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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confusion
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a loving 3.5 years (2.5 years long distance relationship) relationship with my boyfriend who introduced me to his family and his friends etc. He was always telling me that if he wasnt serious about me, he would not be in this relationship. Since I've attended his brother's wedding and met all his relatives, i thought he was ready to commit. We were planning a future together already. I've checked his messages before and there was no signs of infidelity. However, during one of the trips we went on together, I saw a mssg a girl sent him, saying that she missed his kiss. I confronted him and he denied everything including getting angry for not trusting him. After that, i left the incident and forgave him.

One day i decided to surprise visit him and found out via his phone that he has been making out with this girl. Initially when I confronted him, he just kept quiet. So i decided to pretend to be him and used his phone and mssg the girl and i found out what they did. After that, he was on his knees, begging me and crying, asking for forgiveness. I was heartbroken. He was a very egoistic person and i never saw him shed a tear. This move touched my heart and i decided to stay on few more days and see how things go. However, later at night, I rebooted his whatsapp and found out that he's also making out with a 2nd girl. Then that was the time he confessed that he had a one night stand with the 1st girl and made out with the2nd girl. I got furious, slapped him and left. Ever since then, we have been arguing on phone and messages. During the first few days after the break up, he was feeling all sorry and remorseful. Then later, he told me he couldnt face me , my family and friends anymore and told me not to contact him. However, i missed him a lot and tend to mssg him whenever i feel upset. He told me honestly that he loves me but how deeply hes in love, hes unsure because if he loves me that deeply, he shouldnt be commiting such a mistake. He did it out of lust though. I decided to forgive him but he said he hasnt been able to forgive himself and now he feels like im harrassing him. He told me he will stop loving me because he knows the love he has for me is drawing me back to him. He told me he's in the wrong, but he's not commited a death sentence so i should lay off harrassing him n reminding him of the whole ordeal. I don't know what to do with him. I know i should move on, but i find it incredibly hard to and i find it hard to trust guys anymore. He wants to stay as friends and see how things go..for now, he's unsure who he is. Should i even let him back ( my heart says yes, my brains is telling me no. ) help?
It's been two months since we broke up. Occasionally i have imaginations of what they have done and I'm really worried that i can't find any other guy which have a criteria as good as his. ( he's a very smart, good looking doctor who can cook charismatic and engage in social work . )

[This message edited by Amber1818 at 11:08 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

( he's a very smart, good looking doctor who can cook charismatic and engage in social work . )

No, with all gentleness, he's an untrustworthy, liar who betrayed you and is now telling you that YOUR pain, which he caused, bugs him, so go away, be quiet, and leave him alone.

You see, he didn't make a mistake. A mistake is when you put on one brown sock and one blue sock in the dark. A mistake is when you forget to put a quarter in the meter and you get a ticket. Those scenarios come under the heading of an oopsie. What he did, was to make a CHOICE, a deliberate DECISION, to kiss and have sex with other women. Please don't ever let him or anyone else downplay the fact that he CHOSE to do this, by calling it a mistake.

Please take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There's a lot of good information in there by people who have walked your path. And come back often for support. We all care and we're here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did admit he was just horny. Sigh, I told him to start from scratch, to be friends again and perhaps something might happen between us again. He said ok to that. However, when i asked him to promise me not to simply make out with people and have one night stands, he told me not to force him and command him. He doesnt want to make a promise to me because he knows what he's doing and friends don't promise such stuff.
i'm really blind huh.. it's so hard to let go when i've planned my entire life with him and loved him so deeply. What if I can't find someone else?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amber1818

You date to find out who the man is.. You now know.

Believe me.. You will find another man. Just try.


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Amber,

I replied to you on Megs' thread but thought I would pop in here too.

The same thing happened with my XBF, at the beginning he said: lets give it a few months and then see how we feel about each other. It gave me false hope and added confusion to the whole situation. Within a few days he had at least 2 dating profiles looking for a relationship... He was just trying to keep me sweet and keeping me dangling, he wanted the control. it is an ego boost to them to have someone ask them for their time - he does not deserve your time.

I think you need to set yourself free darling. I completely understand your fear of not finding anyone else, but you have been really hurt so please give yourself time and do not panic. Things will work out in the end for you, but you need to be happy and content first before worrying about the future. I know it is sooo easy to say, and I thought the exact same thing as you right after my breakup, but it just overwhelmed me.

Think one day at a time. Then one week at a time.

((hugs))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO...cut your losses & run. There are other great men out there that will treat you right & if he can't be faithful as your boyfriend, then I don't know why marriage will stop him.

I wish I had heeded this advice with my 1st husband. It would have saved me 11 years of pain & hell.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like i'm very naive. I thought I could win his heart back by being nice and so he will feel something or some sense of 'humane' in him. I just can't believe the person i loved so much became such a person. By the way, thanks so so much everyone for the advices. This forum has been really comforting !

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amber, you are not naive - you are doing what so many of us have tried to do.

I think you need time and space to see the situation for what it really is.

All of us have felt the same way as you - how can this person I love have turned into such a monster?? It is all still very fresh for you so take it a step at a time and soon you will be able to see him for what he really is.

((hugs))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to your brain. It's smarter than your heart, trust me.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't believe the person i loved so much became such a person.

He was always this person. When you are dating, people present what they want to present. As time goes on, you find out who the person truly is. Now he has shown himself in the true light. Is he still someone you would want to spend a life with, raise children with, count on when things are difficult?

My WS looked like the most wonderful man to everyone, . He was and still does but he is not a wonderful husband. He runs whenever something difficult happens. His last way of running was to have an 18 month affair with an old girlfriend. He escaped with porn many times before that. He cannot connect emotionally in reality. I have lived a very lonely life and our children felt it all. They are young adults and every one of them have self destructive habits. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have married him. He looks good on paper but the inside of him is broken and too blind to see it. You live life with the real deal not the facade presented while someone is on their best dating behavior. If your WBF is on his best behavior imagine what he will be like once he isn't trying to impress you. You can find someone who will be faithful to you. Let this guy loose and allow yourself to meet a truly good guy.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh. seems like its a bad idea to get back to him huh. I myself am not sure if i can ever trust him. But i really love him so deeply that i'm willing to just look past all the mistakes and just wanna get back to him. Cutting him loose and moving on is gonna be the hard. I tried for two months and i've always relapse, always messaging him back. Oh god.. how to move on?? =(

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Amber, are you still around?

Just checking in to see how you are doing


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah.. I'm still around. Thanks for asking and being concerned. I so need that right now. I'm still in a dazed mode, unsure how to move on because of my course, im unable to meet new people at the time being and I'm still very attached to the memories and to him. Occasionally, i still messaged him and talk as friends. I know I shouldnt be doing so.. but that compulsion is there. I feel that i'm such a mess. Also, i have some dark secrets with him. He took videos of us doing it and there 2 years back, his harddisk was stolen ( that time, i was still with him). Im just so afraid that one day the pictures will come back and haunt me when i'm with a new guy. Depressing indeed.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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