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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

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User Topic: Not to step on anyones toes
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It comes down to personality I think. I'm hugely analytical, enough said!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burying it alive isn't healthy and mining for pain isn't healthy.

Justwow...damn, this is brilliant ^^^^

A lot of times when you want to respond to a members post, it help s to have a little background...I put my dates and info so members know my sich when responding to my posts. Also helps when your new so you don't get asked the same questions.
As far as details...some people need them, some don't want them..I need them but didn't get them.
Oh yea..WELCOME

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:27 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to forget and move on and was doing a great job until I picked up the phone and her number was staring me right in the face. Well kinda, it was disguised as his friend PAL. So there is no more forgiving or moving on for me.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it's so people here know how far out I am (not terribly). That way, they can give me appropriate advice, given my relative distance from DDay.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing the details is difficult but for many it is a way to process what has happened. Knowing allows you to move through the devastation and accept what has happened.
Suppressing does not make it go away.

I am curious, How can you accept what you know so little about?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fed such a mountainous pile of shit, that after swallowing all of it i wanted something more useful in understanding what happened.

My wife put me through Hell with the lies. The truth was bad, but the lies were worse, it was the details that reconciled all of that.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's personality related. I am a numbers girl, some days it's a gift others it's a damn curse. I remember numbers, I remember childhood phone numbers, I remember birthday, I remember DD anniversaries. (wish I knew the lotto numbers though). I have an uncanny knack for remember things to do with numbers.

For some people they need to know all the gruesome details, some people prefer to stick their head in the sand and say no more that's it.

Exwh first EA that I am aware of I didn't need to know anymore then I knew already. It just had to end.

Next PA I needed to know every. single. detail. I needed to know the beast I was dealing with, to reconcile I didn't want anything to come back and bite me later on.

The exit affair I needed to know enough to get some sort of closure.

Do I believe I know the truth of everything, HELL NO!

But now 2 years out I don't have that 'need' for information anymore. I just needed to grieve and slowly rebuild my life and help my babies deal with this shitstorm he dumped us all in.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it is in hopes that if it all comes out, and things get better - then some whore doesn't have 'secrets' from me with my husband.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started out not needing any more than the broad strokes. But then more stuff came out into the open, and I suddenly needed to dig more. That process repeated itself until I was scratching for every detail. Every time more lies surfaced, my need to know got deeper. Maybe that's because I started to wonder about absolutely everything.

If WH had just been honest from the beginning, if he'd given me the full truth without trying to protect himself, I wouldn't have felt the need to dig.

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 276 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the info serves 2 purposes.

Posting my own dates helps me avoid denying I was betrayed by my W.

Reading others' dates helps me craft responses when I want to respond. A response that helps at 6 weeks may not help at 6 months or 6 years.

A note of counsel: the quickest, easiest way through this is to face the facts and face your pain as early as possible. I say 'easiest', and it is - but it's still terribly difficult. It's just easier than sweeping the betrayal under the rug, which makes it fester and grow. I say 'quickest' because it is, but it's still going to take longer than you want.

Denial and rug sweeping are a quick way to hell on earth, IMO.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SabbyKat)))

I can see that you're new here and I'm not sure how close to Dday you are but I'm guessing it was fairly recent. Everything is raw for you right now. I get that. I remember those days - where you wish this was just some bad nightmare that you might still wake up from. I'm sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found us.

As for the details, different people handle things differently. I needed to know what was going on because I'd found out that I'd spent years, decades, perhaps my entire married life living a lie. I needed to ground myself in what was real so I could start to deal with it.

I would have loved to have done nothing more than pack all of this shit into a mental box and file it away as history. But I couldn't do that. Every time I tried to pack it away I would discover some new thing, some additional lie, some betrayal I hadn't known about. Then I'd have to drag that mental box down off the shelf and try to find where this new piece fit in the mix. Because there were so many lies over so many years, I didn't know which way was up. I needed the truth, I needed the details so I could identify reality.

I'm not a "date" person. If I had to figure out my own Dday, I could. But I'd have to look up some old calendars and work to find it. But I am a "tell me the truth so I know what I'm facing" person. At least I am now.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1741 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's more to provide perspective for people reading my posts here on SI. It lets them know that I am divorced, how long I've been divorced, how long after DDay I got divorced, that I have kids, etc.

This - but I got tired of looking at it, so I took it out.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the. I forgot and moved on.

It happened again.

This time, I will pick the meat of this monster to the bones. Then it will have less power over me. Either MrH will catch up or he'll be left behind. But we will not sweep it under the rug. All it does there is rot and fester and increase the chances of reoccurrence.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(

Oh MAN, hugs to you. I couldn't deal with that for 4 years. I could barely handle it for the month it went on - I was only a week or so away from walking at that point.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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