It seems my experience is not so unique after all. While it's no comfort to consider that so many others have experienced similar things - it is still a relief, admittedly for me, on some level to know I'm not alone on this island of insanity.
But now I can look at those same cards and sentiments and just feel sad at the tragedy and waste of it all. What unhappy people they must be, and what emotional gymnastics they must have to run themselves through to create and sustain this fiction.
I have had these very same thoughts. I have tried to imagine the exhaustion that lying and compartmentalizing, day in and day out, must cause. How COULD anyone be happy when this was how they spent the bulk of their energy?
And this is just one of the many reasons I knew I had to divorce. I always thought we were so alike. And we were. But ultimately not in the most important of all ways.
Abbondad - you are absolutely right. I thought WH and I were so alike, so perfect for each other ... in fact, I often said just that - "you're not perfect, neither am I, but we're perfect together". I think the reality is that our WSs were playing the role of someone perfect for us - which, turns out, is actually rather disparate from who they truly are. I am sure on some level each of our WSs wanted to be that person they played, and maybe wanted to feel the things they told us over and over that they felt.
So, maybe that is a source of comfort in a way. Yes, they gave us fiction, and that fiction hurts. But, my experience still constituted love. I'm sure yours did as well - how could it not, with the loving people that we all are? Now, our WSs? I don't even know how to classify what their experience must have been, other than pathological and sad. But at least we didn't live in that world - and we also have the free choice to not live in it for the future, either.
I am not going to allow this experience to define me. I continue to experience love every day - and I know my life will be full of it. My family, my friends, my dogs, and my hope for the future.
[This message edited by erzulie at 10:00 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.
One time I searched his phone when I was just suspecting a certain OW at that time and I heard the ringtone he had for her....stupid as this sounds a few days later we were out doing errands and he wanted to hold my hand and looked at me with all love and joy in his eyes and wanted me to hear the new ringtone he had for me.
It was the same ringtone for the OW only he did not know that I knew. It was so weird to me that he thought that was so cool and I only saw how really bad this whole thing was.
So in my sitch my WS was fulfilled on both fronts during his A and he would almost use the same love bombing with both of us. It was like in hyper drive and it would cross over in his mind.
He told me he had never been in love before until he met her and that I should be happy for him that he now knows that he is capable of love.
I bet his ex wife also has the same love bomb letters from him.
He is the most unoriginal person in the world and it would just kill him if he knew that people think of him this way. He thinks he's unique.
erzulie, the more you read on here the more you realize it's like hearing your own story over and over and over again.
There are variations but they all basically follow the same script.
I had a similar pile of cards from XWH. Every birthday, Valentines, anniversary, just because etc. All were loaded with the same heartfelt sentiment, both by the printed words on the cards he chose, and the personal things he would write inside. His cards always made me cry with the joy and love they made me feel. Always.
While I was going through our joint paperwork, files etc and packing up what needed to go with him, I got an empty file folder and labeled it "LIES YOU TOLD". I put all the cards in it. Every single one. And packed it with the rest of his stuff.
I doubt it gave him so much as a moment's pause when he found it, but I don't care. Maybe OW found it, since he moved in directly with her and I'm sure she helped him unpack. I don't care about that either. To me those cards became nothing more than toxic lies, poison I knew I would torture myself with, like you are doing. I wanted it gone, along with him. I have never regretted this or wished I had the cards back.
Please don't let his words from your past tear down your present.
Hugs. I know how bad it hurts.
[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 12:37 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
"You've always had the power, my dear.You just had to learn it for yourself." Glinda, Wizard of Oz
So, as far as the affair and this "fog" goes (as we so call it), I truly believe it is an escape to run away from her problems/her true feelings, etc etc. to gain some sort of "Happiness". Like a long vacation. She is lost and well, I wish her the best, but she'll need to deal with her "self" eventually. Cuz once this knew novelty wears off, I just KNOW she's gonna re-visit those same demons.
So, my point is, it is/was not your fault, EVER. It is within each person's head, and to me, they do not know how to be happy, and carry around so much bad in their brains, that of course they will blame/leave, etc the one's closest to them!
[This message edited by jackfish at 12:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
I'm so sorry to see your update from the past few weeks. And... there is nothing that I can tell you that you don't already know... even if you don't know that you know it. All I can tell you is to trust in yourself and to keep faith in yourself.
Your marriage was something that you believed in. It was something that you fought for. To you, your marriage was what you put into it. That makes your marriage as real as your love, your generosity, and your devotion. Whatever your WH did to screw that up has no bearing on what you put into it. It has no bearing on what you chose to believe in. You believed in something... and you let that belief be real enough to you to impact your life and who you are for the better. That makes it pretty damned important. And nobody can take that away from you.
Trust yourself. You're gonna be okay.
[This message edited by SerJR at 8:18 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
When I look back at who XWH dated before me, I am not his "type." The two women he dated before me were very petite in every way. They looked like you could break them. The Owife is also just like his previous GFs physically.
I'm the exact opposite: taller than average, bigger bust, about as far from "dainty" as you could imagine (not heavy but not a twig). So, what was that all about? Was I some sort of phase or walk on the wild side for him? If so, why hang around for 17 years when he knew that wasn't what he really wanted?
The other thing they had in common, though, may be the deciding factor-- they are/were messed up people. They had serious FOO issues, some mental health problems, etc. Maybe that's what appeals to him-- he likes being a KISA and feeling strong when a girl leans on him. That was never me, and I was probably too independent for him. But again-- why? Why bother with me? Why stick around so long?
I don't know what the hell they want or what they meant or if they ever meant anything sincerely. What I do know is that they are good at putting on masks to get through their lives until they can find someone to take the mask off for-- someone who will accept their depravities.
But, don't spend too much time trying to figure it out. We can't figure out people who behave in ways that are so foreign to our moral codes. We'll never get a real answer to our why.
"To my Darling AussieMum, I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful, caring and loving wife. Looking forward to the next ten together with you and our family, love always JerkFace xxxx"
5 months later he got himself a girlfriend and told me he'd been unhappy for 'years' and I was a 'devious, controlling bitch'
He's the ultimate pretender.