As I previously mentioned, our 1st child is due very soon. Since I have been pregnant, he has only attended 1 appt (work obligations), has bought absolutely nothing for him or asked me what he needs, forgets half the time what MONTH I'm due in nevertheless the date, and he refused to discuss picking a name even though he told me I promised him he would get to chose...he didn't see the point in doing it beforehand. Right after I left he made a new bank account and has had all incoming paychecks routed directly to him (I'm not currently working because we just moved to a new state due to the military) yet he has continued to spend from our joint account, meaning I have no access to incoming funds. Luckily I managed to squirrel away some money right after leaving because he has tried to remove me from the account before when he got angry (he has issues with control/emotional abuse). I've been living off that money and haven't touched our joint account, yet he keeps trying to tell me somehow we're struggling financially when he's had access to over $6000 in the past month just for him and our bills (some of which don't even exist anymore because he cancelled them, and even then they weren't even a 3rd of that amount). Today he keeps telling me that I'm keeping him from having any involvement in our child's life, yet he has not once taken the initiative to do anything for him on his own because he's "too busy".
He says he's still seeing a therapist which I appreciate but I'm really growing weary of this whole attitude he seems to have that he's the only one suffering. I have not asked him for anything since I left, though I do intend to send him something formal in writing shortly so there can be no argument about what I'm requesting and why. I'm still trying to come to terms with not only acknowledging the fact that I had to tell my family that my husband has cheated on me multiple times over the years, but that I like an idiot am now having his child. I have to live with knowing there is someone inside of me that is going to be depending on me at the end of the day, and because dad's not around it's all MY responsibility. I have to live with the hurt of not knowing whether or not I have a home or a marriage to return to, whether or not I'll ever sleep in my bed or see my dogs again, and yet somehow in his eyes I'm the selfish one that has nothing to worry about. Leaving him was not an easy decision, and yes I feel a lot of guilt for leaving all the things I was responsible for in his lap but now he's finally beginning to realize that maybe life WAS better when I was around. I'm not trying to play the victim here because clearly I didn't have well-established boundaries and that's why he thought it was okay to do what he did but I am so tired of having everything thrown back in my face like I'm here on vacation or something while he's slaving away being miserable. So my question is: should I just go to NC at this point? Is this my sign that maybe I need to do a 180 and just forget about him? I've been trying to keep contact between us minimal but at the same time feel like it's somewhat counterproductive to trying to fix things if I continue to ignore him. I could really use some advice right now...thanks in advance.
[This message edited by mellie99 at 3:54 PM, September 30th (Monday)]
I was married to a man who sounds just like your husband. (first marriage). Please do not go back until you "see" the positive change in him from LOTS OF THERAPY!
He is still attempting to control you and your moves. Do not let him do this. I can tell you first hand, that from verbal, emotional abuse, comes physical abuse. He has to fix this.
Now, very smart putting some money away. However, time to protect yourself and precious baby, right away. I would see an attorney, if only just to find out what your rights are. And, take that joint account, at least for a while. He's beginning to cut you off financially, and I fear, he may have already done something with that.
You can give it back or split it when the attorney tells you what is legal for you to do. Just don't wait for it to be gone.
Just because you talk with an attorney does not mean you are filing for a divorce. Just wanted to clarify.
I don't know the facts about his A, but doesn't sound like he's done much about fixing that either.
Selfish, entitled, controlling and most certainly more important than you and the baby….. Is that hitting a nerve? WTF, his pregnant wife can move out and be cut off financially because you're inconsiderate? Seriously?! Did he trip and fall into that vagina?
Insert your foot up his ass, perhaps that will loosen his head in there. This is not a game, this is your life and the life of your baby.
Couples can survive from this, but both have to work at it, and he betrayed your marriage, you didn't.
He doesn't get a pity party, he brought this on himself and he needs a huge reality check.
Ask him if he loves and wants to stay married to you? And how he plans to help fix the problems in your marriage.
Go from there.
Sorry if a rant, just pisses me off!!
I really hope you can work this out, but be strong, and take care of YOU!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
As far as whether he's trying, it honestly doesn't sound like he's trying hard enough. R is extremely difficult and takes YEARS and it sounds like, at a minimum, he's being very insensitive to those facts.
I'm glad you have family to turn to for support and agree that it's time to speak with a lawyer. Some stuff he said to you sounds like he has something in the works (as in, what if he's moving funds around on someone's advice? That's serious business he's up to there) and you need to protect yourself and your child.
In the case that he is serious about r, watch what he does (from a safe distance) for quite some time before you commit to anything. I will be thinking of you and wishing you and your baby the best.
Eta: hit send way too soon, sorry
[This message edited by thisissogross at 8:42 PM, September 30th (Monday)]
i edit frequently because i have to
[This message edited by mellie99 at 8:27 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
If you can get into IC it can help. It is important you do no start to believe this is because of you or all the things he is accusing you of. In no way is taking all of the money away from your wife and child and not knowing the due date even acceptable. Men who are oversees on duty watch the birth of their children on a computer becuase they are good husbands/fathers. They are present even though they are busy and away.
Keep reminding yourself that your expectations are not to high, you are trying and he must show you he has changed, you do not have to accept the crap sandwich he is trying to get you to eat. You deserve better and now, so does your baby. I hope he takes your contacting an attorney and taking care of yourself and the baby seriously and shapes up before he loses it all. Because men that are "too busy" tend to stay that way and never have good relationships with their kids. (((mellie99)))