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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling or Brainwashing?
SheHatesMe
♂ New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m not sure I am going to be able to explain this. My BGF is in a really bad place right now and has lost hope. She spends her weekends in the bedroom sleeping and sad. I comfort her as best I can when she allows me to be around. She says I’m doing the right things in regard to what we’ve read in books and SI and yet she says they are not helping. She said today that she’s always been a strong woman and I have utterly destroyed her to where she doesn’t even know who she is any longer. I have never heard her talk like she talks – filled with no hope or outlook on anything. She has always been a positive person. She always went to bed happy and woke up happy. Now she goes to sleep when she can sleep and hopes she doesn’t wake up. She doesn’t understand why this is working for so many others and not her. Her strength has always been her strongest characteristic. She says when she has a “good” day, it is not a “good” day it’s just her being so tired to argue or fight it any longer. She wondered today whether most BSs are simply brainwashed by their WSs constant consistent efforts in doing the right things that they start to give up on themselves.

Again, I am not sure I know exactly how to explain her thoughts as she’s becoming more closed off and withdrawing. She refuses to read anything to avoid more triggers. I am so concerned.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
SheHatesMe
♂ New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to add one more thing.

My BGF also is losing hope because she constantly reads on SI about WSs continuing to hurt their BS by falling right back into the old habits or going back to APs, breaking NC, etc. How can she trust me when so many others are struggling through it. She cannot trust that I won't be one of those WS. I feel like I'm paying for not only my bad choices but other WS bad choices too. Again, just my feelings.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what happened or when in your situation, but if DDay was in August, that is just how she will feel for some time. It takes time and a lot of work to start feeling better.

Just be there for her and be ready to talk honestly to her if she asks.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1279 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read one of your posts earlier,and you said your latest TT was only a month ago.

So...that makes you a month out.

Every time you TT her, you reset her healing time to 0.

And,after attempting to R,and then being TT,or broken NC,etc, those things make it that much harder for a BS to rally and want to try to R.

She is pretty much where most BS's are at one month out.

What are YOU doing to be more safe for her? I saw that you were reading some books and posting on here. Are you in IC? Have you made a timeline for her? Have you answered all of her questions..with *answers?* Not "I don't know/remember?" If she does have questions and you really do NOT know..then spend some time thinking and searching for those answers...then give her the answer. If you DO have anything more to disclose,do it NOW.

Unless I have you confused with another WS, you got violent with your BS sometime since dday. What are you doing to get control of your anger? (If I have you confused with someone else,my apologies).

Also..you are not paying for what other WS's have done. You cheated,lied,TT'd,etc. So,please, do not tell her you feel you are paying for another WS's bullshit. Because,in her eyes,she doesn't care about the path of any other WS..only hers. And,also,do not put it like that...that you are "paying" for your mistakes. That makes it sound like you feel she is punishing you for your actions because she is sad,angry and doesn't trust you. WH said that to me once..that he was paying..no. Her feelings are the direct result of your deliberate and conscious actions. They are a consequence..not payment or punishment.

It sounds like she is deeply depressed. Is she on AD's?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:42 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your BGF tried any IC? Have you gone to IC or CC? A good counselor can help you both through many of the tough times ahead.

You are very early past your DD and your GF's behavior is pretty normal. Many BP's lose weight, become insomniacs, and other forms of depression can happen. Maybe she needs to see a Dr. sometimes an antidepressant helps deaden the pain a little.

I do not believe BS's are brainwashed. I believe most of us(MO) begin to hope for a better future and that is what keeps us going. You trying to help her and being supportative of her is a good step in helping her heal. The shock of discovering betrayal is the most devestating thing many of us have gone through. Maybe it is to early for her to read much here. The JFO forum is a good place for her to read and the Healing Library in the yellow box.

she is going through the stages of grief and she will for quite some time. If you are worried about her condition you may need to get her medical attention.

As most people say time does help but getting up on your feet again is very hard.

