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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Would she do anything...?
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must have told fww that I've never heard her say she'd do anything to make it right about a hundred times. For some reason she doesn't take the hint. She really doesn't do anything either. Funny, think I need another drink.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FeelingMN)))

I hear you. I've felt that frustration. On one hand, you could give her a list of things she could do to show remorse and earn trust. Hopefully, she would step up to the plate and do them. On the other side, she should be asking you what she can do and trying to help you heal. I'm sorry she is not making an effort. Sending you strength.


Posts: 35099 | Registered: Mar 2011
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flat out Ask her what she's willing to do? It is strange she doesn't take the hint.

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jul 2013
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a conversation last night and I told her I've never heard her say the words, "I would do anything." To which she replied, "I want to make it work." Seriously, it was so frustrating. She's afraid if she says the words I want to hear her say they won't mean as much. She's never said it any other time either! I tried to explain what the difference between "I'll do anything" and "I want it to work". It's the difference between hoping for better and committing to better. She eventually said it but by the time she got there sounded like she was more mad than anything. It shouldn't surprise me because in our house even yes/no questions elicit yes/no and "other" responses.

I can tell her, and have, exactly what I need in order to make R successful. I really, really, really, don't want to have to tell her exactly what she has to do to get there. Should I? I'm starting IC tomorrow again to figure that out.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words aren't all that meaningful. Have you told her what you want her to do to show remorse, to show that she wants to rebuild your M?

Gently, hints are bullshit, and WSes are effed up. If you ask for specific actions, you'll see how committed she is to R.

Now is the time to think clearly and to present your requirements with vigor and precision. It's time for a drink only if that drink is filtered water.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 5

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