As a BS, what do try to do as " your part"?
I am still in such shock right now, but am slowly approaching the idea of R. What does this aspect look like for you? What goals or standards are you holding yourself to or working towards? How do you juggle the vulnerability of putting yourself out there for someone who has hurt you so?
Thank you so much for helping me explore this.
At this point, we can begin to work on our biggest issue between us (communication) and work on moving forward. Vulnerability and forgiveness come in time but should not be rushed. Acceptance came before either one of those things, for me.
First, I am not a BS. I was in a committed relationship in which my girlfriend strayed. I am attempting recovery now and I must say I am having a very difficult time with forgiveness.
At first I thought I would be satisfied with an admission of guilt and a request for forgiveness. I got those things but am still obsessing over the betrayal(s), the deceit and duplicity.
I struggle almost everyday with the triggers, the audacity and the ugliness with which I was treated. I am not ready to give up being the victim. My DDay was 7/20/13, so I suspect I'm early in process.
My gf had moved in with me again, but left and we are no longer cohabiting. She was under the impression that I was healed or would be by January of next year (2014). I am not ready as of today to move on and give up my anger or hurting.
So to try to answer your question as to what's my part as a BS: to stop being the vicitm, give up the anger, live in the moment and let the past go as quickly as I can.
Unfortunately for me, easier said than done. I wish you greater success than I'm having.
Here is a list of things that you must do:
Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
Be open with your feelings.
Ask the questions that are important to you.
Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.
All good ideas, but I also agree that in the beginning your job is just to survive. Take care of yourself and just manage as best you can.
Heforgotme, thank you for the article excerpt. I did read through the healing library but it is a lot of info at once. I will look up/ read through that article again.
First off, owning the things in me that i am not happy with and want like to change. I will NEVER EVER blame myself for my WH choice to have an A...and i will never EVER believe that there was anything so wrong with me or our marriage that it justified an A. But i do know there were things about me/our marriage that i was unhappy with. So i am working hard in MC/IC to recognize and change them. Getting strong for ME, recognizing what I need, setting standards for myself and not compromising what i need are huge for me. Examples of those things include being less of a people pleaser and thinking more about my needs. Thinking less about what other people want and going along with things that i dont agree with just to make other people happy. Standing my ground and accepting that it is OK to have my needs met sometimes. Accepting that boundaries i put into place are there for my sense of safety and security...and not allowing anyone to cross them because it might hurt their feelings or make them mad. I guess i am standing up for myself more!!
I am working on my communication skills...not just with WH but with everyone around me, my kids, etc. That has helped me tremendously in my personal healing as well as in R.
How do you juggle the vulnerability of putting yourself out there for someone who has hurt you so?
The million dollar question. I struggle with this daily. it is very difficult. But It has become easier over time. I am not 100% there yet....but...with continued communication, transparency and honesty from my WH, working together, and a true change in my WH, i am making teeny tiny baby steps forward. I think, for me personally, this is one of the most difficult parts of R. After such an epic betrayal, regaining the trust is just damn hard. I know and i accept that it will take lots of time. This wont be fixed in a month or even a year. But i have accepted that it will take time...and i have allowed myself the time to think, feel, process and work thru it at my own pace, at my own speed and in my own way. I will not allow anyone to force me to move faster than i am ready. I will not allow anyone to tell me "its been long enough, move on already".
This is a long journey. I am so sorry for your pain. But you are not alone in your struggles. The most important thing i can offer is to not rugsweep your feelings. Deal with them head on, own them and work thru them. Dont be discouraged when there are bumps in the road....because there will be bumps....but getting strong for YOU will help you over come those.
hugs to you!
Feel your feelings; don't hide or hide from them.
Communicate the good stuff.
Communicate about your issues.
Stand up for yourself.
Monitor your WS to make sure he's meeting requirements for R - and raise issues if he doesn't.
I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)
Since he is completely recommitted to our M and facing some of his pre-A FOO issues I am trying to not dwell on the A, or be fearful that he might do it again.
I am making efforts to not let my emotions get the best of me, but to remind myself of all the work he has done and how he has changed for the better.
I am forcing myself to do new things, whether it is with our children or by myself.
I'm not letting myself give up whenever I get upset.
I speak up and tell him my thought processes rather than get silent or angry, or behave in a PA way.