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User Topic: Huge revelation!!!
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So one of the reasons Ws finally gave for his sexting was because I was not talking to him enough while he was at work. This man needs so much attention it's ridiculous. He's a mobile home salesman so he has a lot of down time and I guess expects me to just sit around talking to him all day. Problem is we have a home to take care of and a 15 mo and 1 mo old. I can not just sit around all day. When dday happened he claims he was bored and I wouldn't talk to him. Complete BS because I was talking to him at the exact same time OW was but whatever.

Today I felt better than I have in a LONG time, pretty much since it happened. I even felt like cleaning and I've kept myself busy nearly all day. I have to work tomorrow and WS messaged asking what I would be doing with the boys. I told him my sister would be watching them. I then let him know I spoke to my work to let them know what time I would be coming in. He suddenly got short on replies. Our oldest son was whining so I let him know I was going to give him a bath. He replied "why are you going to do that? don't you usually do that later in the evening? that makes no sense". Ugh I HATE when he does that. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am not. It also makes me feel like I owe him so sort of explanation when I don't. So I let him know how it made me feel (something I am currently working on doing, expressing my feelings). He immediately called asking why I was being like that. So again I explained. Edit to add: He ended up being upset because I was too busy to talk. I just realized I left that part out. He shows it by getting short and making comments such as above.

I realized him doing that sort of thing, questioning what I am doing and getting upset because I am not constantly sitting around talking to him, is a trigger. I feel like if I don't "entertain" him enough then he is going to go off and find someone who does again. It's also part of my co-dependency. In the past I have put things off or worried if I didn't talk to him enough he would get upset. I finally spoke up and told him how I felt instead of worrying he would get upset.

Honestly, if he does go off and find someone else to do it then fine, that's on him. I'm sick of catering to him and feeling guilty when I don't.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 6:00 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written the same post. In fact my WH told me similar and when I asked for the same treatment whore got he said I never wanted it before

I feel the same as you if my WH feels like he needs that much validation then I'm locking the door behind him when he finds it elsewhere.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyblindsighted-I honestly feel it's an addiction, much like a sex addiction only they crave validation as their fix.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. It seems that the validation is a major reason for A's. That is something they need to come to terms with and not the BS. I know my WH#2 thinks that our marriage should be like it was when we first started dating. All lovey dovey and and showing him attention all the time. I told him no long term relationship is that way and if that is what he wants he will be looking for a new relationship every few years when the new wore off and real life stepped in. I try to vaildate him in some way everyday and let him know when I appreciate something he has done, but I can't sit around and text him all day and talk dirty on the phone or any of the other things she did to stroke his ego. I let him know that what he wants is a fantasy and I live in reality. If he wants a fantasy then not to let the door hit him in the ass as he left and I would see how that worked out for him in the long run. He knows that now and hopefully he won't stray again, but there is no guarentee other than if he does we won't be together. That he has my guarantee on.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone-I told my WS the same thing. If it happens again I am gone. I noticed I started trying to entertain him more to keep him from straying....then I thought I don't have time for this crap! It's not my job to entertain him. I try to validate him in many ways but if it's not enough then oh well. Really he needs to get IC and learn to love himself. That's the true issue. No one can give him the attention he needs, he will forever search for it until he realizes it comes from within. I am working on my own issues and I told him he needs to work on his own.

After I stood up yesterday and told him I didn't like when he did that and how it made me feel he got very depressed. He told me he was afraid I was going to leave him when I finish school and he wishes I was the old me again. The old me catered to him constantly. The old me put aside her own needs and wants to make him feel important. The old me was a shell of a soul because I gave until I couldn't give anymore. It was never enough. So yeah the old me is gone and in ways I am starting to see his "mistake" as a blessing. My eyes are WIDE open now.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX told me he thought I ought to thank him each day for every single thing he did. I clarified what he meant. He precisely meant that if he paid the bills I was to thank him for each bill. If he took out the trash I was to thank him for taking out the trash. I was to be thankful for each day he came home from work. Every minute thing he did was to be noticed & immediately thanked.

I thought he was joking because I'm normally a "please & thank you" kind of person, anyway. But he was serious. I was actually supposed to be aware of his every move & action, constantly looking for opportunities to thank him. If he told me that the meal I cooked was tasty and I thanked him (which is just good manners), but I didn't thank him in such a way that he felt properly thanked, then he'd be insulted and sure to not comment on any food I prepared for the next however many days/weeks until he thought I'd learned my lesson in gratitude.

