant I was willing to consider working on things. When he says no and instead gets defensive, my whole world goes to pieces and I want to reason with him because I want him to understand what we are losing and help him understand than right way to handle this. I know I am in the wrong. It's futile. But it is killing me and I want it to stop.
Take control of your life and do what you need to do. He can step up-or not. That's on him.
I found that Ativan and Anti-depressants took the edge off the pain, but it also dulled my mind. I didn't feel as though I were totally engaged with my life when I was on them.
Do you like the lawyer you visited with today?
Once you find the lawyer, see what you can do to legally protect yourself and kiddo in the best ways possible..
Your WH is only thinking of/ looking after himself...
The statement your WH made about not being willing to run in circles shows his lack of remorse and fogginess...
My WH made similar such remarks that showed his lack of respect and remorse for the damage he did in our M..His comments made were along these lines, "Haven't I done enough here to show you I'm sorry?" "I am not gonna kiss your ass for the rest of my life"... etc, etc..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:27 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
3 months ago I was where you are. I wanted to die. I was terrified to piss of H for fear he'd go back to her. But you know what? 3 months later, my days aren't all sunshine, but, I feel better. My H has begged for ME to stay and regrets his affair. You are not the problem, you never were. It was all about him. The good people on the SI message boards have helped me to understand that affairs are selfish...and, has nothing to do with the BS. You will be okay. You'll have your moments that will trigger intense feelings (sadness, anger) but these feelings will pass and become less frequent.
I cannot tolerate knowing he held, kissed, and slept with another woman, not one considering what we would lose for his brief moments of pleasure. Thinking of the two of them together makes me sick but the image pops into my head. How could he enjoy involving himself in such destructive behavior. Why wasn't my love enough? Why wasn't I enough?
Exactly what repeated in mind everyday for over a month after his affair. BUT, I'm slowly recovering. You will be okay. You may not feel like it now, but, you will be.
Also, my husband also let me feel crazy, I would ask him, who is she? who's got you acting like this? and he would treat me like I was nuts. I know I'm rambling a bit...all this to say; you aren't alone, we've been there and we're here to help you with advice, venting etc. and, when you're ready read the healing library, post as much as you need and, if you can, getting counselling can help work through the emotions.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:26 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I think you are doing the right thing, requiring counseling(IC) as a condition for R
You are still in the very early days. You get IC for yourself, you consult with a lawyer (file if you need to), 180 him and take care of yourself. Stop offering him stuff. He doesn't want to talk? Fine--that works really well with the 180. I know this is incredibly hard, but it will make you feel better. Detach from him and give yourself some perspective. I can tell that you are a strong, smart woman. You can do this!
But he is making it impossible to keep him. Me not wanting to lose him speaks volumes of my own self esteem and dependency, and less about him.
This is a great step forward. This is a step you can make to help yourself get emotionally stronger and healthier.
Having the rug pulled out from under you is scary. You had no voice or choice in this. He turned your world upside down and now you get to deal with the new reality.
I bet if you examine the past you will find definite red flags that were ignored. I know I did. Those were also clues to areas in myself I needed to work on.
It is encouraging to see you dealing with reality. Proceed with the lawyers. Find a shark.....since he is used to you bending over backwards for him, he will expect to be able to bully you now. Visit many lawyers...side benefit he can't use them once you see them.
This will get better and the feelings will settle down....it just takes time.
Me not wanting to lose him speaks volumes of my own self esteem and dependency, and less about him.
how i felt too...but this will also pass. there are days when I want to ring his phone off the hook until he answers (we've separated and he's living alone) my mind races wondering where he is. and then I take a step back, distract myself and let the feeling pass. Eventually, you will realize you don't need him. And really you shouldn't NEED to be with him, you should WANT to be with him. I didn't understand the difference until IC pointed it out. I was wondering, if he won't do MC, will you do IC. It may make a world of difference.
Today's been rough day. I can't seem to get out of bed. On a positive note, he said he would go to MC. Still, he vacillated between remorseful husband to cages and frightened animal.
Have any of you decided not to reconcile, but to just divorce? I wonder if the offense is just to much to overcome. In my case, he stopped sleeping with the ow before he found out I was pregnant bc he and the ow were afraid of losing their families and thought they pushed their luck too far. I found out soon after of their "emotional affair" and husband agreed to stop. Then ilI find out I was pregnant. He still kept in contact with her behind my back. It makes me think he loved her or had feelings so strong he did not want to let go. How can I stay with a man who had feelings for someone else while his wife is carrying his child? He said he was only in it for the sex, but if it were, why did he continue to talk to her?? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I don't want to believe it.
He said he will not run circles around me to fix it. I can file for divorce if I like.
He broke it, but won't work to fix it AND you are supposed to be the one to do the work to get a divorce?
ETA: It takes two to reconcile. You don't have that! Neither did I and I've wasted over 5 1/2 years because of it!
[This message edited by alphakitte at 9:30 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]