Iím supposed to be preventing myself from dwelling on it and I know I should be, but it is hard to do. Sometimes it just makes me so sad. It seems like he wants to be here now, I hope that is true. But sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror it makes me think about how I was unwanted, and how they talked bad about me. I feel now like I have to prove that I am not that person, but inside that is how I feel. This whole thing has made me feel unwanted, and unloved and unlovable. I grew up with a lot of people who didnít like me, who talked bad about me, who made fun of me and made me feel like I was a bad person and unworthy of their companionship. I thought WH was someone who I could be comfortable with, someone I wouldnít have to be ashamed in front of, but what he did with OW has changed that. I no longer feel secure, I feel self-conscious and judged, like at any moment he might see my wrinkles or my fat, and decide that I am ugly and not worth his time after all. How do I get past these feelings? And then when I have these feelings I start thinking about how much our marriage has been altered and damaged by this whole thing. About what he did and how he promised that he wouldnít and then did it anyway. I feel so betrayed and hurt and sad. My marriage doesnít feel happy anymore, it feels forced and scary. Not that we donít have fun sometimes, happy times and such, I love hanging out with him and with DS but always in the back of my mind is the thought of what he did and his broken promises. How can anything ever be ok again? Will I ever again feel secre? Or is this how my life will be from now on? Always feeling the loss of who I thought we were together and what I hoped was the truth. I know that everyone has to lose their illusions at some point or another and that what I thought and the truth are very different and that it is silly to grieve for something that never was, but I just canít keep from wishing that when she emailed him he did the right thing, the thing he promised he would do and told me, instead of what he did do. Everything feels so broken and damaged and I miss being able to just love him freely and not feel scared about it, or angry or sad. I miss feeling loved.
[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 1:57 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I have been trying to work on loving myself. If this happened to your daughter, what would you say? Would you hold her tight and give her the love and support she needs? Than do this for you, care for yourself, believe in yourself, and remember that you are an adult now, and past acts of unkindness are past transgressions and this is different and yes it hurts, but it is not the same as this history you are carrying. Maybe these past feelings of pain are reasons why you are accepting this. And work on yourself - what you want to be and how you need to change to be that person ... For yourself, not for him. Love yourself.
Your feelings are natural but not conducive to helping you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the support and love you would give your child. Many hugs to you.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
I could have wrote the exact same feelings and worries that you did. I feel the exact same. I mean the EXACT same words.
I dont have any advice, just that I struggle with this EVERY SINGLE DAY like you do.
inshockandhurt, I could have written everything you wrote ((HUGS)). I have been having a bad, trigger filled, few days and it sucks. I have no advice, I try to counter negative thoughts with positive ones when these thoughts won't go away. Nobody deserves to feel like this.
Your feelings are natural but not conducive to helping you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the support and love you would give your child.
^^^This is what I've been trying to do. Because, one thing I've learned - his affair is not about me (and sometimes I have say it repeatedly to believe it - but it's true)
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
"Keep you in the dark you know they all pretend. Keep you in the dark and so it all began" Pretender by Foo Fighters