It didn't go both ways, though. He did not thank me for each load of laundry I washed. Ever. Did not thank me for the individual stains or skid marks I got out of his underwear. Did not ever once thank me for supporting him during his many bouts of unemployment. Didn't thank me for breastfeeding & saving us thousands of dollars. Didn't thank me for homeschooling the kids. Didn't thank me for anything related to the kids. Nada. I thought that was okay, though, because I was trying to be a good wife.

Now I know that the inequality of this "I must appreciate him" equation was yet another red flag that I was married to a toxic NPD.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8751 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our oldest son was whining so I let him know I was going to give him a bath. He replied "why are you going to do that? don't you usually do that later in the evening? that makes no sense". Ugh I HATE when he does that. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am not. It also makes me feel like I owe him so sort of explanation when I don't. So I let him know how it made me feel (something I am currently working on doing, expressing my feelings). He immediately called asking why I was being like that. So again I explained.

^^This is also him being controlling! Xpos did this to me all.the.time. If I was cleaning, vacuuming, running hot water, MANY things, he would ask WHY I was doing this NOW, WHY I was doing this THAT WAY, WHY I was doing it THERE, MANY other questions that I had to answer to satisfy him. It got to the point that I only did things when he was NOT around, so he then started complaining to me and saying to others that I NEVER did those things! If HE didn't SEE it, it couldn't have been done! I really began to see this as controlling (but still didn't realize in my mind that it was that) and tired of explaining EVERYthing to him. Too late, tho. If I had sought IC while we were still together, I'm sure I would have been encouraged to do things differently, respond differently, or leave. Oh, how I wish I had defied him and gotten IC!!!!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1964 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same issue here. Honestly it's something I still struggle with and we are technically separated!!

I work full time and I need the time in my day to work. We have different days off so when he's off, he would love to be in constant communication. But I have a J O B and need to work. Because he has more downtime in his work day than I do in mine, I don't think he gets it.

Which is why he spent hours upon hours talking to the OW. He absolutely needs interaction to feel
Validated, IMO.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 362 | Registered: Dec 2012
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thebighurt-Oh I absolutely know he is being controlling when he does this. Really I always have! I just ignored it because "I loved him". Nope, not doing it anymore. I used to think if I did all those things and made him happy then something like this wouldn't happen. I gave up so much for him! My friends, my family, my job, and I put going back to school off. NOT ANY MORE! My focus is now ME!

NatureGrl-My Ws is not that extreme but I do hear "I don't even get a thank you?" "You didn't even notice that I did ____" "I thought it would be nice that I did ____ but you act like you don't even care" quite often!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was similar. He would call me on his cell during his morning commute (over 1 hr) and on the way home at night would tell me that he was going to fall asleep on the road if I didn't talk to him. He'd also call with some kind of work question or comment a few times during the day.

Me, I HATE talking on the phone. While I was on bedrest with out daughter or when I thought he would DIE if I didn't talk to him I would stay on the phone for hours while he talked at me.

I had the brilliant idea to move closer to his work so he wouldn't die on the road and then I went back to work full-time. Guess what? He found some total loser who would talk to him ten times a day. He needed that constant validation and had some kind of addiction to talking on the phone all the time.

He's not like that anymore though. After DDay he woke up to a lot of things, and one of those things was that it was the need to feed his ego that made him feel like he had to have someone listening to him all the time.

I wonder if your WH is the same or if his is more a jealously/controlling thing?


Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rightrack- I think it's both. In the beginning of our relationship he texted and called constantly. I think one month there were over 4000 texts! He used to throw fits of i didnt talk to him the entire time i was on break at work too. I'm like you, I don't like talking on the phone and I also don't like the constant need for interaction because it interferes with other things. I think in his mind if I'm not in contact then I'm doing something wrong, like cheating. I used to think it was because his ex cheated on him that way so he was paranoid but now I think it's because his mind works that way and assumes I am the same. They always say the accuser is generally the cheater. I only know of two times he's cheated in that way. I've tried to pry more instances out but he stands firm that was all. I don't know. I do know he has recognized this behavior and is willing to fix it. I look back on my life and realize just how much I have up so I had no friends and became dependent on him. I think it comforted him I was this way so I wouldn't be tempted to leave. I've made it clear I'm going to reverse the damages and he can come along for the ride or not. His choice but I will no longer be controlled and live my life for him. I no longer want the same from him either. I want us to grow as individuals and then we can grow as a couple. So far he seems totally on board although he does display a fear that one day I will just wake up and leave. The only reasons I will is if he refuses change, continues to hold me back, or cheats again.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post has made me think even more about my relationship.

