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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 1 yr anniversary
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was 1 month being separated from my BS. I have never lived alone for more than 2 weeks in my life so this has been an experience. I've taken the advice of many people and have worked on me. Continuing my therapy going on 12 months every week. Taking my meds every day. Being consistent in my 180 degree change of a man. I've left her alone and I spend as much time as I can doing for my kids. If you ask me I've been doing great considering where I was a year ago. Yesterday was also D-day 1 year. Although she has given me no reason to believe we will ever R I still remained hopeful. Last night I dropped my son off around 9 and as I was leaving she handed me separation papers. I flipped out.....I spent the next 30 minutes begging her not to do it. She wasn't changing her mind. I finally left the house a blubbering idiot. Next thing I know I find myself alone sitting in the pitch dark in a place I shouldn't be thinking things I shouldn't do. I sat down and cried wondering wtf went wrong. How did I get myself where I was at that instant. I sat there for an hour texting anyone who would listen begging for help when my brother finally called me. Thank God. He reminded me of my children. He reminded me of where I was a year ago when I went into the hospital. I walked away and went to my apt. After a few hours of sleep I woke up and started making calls to everyone I texted the night before and apologized for everything. Truth is I'm tired. I'm mentally drained and emotionally a mess. For exactly 1 year I've been trying to become a better man for myself for my wife for my children for everyone that was affected. I've done this with my wife struggling herself to find her way until she can't do it anymore. I'm still in love with her yet she states we're done. She says it's the hardest decision she's ever made but in her heart and mind it's the right decision. When I talked to her this morning she was angry at what I did last night. Once again no matter how hard I try I keep going backwards. I know what I need to do. I've heard it before and know it. Take care of myself. Take care of my kids. Accept the consequences and I can't control the future. Accept her feelings and move on. All easier said than done. I'm trying folks. I've been trying for a year and I'm losing strength. I'm emotionally drained and want this to stop. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. I'd stop if I could but its physiologically impossible. It's just there in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to give up hope but I'm not sure if it's even possible. Other than time what else can help? I don't have any family in the area. My friends are mostly her friends so my support system is minimal. I could use any and all advice I can at this point.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
blindsidedbyhim
Member
Member # 30794
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kroma

BS here. I feel for you because you remind me of my WS. He did not want to go. I gave our reconciliation 3 years post dday, when his changes were not helping me heal, in fact, he was hurting me more and the fights were too much, I asked him to leave. I had a hard time feeling intimate with him post dday, and I wasn't sure that was ever coming back. He begged and pleaded to stay. But I was firm on the fact that I needed to fine what the hell I needed as a woman, not a wife, mother, etc. I was so broken down, I needed to feel like I could trust myself, take care of myself, not rely on him since that always seemed to end in destruction (he lost all our money, our house, our business). I very badly wanted him out so I could breathe, and to find me again, someone I lost in all his shit.

It has been 5 months. I have gone on dates (which kills him). I have a job and I am keeping the house together. At first, I was great. Freedom was wonderful. In the last month or so, he has changed. He 180ed on me. He does a lot for himself. He cleaned up a lot of the stuff I always complained about (like getting his credit cleaned up, having savings, paying bills on time). He has been exceptional with out kids, beyond what I thought he was ever capable of...Frankly, I am impressed. Now, I find myself missing him, only because he is so pleasant to be around (which was not the case for 20 years). But I am not rushing back. I quietly let him know I appreciate and feel grateful for him. I send small text messages to let him know the way he is now truly fills me with love. As I said, I am not in a rush to get back. I'd like to see this behavior last for a while.

in the meantime, I try to focus on myself and my kids. Listen, it's not easy. Would I like him back? yes! Am I going to do that prematurely? NO.

If he moves on, then it was not meant to be. If he is there when we are both healthy, happy and secure as individuals, ready to commit in a way we never did, then, yes, I would give him the chance he did not deserve before, because he did the work and proved himself to me.

Hope that helps. BTW I would consider getting back even if I served him papers (which I haven't yet).

I can hear your pain. I always tell my WS the best thing to do when you are in hell is to keep walking...

[This message edited by blindsidedbyhim at 8:01 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


ME 44
DS-10 and DD-11
DDay 9/19/10
Separated 6/1/13
Married 10 yrs, together 18

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was


Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: east coast
Gr8Panoz
♂ New Member
Member # 40746
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That hurt a lot to read blindsided by hims response. My wife was the WS and 1 week after she left I was served divorce papers. I read all these stories about People waiting months and years for their spouse to straighten up and it kills me. I have my faults and I am fixing them very well but I'll never get the chance to R.

She had the affair and to see her move on so quickly and completely kills me. I've been crying all night as I just went to see the kids at her parents house since she won't let me have unsupervised visits. That will change Oct 18 when we go to court for the temporary custody hearing. She's taken off her weeding ring and all the other rings I gave her (every damn finger) and looks like a whole different person. No nose ring different clothes.

It has also been 1 month alone for me now. I sleep on my couch because I can't stand to go into our empty room and sleep on the bed we shared. I've moved all my clothes into a spare room by the couch so I don't have to in there. $ bedroom house and the one I setup as a study is the only one I use.

I begged for the first 2 weeks for her to come back but she seems to have moved on very quickly. I still love her very much and find her very beautiful. It kills me to know she will make another man happy someday. Hopefully she'll cheat on him too but I think I was her stepping stool. I have to get myself better because I know she is moving on without me.

I realize this wasn't any help but it was good to get out and hopefully knowing you're not the only one crying tonight will help spread the pain around.


Me: 31 BS
Her: 28 STBXW
Kids: 5 & 7
DDay 8-24-13
Divorce started: 9-5-13
Divorce Final: ?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Idaho
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't live in the past anymore when it comes to anything negative. I have to move forward. I think my wife knows that I'm a good person. She knows I'm a good dad. I think she knows that I would love and appreciate her. Take care of her the way she should be. But I also know she's a lot like you are in that she needs to be happy with her freedom before she can even consider R if at all. She knows our history and the many great memories. It's not that. She just has a hard time being in love with me but I'm hoping like you in 5 months or whatever she'll miss me. She'll see me as a strong man with a lot to offer. Maybe then she'll miss me. Maybe not. I'm not going anywhere. I made a mistake and I'm not doing it again. Even separated and until god forbid there's a divorce I will do my thing waiting. I don't care how long it would take. Hard road but she's everything to me. It's worth it.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't live in the past anymore when it comes to anything negative. I have to move forward. I think my wife knows that I'm a good person. She knows I'm a good dad. I think she knows that I would love and appreciate her. Take care of her the way she should be. But I also know she's a lot like you are in that she needs to be happy with her freedom before she can even consider R if at all. She knows our history and the many great memories. It's not that. She just has a hard time being in love with me but I'm hoping like you in 5 months or whatever she'll miss me. She'll see me as a strong man with a lot to offer. Maybe then she'll miss me. Maybe not. I'm not going anywhere. I made a mistake and I'm not doing it again. Even separated and until god forbid there's a divorce I will do my thing waiting. I don't care how long it would take. Hard road but she's everything to me. It's worth it.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't pin your happiness to your BS, Kroma. That's the last piece of the puzzle. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you.

It's okay to still love her. Grieve the loss of the marriage. But you must move on with your life. Sitting, waiting, hoping, is only putting more pressure on her to "come around".

Find your new path. You owe that to your kids and yourself. I'm not just talking about dating here. I'm talking about the other aspects of your life. Figure out what your hopes and dreams are now that they don't include your BS and the traditional family unit.

If you need inspiration, start reading and posting in New Beginnings. It's time, don't you think?


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Topic Posts: 6

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