I think, in his case, he has been used to being able to talk his way out of anything and his comments, like your Wh's comments about doing ANYTHING to make this right, it is just words. Words spoken in the hope it will be enough to have things "the way it was" before we became aware of their betrayals.
In time, you may become aware of more laziness on his part. If you are prone to examining the past you may become aware of who really carried the water in your R, and in your lives.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and your baby, is nurture yourself. Don't struggle and ruminate with him, it will only disturb your personal peace and thwart your understanding.
It will feel very dark, for a while. Know that. There is no getting around moving through the darkness to move into the light. Everytime you make a detour, back into the struggle and darkness, will stall your journey into the light.
An unremorseful spouse can not assist your healing.
[This message edited by alphakitte at 7:08 AM, October 4th (Friday)]
He is NOT remorseful, he is just wanting to maintain the status quo, a truly remorseful spouse does anything and everything they need to to help the BS.
Stay 180, see an attorney, and rely on family and friends for love and support. You also need to get some IC so that you figure out that you will be just fine being independent and on your own.
He said he will not run circles around me to fix it. I can file for divorce if I like.
Oh fuck him! He should be standing on his head shitting nickles while whistling Dixie.
HE did this, HE can either do ALL the work to attempt to repair it, or HE can kick rocks.
Your daughter desperately needs a mother right now. Quit wasting precious energy engaging with that cocksucking motherfucker.
HE put your and your daughter's lives at risk with his behavior. Think about that for a second. If you found him with a gun to her head, how sorry would you feel for him then?
Get mad honey, I mean like go-to-jail mad, throw down in the parking lot of Walmart like white trash mad. It will serve you well.
I don't want my the beliefs I've held my entire life about the way the world should work and how people should treat each other to be shattered.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your beliefs. People should treat each other with decency and respect. The problem with douchebags is they don't share your beliefs. It doesn't matter what he has "said" he believes. What are his actions telling you?
Just breathe - you do not have to make a decision now.
As far as coping, just be patient, it will get easier as time goes by. What I did was force myself to focus. When I would feel really down, start thinking about horrible things, I would force myself to stop it and think about something else. If I was in my living room I would literally stop everying and focus on what was right in front of my face, the couch, the coffee table, etc. Look out the window and really look. See the trees with their leaves off and what a pretty sight they were. I know it all seems overwhelming, but you do have some control/power over your day. Take the control back. I think if you can accomplish "acceptance" you are halfway there. Of course it sucks, things are a mess, but ok, accept they are a mess and focus on what you are going to do to move forward.
We can tell you a million times that it will get better, you will focus at work, you will find peace. But for you, all you feel is misery right now - it's hard to hear those messages and believe them, but try.
I need to take my own advice but here goes..
I hope I don't come off as preaching or rambling..
I am hoping that what you are experiencing with your WH is the worst and last betrayal of this magnitude that you will ever experience for the rest of your life..I have this hope for all of us and myself also...
I have learned that people, even our loved ones, can be counted on to do the unexpected...Some of the things people say and do will be shitty..Once I begin to expect the world to behave a certain way the rug always gets pulled out from under my feet..I have a trusting nature and I will keep my trust in a person unless and until her or she betrays that trust or gives me a reason to be wary..
I guess what I am saying is that it is essential for one to have faith in HIM/HERSELF that he or she will weather any storm in the best way possible..Prayer
counseling, education, skills, hobbies, etc,etc can give us the tools to nurture ourselves thru the worst of experiences..
Most people do want to help other people and be good people..With that being said there are some sick, rotten and broken people out there..At the very least, our WH's are broken..
It is up to us to ask for help when we need it.. We are good at nurturing other people.. It is time we learn to nurture and put a little more focus on ourselves..It is a process and a journey to gather up the strength and the tools, to gain faith in ourselves..This faith is necessary to deal with whatever the world dishes out at us..
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you
I would also be changing the passwords to all of those financial things he gave you.
Did you see the lawyer? If not go now.
I just had my DDAY anniversary, the first one. I was really upset it was when my life fell apart in many ways not just the infidelity.