I have to wonder if both my WBF and I talk throughout the day (so much) because we both worry (to a point) that if we aren't available to the other, maybe the other will get upset and find someone else. This is warped, but it is a trained reaction to being cheated on.

I've expressed this to my WBF, and told him I don't like this stress. I want to know that if I can't answer the phone, or respond to his text, that he won't go off and cheat again. I want my peace back! Yet, even with his reassurance, I don't feel it. There have been times where he couldn't reach me, and I've had to deal with his mistrust and anger. It's total crap. I never cheated on him, but we all know that a cheater usually projects his actions onto his partner.

I almost feel like I've been trained... how full of shit is that?!!!

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a reason why many end up cheating, and it's good that you realize it's all on him. It's also positive that he recognizes that he wasn't getting enough attention for his reason. NOW HERE'S THE TRICK, THE PART THAT MAKES THEM HEAL.

HE HAS to understand why he feels he needs the constant attention. HE NEEDs to figure out why as a grown ass man it's your job to entertain him, or validate him. That is stuff he should be doing for himself. Your own happiness is dependent upon you and you alone. If you aren't that way now, figure out why, and fix it.

You have the WHY, now he has to get the FIX. That's when things change, and relationships heal.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6558 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ Exactly what Tushnurse said^^^


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone-I told my WS the same thing. If it happens again I am gone. I noticed I started trying to entertain him more to keep him from straying....then I thought I don't have time for this crap! It's not my job to entertain him. I try to validate him in many ways but if it's not enough then oh well.

It's a THANKLESS job, bending yourself into a pretzel to constantly try to appease and fulfill someone who thinks they deserve to have it all - at the emotional cost of everyone else.

So been there. So done that.

THANKLESS.

I especially like how Mr. Selfish thought nothing of having you put off your son's bath until the evening so you could stay glued to your cell or computer entertaining him. Guess he never thought that maybe tonight YOU'D like to relax like he does every night, instead of spending your evening bathing your son and everything else you have to do to run the household.

No, it's the all about HIM show.

Too bad he couldn't actually be productive during all his 'down time' - like doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, food shopping and everything else YOU have to do on a daily basis.

Stop bending yourself in half trying to please him. All that does is satisfy HIS needs and make you have to work twice as hard at night making up for lost time for stuff you couldn't get done during the day. I doubt very highly he comes home and does 50% of the work you didn't get to do because you were too busy appeasing him for 8 hours during the day. Screw that. If he's not adult enough to find something more productive to entertain himself with at work that DOESN'T include cheating and sexting and all that bullshit, then that's on him, NOT you.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trulysad-We have been trained in a sense! My WS was always very subtle in his goal to control me. He has never came out and said "you can not do this" or "you must talk to me all day" but he used guilt trips or would be okay if I went somewhere only to give me the silent treatment or withhold affection when I came home. In the beginning I knew it didn't feel right but little by little I would change MY behavior in an attempt to avoid his. So instead of dealing with his reaction when I went out with friends, I stopped going out with friends. Instead of hearing the accusations or snide remarks like the "why are you doing it now? makes no sense!" I would stay glued to the computer talking to him or make up excuses. I have even found myself LYING to him about things I am doing when it isn't even wrong. Say I got lost in a show on tv or I was browsing the web or on here for instance, when he would ask why I haven't been talking I would tell him one of the boys needed me. Why? Because I knew it would be more excusable if I was tending to one of the kids rather than doing something for ME. Sad! Very sad!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NeverAgain- Exactly! No he wouldn't help. Those things were still on me. When he comes home he expects me to give him undivided attention as well. The whole thing is so stressful and so exhausting! I put up with it before I guess thinking if I made him happy he wouldn't abandon or betray me (my co-dependency) and the end I was betrayed.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 17

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