I have been noticing where i shut down to protect myself. I will not often reach out to make new friends or form new strands of connection that might blossom into a sense of community because of being burned in the past. From infidelity related burns to other shocks and subsequent rejection and disconnection pain that left me with mild but definite PTSD. I happen to have a nice SO so I am cautiously but steadily moving forward with that. He feels safe.
I am going to review where I am in self protection mode when it's not necessary anymore and see if I can open up to new connections with people. Yesterday I reached out to a neighbor and offered to help with her horses so I am going over today.
I don't want to block my growth by shutting down where I don't need to anymore.
Where are you in your balance of growth and protection?
Currently I am just trying to get thru my days minute by minute, I have slowed down on my friendships and I have not been going out socially much.
I feel I am hanging on a precarious thread and just waiting for it to break. This isn't a fun place to be and I am trying to work thru it, but I also realize sometimes I need to cocoon and rest and zone out a bit on life before I can run out and tackle life again. Right now, safety and comfort rule supreme.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Between ex-asshat and XSO, I was in protection mode for years. It's only in the last almost two years that I've finally stopped protecting and started growing. Sometimes protection is a good thing but I don't feel it should be a way of life, which is was for me for more years than I can count.
Thank you for sharing this, IL.
I know there isn't much growing going on right now, but, I also know what triggered this, and don't think it will last too long.
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
I have a family member that does readings, is "sort of" wiccan and she did a reading on me a few weeks ago. I came up with the raven card. Keeper of the laws. We did a cleansing of my families land, and it feels a lot better now. I'm growing, but also protecting me and mine, ya know? Having my elderly, demented mother move in with me has brought home how much I need to protect, and yet grow as well.
My family member said she thought I was really coming "into my own" whatever that means.
We'll see....but I think I'm growing more as a protector. I'm no longer a victim and I don't think I ever will find myself in that role again.
I think by realizing that you NEED to protect yourself and your loved ones is a growth thing. You must count on yourself to do this. No one else. It's part and parcel of being a truly strong person - and my strength has been tested sorely this past year.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
Life is complex with many (oh god I want to say 'shades of grey' but I can't bec of that damn book) variables. It's not black and white. I do find that going back to understanding the actions of out very basic biology can give insight into how the whole of us responds to life.
When I find myself shutting down I am double checking with myself. Am I triggering? Am I really in danger? What is the danger I perceive? Is it really present or a shadow of the past? Is this behavior really serving me now? Is this behavior blocking me somehow? What small action could I take that would break through the automatic shut down response and still keep me safe?
I find little actions create a feeling of more wiggle room in my life and more openings to possibilities.
I did go and work with the neighbor's horses for a couple hours. I was invited over 6 months ago and it took me that long to 'get around to it' because of that shutting down response in me. I enjoyed grooming and lunging 2 beautiful arabian mares. I hadn't done stuff like this in 20 years. I love horses. It took a little push for me to reach out like that and ask if I could come over. It was a good experience and who knows where that connection will lead.
[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:03 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]