[This message edited by Running the Race at 7:44 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
My mantra (pronouns changed):
She is no longer my wife, no longer my love, no longer my best friend.
Repeat until it sticks.
One day you won't care. Until then Fake It Till You Make It.
Read and re-read about the 180 and No Contact.
It is hard at first but NC is essential. Kids/finances only and even then I will only interact if it is absolutely essential.
You simply cannot heal until you begin detaching.
With NC at first you do it almost against your will - everything in you is screaming to reach out and/or unleash hell on them. Sheer willpower got me through that first month. Anger through the next few. A year after S and my give a fuck is definitely broken.
Please, don't stay in this limbo hell too long. It is crazy making.
The sad news is that partying with her friends is exactly what she wants, so her birthday probably won't suck - this year.
When she is older, and is wondering why her kids don't give a shit about her: THAT is when she'll get the birthday she deserves! You, on the other hand, will probably have a hard time on your first birthday without her, but will always have the love and respect of your children.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Take this opportunity to teach your kids to be nice family member/friend on someones birthday. But YOUR obligation to your X is over. Done. Kaput.
Don't do it. If partying with her friends is her priority, then she can be happy with birthday wishes from them. She fired you from the job of remembering special days together.
Her complaining is her way of keeping you engaged. don't listen to that anymore either. Focus on your children and yourself and detach as best you can.
I don't know how you guys with children do it. It is hard. So hard. But to have kids involved and to have to co parent.......I admire your strength.
He doesn't have the kids make cards for me.
I doubt he will acknowledge mine either and I don't care.
If you however feel the need and worry if she will be "mad" then I would say you still have alot of work to do to really detach from this person. JMO.
The old saw 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all' is a good rule here. Because you have children, you must, from time to time, be in contact. So, do whatever is necessary for the good of your kids and not anything else.
Remain both civil but detached from her, as you would a business or professional relationship.
Early in my separation, I sent my ex holiday cards, messages and even a Christmas gift. It was a complete waste of time and emotion.
Give her the gift of missing you.
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I received a "happy birthday" text from XWH while I was at work, and we were all like AYFKM?