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User Topic: This after affair life is just as bad as the pre affair life!
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say I don't obsess, cry and worry over the A anymore! But there is no love, intimacy, caring, togetherness etc......just duties regrets, money problems etc.....nothing good ever happens the only times we talk or are alone together the conversation always ends up about troubles or mistakes that were made!! I feel so.....well truly I've just quit letting myself feel much of anything!! I used to get hopeful that things were getting better but hope has been crushed by the reality of how miserable our lives have been over the past 18 years so many times that I don't think my heart can pull it together anymore!! Life just really sucks and I tell myself things could be worse and I know that!! But all this nothingness just sucks a big one!!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((wanna)))


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 745 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What have you done to change yourselves and your M?

the only times we talk or are alone together the conversation always ends up about troubles or mistakes that were made

That says to me changing your (both of you) communications methods could help a lot. That's one of the things MC does well. Have you considered that?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10055 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is no love,

Do you want to stay in the marriage?
I mean, do you want to try and see if you can get the love back?
I'm in a R that resembles this but I'm planning on D. If you want to try and save the M, maybe mc might help.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5021 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have suggested MC but the it always gets put off on the back burner because there is always something more important that needs to be paid for or done!! Sadly this is very similar to how I've always felt in our marriage!! I'm just losing all feelings for him, our marriage or any direction for the rest of my life!! Just treading water and I'm exhausted


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was living exactly the same life as you are for a very long time. And I am sorry you are in this dark place.

There is a way out. But it is not the dream life you could have once had. And I am sorry about that too.

The LTA happened in our lives. Our spouses cheated on us. The one that stood before friends family and god and swore to be faithful and trustworthy and all the rest of it. They chose to break their vows and destroy what could have been the path our life would follow.

That happened. Its a fact. There is no amount of crying hoping or wishing that will change that.

All that is left to us is to live with it. And while that seems impossibly hard you WILL find the strength to do it. The strength will come from the realization that we are in charge of our own life.

It is unwise to depend on our WS to heal us. It is unwise to depend on our WS to make us happy. Those tasks are ours alone.

If you find yourself before a locked door. One that had been open before but is now closed and forever locked. I suggest you turn and find another door to enter. Standing before that forever locked door wishing and hoping for it to open is long and painful and pointless. I know because I did just that for a very very long time.

Today. Find one thing that pleases YOU. Dont worry about pleasing your WH or anyone else. Find that one thing. Maybe for you it is gardening. Or visiting with a friend. Or taking a walk in the park by yourself. But find that thing. Then tomorrow expand on it.

Every day find a thing that pleases you. Find a thing of beauty and appreciate it.

Dont break your vows to your WS and dont cheat. But beyond that there are countless things in life that can enlarge your mind and experience. Take that path.

Start living your life. Do this whether or not your WS joins you in this journey. Its your life. Make your path and follow it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3479 | Registered: Sep 2007
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just finished a book about this very thing. It had alot of info, but it did discuss this. It mentioned, that BS move from fighting, punishing, belittling to what we think is forgiving. What we are really doing is existing behind walls we have buildt to protect ourselves Because of what happened and incase it happens again. It talked about how to FEEL after forgiving. Great book. Titled: When your lover is a liar by susan forward Another great book that portrays each stage of shock, grief, lies, and why you feel like this. Denial. etc. Very down to earth.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 900 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you find yourself before a locked door. One that had been open before but is now closed and forever locked. I suggest you turn and find another door to enter. Standing before that forever locked door wishing and hoping for it to open is long and painful and pointless. I know because I did just that for a very very long time.

VERY powerful analogy Razor. And so very very true wannarun.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jan 2008
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post Razor. What you said is what saved me from WH's infidelity.

There are many ways out, you just need to find them.

When I took the focus off of my WH and stopped expecting him to heal me, I became so much stronger. I love WH, even more so than pre-A, but he will never be my sole focus again.

I have been living life fully with friends and seeing plays and having get togethers. Live YOUR life! What do YOU want from life?


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew what I wanted from life!! I really have no idea....until all this happened I had no clue that I was just existing, being someone's mother or his wife!! You get slammed with such a hard blow of reality and you crumble!! There was no foundation underneath me. The walls and boundaries sound about right. I just can't seem to feel anything right now and it's getting worse! I used to feel hopeful over good moments but those were followed by so many diss appointments that now nothing gets me excited anymore!! I don't even feel like I care about the affair anymore.....all I know now is the many harsh realities it exposed in my life are proving to be a mountain too big to climb......especially if you're not particularly interested in what may lie on the other side


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wannarun...I get what your saying, I've felt it and still do at times. I had a long discussion with myself. I finally gave up the dream, the vision of how I thought my life would be. I never knew I was so damn hard headed. I had to let go of it and try to salvage myself and really think about my future. I realized, he's not going to be the man he was before or the man I thought he was. Life is so short and before you know it, its half over. I think I was in lala land, just existing because I was raising kids, paying bills, and I didnt realize how far apart we grew, I don't know him anymore and he sure as hell doesn't know me. My stubborn pride wouldn't give up, biut now, I don't call it giving up, I callit choosing a different path. It's not what I thought it was going to be, but that doesn't mean it won't be a fulfilling one. I've never been so lonely as I have in the last 7 yrs so living without him surely can't be unbearable. Spend some time with yourself and really think about what you want. Good luck.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5021 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think SIers call it lethal flatness. Your alive and going with the flow of your family but your numb. I am in and out of this too! Early mornings are hard for me, I get a rush of things negative.In order to cope I have to tell myself that I am here for my kids. Fake it to make it for them until their 18. I can't share any feelings with my WS. He just flatlines on me and I get nothing. WS is a very broken person who is regretful. As long as I keep it together he manages just fine! Mentally draining for me.

When I am in a funk, I allow myself depression time. That time is spent in bed understanding why I feel this way! I talk things out with my IC every other week too. The rest of the time, I stay upbeat, find things to do. Walk the dog, gardening, read SI, easy stuff. The more time passes, the healthier and more aware I have become.

Some Questions for yourself:
Why am I putting up with this?
What can I do to shake off the numbness and make me feel good?
How do I get prospective on my situation today?

Be good to yourself!


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 12

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