I saw my niece born. I was the first person to ever see her face and that changed me. I started wanting to have a child that day.
Due to fertility issues, I gave up trying after about a year and thought I'd never have kids. Four months after THAT, I was at the Dr. for something unrelated and I was complaining about breast tenderness. So, I found out I was about four months pregnant.
I think I surprised everyone, including myself, with my abilities as a mom. I now have a wonderful fourteen year old daughter.
It really IS an individual thing and sometimes we aren't as 'in control' of the decision as we think, as my story illustrates.
We are a work in progress...
Tho I'm fully aware, of your desperate despair, I'm still charmed by the words that you say...Jaron and the Long Road to Love
I was also very lucky when MH and I started getting serious and the subject of kids came up. He didn't want any either. Sealed the deal for me...lol!!!
Anyone can be a mediocre parent...but if I wasn't going to be a great parent, then I wasn't going to have any.
Our nephews and nieces are a joy for us, we love them and are actively involved in their lives. Besides, we just happen to be the coolest Aunt and Uncle around
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
As someone said earlier, some women do not have a maternal instinct, and I'm one of them. I also have some very bad family genetics (a lot of mental and physical issues) that I decided wouldn't be right to pass on to a future generation. I actually decided that the kindest thing I could do for my future children was not to bring them into the world at all, if that makes sense.
I have no regrets.
Now my son has presented me with two adorable granddaughters. Ya can't have GD without having the kids! LOL. And having grandkids is amazing.
[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
As for me I was a newly married college student when I discovered my husband was cheating and shortly after that, that I was pregnant. I had never even thought about children. I was in college and had just left my parents' house! It was the farthest thing from my mind. I would say that I was not maternal and the news that I was pregnant was something of a sucker punch. The divorce that happened while I was pregnant didn't help.
I have to admit that I considered termination and ultimately just left the decision until it was no longer an option. So understand that being pregnant was not something that made me feel joyful and womanly and nesty. My son was born and I didn't immediately feel that whoosh of love and I got very scared that I wasn't capable of being a mother. A few days later I looked down into his face and the whoosh of love came, unexpectedly, and I cried and cried and will be forever grateful for that. I was not maternal, but he tugged at my heart until it was his. I bonded fiercely with my son after that, but never even thought about having another until I met my husband and had another person's beliefs to consider and respect. I honestly believed at the time that it was just my particular son that I loved so fiercely, not "children" in general.
In a way I'm glad I got pregnant unexpectedly the first time. I don't think I would have made that choice, and like you I would probably have been torn at the 50/50 mark, just waiting to see if I tipped either way. It's sometimes a blessing when the decision is taken out of our hands, because at least then our choice is more immediate and clear.
[This message edited by circe at 9:06 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
My oldest was a complete shock. I was only 18 when I had him. Then, I didn't really want him to be an only child, so, about 2 yrs later, we had our next son. Then, I got my tubes tied.
My oldest is almost 10, his brother is 8. I love them very much, and am glad I have them and I even think I've grown into a pretty decent mom. But, I don't think i'd have regretted it if I hadn't had kids. And, even now, there are lots of days I tell myself "ten more years and I get a quiet house again. I can just pack up and move if I want to." And, now that I'm remarried to someone without his own children, I get lots of questions about when we're going to have one. He's the youngest of 6 and quite content not to have any and I don't wan to start over.
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
But I am a FABULOUS Dog mom ... so maybe I would be a good people mom, I just don't want to do it. The dog is enough responsibility. I have to take her to the doctor .. she gets up early and has to go out. She is just like a kid ...
Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.
Please make sure you ask an elderly person or 2 that never had children if they have any regrets.
Having children is NO guarantee that you won't end up alone and neglected in a nursing home somewhere. Trust me on this. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have adult children that are willing to look after their parents when they get to that point.
I am not afraid of being alone in my old age. And I've prepared myself for the future since I know I'm going to have only myself to depend on (that is, if I outlive my husband, and there's no guarantee that I will since he's in better overall health).
I refuse to be made to feel guilty in ANY respect because I've made the choice I have. Not everyone wants kids, or is fit to have kids, or is fit to RAISE kids. And it sure isn't a guarantee that they'll take care of you later in life. Want proof? Look at all of the abandoned, lonely, neglected people in long-term care facilities.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
No one wants to be in that position, you know?
This is why it's so important for everyone to have some kind of long-term care plan, both financial and social. Because you just never know what's going to happen down the line.
No hard feelings, I hope.
I often think about the fact that I could have kids without him, I think that was one of the motivating factors in my A, to see if I could get pregnant. I hate that the choice was made for me. I wanted more, he didn't he decided then not to have any more, but later changed his mind. He was only 20 when he had his vasectomy!
Sorry to rant on, but if you want kids have them, don't let your life pass by and wish you had, you have the power to do it now. I had the power to say no but was lied to. Vasectomies cannot be reversed, and time cannot be reversed.
My two kids are the best things in my life, the look in their eyes when they look at me, and the love I have for them is immense. I have no other experience to compare it to except for the love for my very own mother, or the love I had for my husband in the beginning of our relationship, pre-EA, imagine that, never going away.
Make the best choice for you, if you are not cut out, then don't do it, if you have the desire then go for it.
2002/3 (him) EA
Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!
I have zero regrets. Some people just aren't meant to have children. I think I'm one of them. But, it's a very personal decision. I was never even 50/50.
But when I hit mid-20's, I did decide I wanted kids and it was a strong feeling for me. I'm a very nurturing person (even though I'm very independent) and I wanted a family.
I LOVED being the mom of young children...they are so loving and I never had any trouble dealing with temper tantrums, busy 2 year olds, sibling rivalry, etc.... I found I didn't really miss my motorcycle or going to parties or care-free vacations, and I also learned I had great patience with my kids and found parts of myself that I didn't know existed. However, having children also opened up a vulnerability in me that I didn't know existed either. I'm a pretty strong, brave person but when you have kids, you have a weakness that other people can manipulate. I ended up having my 4th child by a sociopath and he has used her against me her entire 15 years. I am looking forward to her 18th birthday so at least he cannot manipulate through the court system any longer.
You can't go into having children with any preconceived notions, because there are no warranties and no guarantees. It isn't for the faint of heart.
I've seen the term selfish used on this thread. It is NOT selfish to not want children. It is selfish to have children to use for your own purpose. It is mature and courageous to make whatever decision you make and stick by it no matter what other people say....
Having kids because you think there will be someone around to take care of you in old age, or because you want someone to hang with when they get older, or because you want them to have babies so you can be a grandparent, or because you dream of being the parent of the captain of the football team or America's Next Top Model....those are bad reasons to have children because you can't control what a child is going to do when they grow up. They are going to be what they are going to be and you have to accept it.
These are all things to consider....do you have it in you to give up any preconceived notions and selflessly nurture and raise your child and then set them free and hope for the best? Or will you regret never having had that experience?
I am a very mothery nurturing type of person. I have a holistic health practice and I love my clients. I work with mostly adults but also have babies and kids as clients.
Do I regret not having kids? Sure, I know I would have made a great mother, and I think I would have really enjoyed having that kind of relationship.
But it just wasn't meant to be. It just didn't happen. Now and then I feel sad but it passes. You just can't do everything in life.