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User Topic: Making amends for prior behavior
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The new wife may wonder why you are contacting him and think that you are interested in him again. So be careful.

Yeah, I've thought of that too. She actually graduated high school with me, and met xBF through me.

My wBF isn't thrilled about me contacting him either. It took several times of me asking him to stop contact before he did when I started dating wBF.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still think you need to delay this step in your healing. You're not ready for any ensuing conversation, not with your xBf, not your current wBF, not for your xBf's girlfriend. You're not ready. It's wonderful that you've confessed what you've done. Confession is good for the soul and is absolutely essential to healing. But don't skip over the healing and dive directly into the making amends pool. You're not ready for the blowback which could burn you badly.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You telling him now will most likely make him laugh especially if he is engaged to someone else but at least he will get closure and some satisfaction . So I say , gently, do that for him and as far as your pain I hate being insensitive but sorry , I feel that payback is a bitch and karma sucks. Now you know for next time but it is very positive and good that you know what you did and can admit it. Sorry


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 580 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that my wBF cheated on me because of karma, but I do see your perspective. I made a horrible decision in a prior relationship because I was broken. Before I cheated on my xBF, I had been cheated on in both of my prior relationships. I've realized in IC that I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I made a horrible decision, but I hated myself for that decision.

I'm going to talk to my IC more about it tomorrow.

ETA: I don't know. Maybe I did deserve it. I guess if I was my xBF, I would say that about karma.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 1:03 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am your ex boyfriend


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 580 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am your ex boyfriend

I read some of your prior posts. My xBF was never married, and has no kids, so I don't think you're him. I'm sorry for the pain that you've gone through. No one deserves this.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry , I did not mean that literally , I just meant I am a guy who was betrayed like your ex was. I am also sorry that you are betrayed now . I guess I am still bitter. I apologize for the misunderstanding .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 580 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You telling him now will most likely make him laugh especially if he is engaged to someone else but at least he will get closure and some satisfaction . So I say , gently, do that for him and as far as your pain I hate being insensitive but sorry , I feel that payback is a bitch and karma sucks. Now you know for next time but it is very positive and good that you know what you did and can admit it.

Closure from what, exactly? Hi, moved on, happy with my life, getting married, ta da. That's about as closure as it gets. Having someone poke you and go, oh yeah, well I cheated on you would be either a who the fuck cares or a derailment as he tries to figure out why he's stung when he doesn't give two shits anymore. Rejection, even post appocolyptic can be a real mind fuck for some regardless of the importance of the inflictor. I can't help but think that's a very NPD move. Here, let me blow up your life so I can move on with mine, oh yeah, thanks.

As far as the Karma deal. That's not karma but reality. If you don't fix your shit you continue to be covered in it wherever you go. Kinda gets on everything. And stinks. A lot.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry , I did not mean that literally , I just meant I am a guy who was betrayed like your ex was. I am also sorry that you are betrayed now . I guess I am still bitter. I apologize for the misunderstanding .

Thank you for clarifying. And I understand, I'm bitter too over my current situation. I'm also trying to fix myself though, and want to do whatever's in the best interests of myself, my xBF, and my current wBF. Not that it probably matters, but I always kind of suspected my xBF cheated on me too. He started officially dating the new girl a week after we broke up, and met her through me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help but think that's a very NPD move. Here, let me blow up your life so I can move on with mine, oh yeah, thanks.

I am torn between that perspective, and the perspective of feeling like he deserves the truth, even if it's later than it should be. I partly feel like it's selfish to confess to him now, and partly feel like I'm being selfish if I don't confess.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your IC is way off base, IMO.

She's basically saying that you should intrude on someone else's life because you want to get something off your chest.

That's the same as trying to dump your problem off on someone else. You cheated on your xBF. That's your problem to solve. You shouldn't involve him, IMO.

Don't get me wrong - you can solve this problem for yourself, and you deserve to, but the work you need to do is with yourself.

How would this IC guide you if your xBF were unavailable? If she can't come up with a good answer to that, you probably should replace her.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8872 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, here's the problem. His truth is in fact true. He is no longer in a relationship with you or pursing one with you. He is getting married. That's truth.

What you're talking about doing is affecting his past reality and that window is closed. Just as we can't erase the past we also can't go back and "adjust" it. All we do is change the present. Do you belong in his present?

I'd understand if he were reaching out and still trying to pursue. Still chasing. Still trying to connect. He isn't.

What you do to atone and make amends is make yourself a safe person. Change is the best testimony to remorse. Otherwise it's just bullshit anyway.

Now, if you still feel just overwhelmed with guilt send an annonymous gift of cash to the happy couple. I'm sure that'd be greatly appreciated and may quench your thirst for pennance. I'm not being a smart ass either. That's always a great wedding gift no matter where you're registered.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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