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User Topic: Wh's please
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i thought we wete getting to R. But, I saw a text come across his phone and I looked and saw it was the exow. he has been chatting with her again.

Now we are back at sqaure one however, this time he says he lost all trust in me because I lied and went through his phone.

Was I wrong for that? When I asked him 2 nights before if he was talking to any females? And he said no.

Why can he not get that he was wrong and he knew what I would do if I found out.

We will not R at this time but I need help what to say next time he brings that up because I am so fustrated with him right now.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you even talking with him? He twists things around, gaslights and blameshifts like it is an Olympic sport.

Just. Stop.

No, of course you were not wrong to go through his phone - HE IS CHEATING ON YOU STILL.

Sweety, it is time to go no contact and protect yourself. How many times you gonna let him jerk you around like this?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm....u should have access to his email, phone, anything u want whenever u want!!! Complete transparency forever!!! Or get the hell out!!! I will look through my husbands everything all the time! If he ever got mad that would be like alarms going off!!!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to know if any other wh's think like this and why.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am the only one who has a mental muffin and just can't grasp that broken contact is a NO NO and Im not the one that should not be trusted.

Gaaaaahhhh.... to hell with it.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Faithful)))

My WH says I treat him like he is an eight yr old. I need to adjust that because he actually acts two some days. No, you are not alone. Deep slow breaths!!!


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
messedup96
♀ Member
Member # 35936
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with sad545 you should have every right my WS if he gets to blame shifting I tell him don't turn this around on me you put us here


BS me 36
Dirtbag 36
1st A DD July 20th 1996 OW also married
2nd A DD Oct 19th 2002
3rd A DD July 17th 2012
2nd and 3rd With same psycho serial married men cheater gutter fish troll
Married 16 thisnov
Together 17 this dec
Friends 24next marc

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: IL
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a WH but the only reasons he's acting like this are:

1: You not having access to his stuff gives him a position of greater power in the relationship.

2: You not having access to his stuff allows him to continue cheating on you.

3: The fact that you're even questioning whether or not this is acceptable (it isn't) and are trying to understand his lack of transparency and how he could feel that it's acceptable means that he's winning the two games above.

You did nothing wrong by going through his phone. I would tell him to direct any further complaints he might have to your attorney.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no great fan of a late President that shall remain nameless (seriously mods?). But when he was dealing with the Russians, he said that the US would 'trust but verify'.

The reason is simple. If you cannot verify, there is nothing to trust.

You caught him AGAIN. So all his words are without meaning.

You are not the bad guy here. Your wayward is. Do not accept his guilt sandwich. He made it, he eats it.

[This message edited by Merlin at 3:36 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like this when I was still lying.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my husband that in order for reconciliation certain things had to happen. Transparency was at the top of the list.

It is *NOT* snooping. You should have access to anything and everything. He should be an open book. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He's angry because he got caught...again, so he is deflecting and blame shifting.

Repeat...you did nothing wrong.

He is continuing wayward behavior. Is this how you want to live?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should willingly give you full access to his phone, especially after having already betrayed you.

I'm a former WH...now divorced.

He's acting this way because he got caught red-handed and he's now being defensive. He's trying to make you feel guilty for spying on him. It's not spying. It's gaining access to information you have every right to see.

You're not in R. Sorry. I hope he wakes up before its too late.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced and still trying to figure out why I was so crazy for so long. I do know this however: lies and deception lead to unhappiness.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Oct 2011
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a WH, but as someone on SI said and hit the nail, privacy in a marriage is for your bathroom visits. Once you committ to one another every thing else is open to each other. That includes phones, email accounts, computers, and all other communication unless he is in a high level of secret goverment clearance. But even then, personal is still open.

If you are not able to committ to that level of intimacy, do not get married. If you are already married and all of a sudden you need secrecy and privacy from your spouse, you better look at what you are doing. Big alarms and bells should be going off in your head.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1405 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(seriously mods?).
Yes, seriously Merlin.

We have guidelines for a reason and they are quite clear. If you have a problem with them, PM a moderator (instead of ignoring the one I sent you), or find another place to post for support.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36709 | Registered: Sep 2007
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you wanted WS's, but here I am anyway with my 2 cents.


((Faithful)), clearly he hasn't or won't stop until you make him stop.
WTF! He's lost trust in you! He is kidding right!! Unfortunately, he wasn't.

For you:
That means not wavering from a line in the sand.
And that means, that you are willing to give up the marriage if he refuses.

You registered Aug, 2011, two years ago. And here you are still, with un-remorseful, dishonest WH.

You are faithful, but he is not. How long are you going to live this way?
You know we will support and stand by you for anything you decide to do. Please go find the life you deserve. And you do deserve it.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help what to say next time he brings that up....

How about, 'The best defense is not a good offense. A good offense is just offensive. End of conversation.'


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lord how I wish I had the hours back that I spent arguing with nonsense. If he wants to blame you for finding his sins, step away from the madness. Do not engage. He knows he's feeding you bullshit.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 58
Married 34 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 624 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, he DOES get it. He's not an idiot. He knows. Bottom line? He doesn't care. He keeps showing you that he doesn't care and that he's going to continue to do whatever he wants.

You can't R all by yourself.
(((((FwL)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is the like button?????????????? Really!!! Cause this needs to be "liked" a million and one times!


I felt like this when I was still lying.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is your answer exactly from a WS mouth. End of story. He is still lying now you need to figure out what you're going to do about it?

ETA: my WS does this to me all the time. I think it's more cruel then the actual cheating.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 7:14 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my WH was still lying to me he would say the same thing..." I don't trust you because you go through my stuff" or " its bullshit that you check up on me and follow me on my phone". He kept turning off the find my phone. Once the lies stopped, and the A was truly over, suddenly he has no problem handing me his phone or tossing it to me to see who just texted. He also turned on the find my phone app all by himself with no prompting.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but....Defensiveness and getting angry at you is his way of projecting his wrongs and his guilt onto you. It's like the whole "if you weren't such an awful wife I wouldn't have to cheat on you".

(((Hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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