BS here. I feel for you because you remind me of my WS. He did not want to go. I gave our reconciliation 3 years post dday, when his changes were not helping me heal, in fact, he was hurting me more and the fights were too much, I asked him to leave. I had a hard time feeling intimate with him post dday, and I wasn't sure that was ever coming back. He begged and pleaded to stay. But I was firm on the fact that I needed to fine what the hell I needed as a woman, not a wife, mother, etc. I was so broken down, I needed to feel like I could trust myself, take care of myself, not rely on him since that always seemed to end in destruction (he lost all our money, our house, our business). I very badly wanted him out so I could breathe, and to find me again, someone I lost in all his shit.
It has been 5 months. I have gone on dates (which kills him). I have a job and I am keeping the house together. At first, I was great. Freedom was wonderful. In the last month or so, he has changed. He 180ed on me. He does a lot for himself. He cleaned up a lot of the stuff I always complained about (like getting his credit cleaned up, having savings, paying bills on time). He has been exceptional with out kids, beyond what I thought he was ever capable of...Frankly, I am impressed. Now, I find myself missing him, only because he is so pleasant to be around (which was not the case for 20 years). But I am not rushing back. I quietly let him know I appreciate and feel grateful for him. I send small text messages to let him know the way he is now truly fills me with love. As I said, I am not in a rush to get back. I'd like to see this behavior last for a while.
in the meantime, I try to focus on myself and my kids. Listen, it's not easy. Would I like him back? yes! Am I going to do that prematurely? NO.
If he moves on, then it was not meant to be. If he is there when we are both healthy, happy and secure as individuals, ready to commit in a way we never did, then, yes, I would give him the chance he did not deserve before, because he did the work and proved himself to me.
Hope that helps. BTW I would consider getting back even if I served him papers (which I haven't yet).
I can hear your pain. I always tell my WS the best thing to do when you are in hell is to keep walking... ME 44
DS-10 and DD-11
Married 10 yrs, together 18
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was