DDAY two (which is in a couple of days) I made a series of choices to get my life back together (without SI). Now I am looking upon this day with a smile, because I made so many good choices that day, I can say to myself "fuck it, I still did well".
You need to take a day off work and make a series of GOOD CHOICES, you don't need a family member to hold your hand. Infact I would recommend against it because you need to prove to yourself you are independent. It's going to be a hard day (definitely) but I want you in a year's time to look back on that day with pride. For me this dday that's coming up I didn't realise how many choices I made that were good, I just jumped out of bed and did them.
You can jump out of bed and make good choices too. Allocate a day, change the passwords to the financial aspects, book a lawyer's appt, try and kick him out, and whatever else you need to do.
Then do something nice for yourself, I was really broke so I just brought some chocolate. It was pretty fucking good
I was also surprised to read posts from others... They all sound like mine. There is nothing special or unique or better/worse about what my husband did. He betrayed me, pure and simple.
Today he's 200% transparent. It took
God, patience and doing the 180.
There is awesome advice here.
Remember ONE THING. Engrave this in your brain. There is no more taking his word for it. Actions,actions ...actions is what you need to go by.
It doesn't matter if he has an alibi.
If he gets upset because now that he's being honest you doubt him?
He lost that and it will take as long as it takes to get it back. Trust can return but you will never be blind again. There are great people here who understand.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
Focusing on you and your baby are what you need to do right now.
This, from momoftana,
He should be standing on his head shitting nickles while whistling Dixie.
is so true, funny-as-hell, and is going in the quote thread.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
So far, he sounds remorseful but goes back and forth on mc depending on wether or not he is angry. He continues to inflame our conversations by bringing up his paranoid beliefs that I want to tell everyone in the whole world and ruin him.
I'm in individual counseling. I'm not making any movement. Have any of you decided to divorce instead of reconcile? How has it been since?
Now, there are perfectly good reasons for you to limit the number of people that you tell. If you do R, it can make it easier with family and friends. On the other hand, you may need the support of these people. You need to make that call. What your WH needs to do is understand and support your decision, whatever you decide. He needs to understand that your decision is not made to "punish" him, but to promote your healing.
Until he is ready to own his behavior and deal with the consequences and not put any part of this on you, he is not ready to R.
It may also be the fact that he is acting more like the person I thought he was. Still, all in all, I don't feel as intense emotions right now and it's weird given the turmoil I was in just recently. Did you all go through stages where you didn't feel as intense about the affair as before? Of course it is uncomfortable to think about, but it doesn't floor me like it did just a week ago.
Also, how many details about the affair did you all find helpful for your own recovery? Did you need specifics about the affair? Or was knowing that it was a PA all you needed to know. I find myself wanting to know how they made plans and his things from me. I want to know how close they were to one another and what he saw in her. When did you have enough info? How did you know?
: he stopped going back and forth with defensiveness then sorry
: he cried A Lot/ he would go over the story and keep saying " why did I risk losing the best thing in my life?
: he calmly gave me access to all his accounts/passwords, deleted people off FB.
: quit hanging out totally
: quit the gym, where he met her
( this was huge to me because he absolutely loved to work out most of his life!)but he didnt miss the gym anymore and quit working out until now. We workout together now.
:called me through out the day to see how I was feeling. Sent lots of texts during the day, sending quotes..apologizing
: avoids as many triggers as he can for me
: has made me his main priority
: he apologized to my family, his family and friends ALL INDIVIDUALLY. I didn't demand this but he ultimately felt that everyone deserved an apology because he hurt so many people and if he wanted R then he had to so this.
:he started visiting church with me searched and found a men's group at our church that helps him tremendously.
: he has felt the need to talk to people he knows that are having an A and shares his story
: he calls me as soon a he leaves work and we talk until he gets here. If he's running late at work he ALWAYS calls me from work to let me know
The most important thing that he has done this on his own. I feel he understands just how much he destroyed my heart and trust.
But in the first months I to R he acted a lot like your H. Same comments and all. It's like they have a few moments where they feel how fucked up they are and feel guilt...but then switch back to douchebag mode. Either road you choose will be difficult but you will end it in a better place