I wish you both healing.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to pull up your big boy pants, and fully accept what you have done, then you need to start to be her safe place to land again, and this will not happen overnight, it will not happen in a week, a month or a year....This is shit that takes a long time to recover from.

Have you given her complete and total disclosure of EVERYTHING? Have you become totally transparent with her? Are you forthcoming with where you are going, who you are going with, and how long you will be gone?

Remember she has been lied to by the one person that should have made her safe, it takes a lot of work onthe Wayward's part for the Betrayed to even begin to get a sense of possibly belieiving or trusting.

Be consistent, be kind, be patient, be strong, read the books, do the work. Show her you choose her. She is the most important thing to you, after you do this consistently for a long time, and are kind to her a million times she will start to trust again.

In the meantime those of us that succsessfully R, those of us that say we are better now than before? We aren't brainwashed, we are the ones that tore it completely down to the framework, and started over, and rebuilt it. Calling out bullshit when we saw it, finally being strong enough to demand what we deserve from one another.

She does sound seriously depressed, if she is on AD's call her Dr, or make her call, if she isn't on AD's then make her call her Dr. Show her you care about her well being, by making her pick up the phone, and call.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7837 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm paying for not only my bad choices but other WS bad choices too.

You're not the Victim here. Just sayin'....

You can control only yourself. Make yourself honest, transparent, loving. Become a person who will never betray anyone again. Doing these things may win your BGF back. If it doesn't, you'll have set yourself for a better future.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SheHatesMe
♂ New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

read one of your posts earlier,and you said your latest TT was only a month ago.
So...that makes you a month out.

Every time you TT her, you reset her healing time to 0.

You are correct. I pulled my head out of my ass one month ago. All information is out.

What am I doing? I am in IC. I am reading, researching, and working on me. I've done all my BGF has asked of me. I've answered the questios the best I can and searching for the others. Again, she says I'm doing everything I supposed to do, but I won't stop there.

Unless I have you confused with another WS, you got violent with your BS sometime since dday. What are you doing to get control of your anger?

Not a proud moment. At first I tried to justify my violent behavior as a response to her hitting, slapping and throwing things, but I know that's wrong. There's no justification for what I had done. Again, I am in IC and on AD medication. The self-help books are helping too. Our house is safe from anymore violence from me.

Also..you are not paying for what other WS's have done. You cheated,lied,TT'd,etc. So,please, do not tell her you feel you are paying for another WS's bullshit. Because,in her eyes,she doesn't care about the path of any other WS..only hers.

I do not actually believe that I am paying for other WS choices. I know that my choices and my choices along have caused this shit storm. I only said that because she mentioned the other WSs keep screwing up what makes her trust I won't do the same? So, yes, their actions are adding to her doubt in a way, albeit a small way.

Payment was a bad choice of words. I do not feel punished for what I've done. The consequences of my actions are justified. No argument from me.

As far as her being on AD's, she refuses to take drugs to be in a relationship with me. She hasn't taken drugs, never will. This is her personal choice to not put a bunch of man made shit into her body and especially not going to take drugs that will just numb her so she can't make clear decisions anymore because some stupid drug is telling her brain everything is fine. - her words.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize she has been violent too. What work is she doing to be safe for you?

I see what you're saying..that she is reading the posts here and seeing how so many WS's have repeat affairs,keep lying,etc,etc...and you think because of these other WS's,it will cause your BGF to not be able to work through this,or regain trust.

You can't control what other WS's do...or how your BGF feels. BUT,you can go a very long way in helping her realize you ARE not one of *those* WS's. You keep saying you're doing everything you should be doing..everything she has asked.

What else are you doing? It may not be enough. Actually,it may never be enough. But it also might be that you need to go above and beyond what you "should be doing." Way past,"everything she has asked of me." Be proactive. A lot of your posts are about her and how to help her heal..which is ok..and you can play a very important role in helping her heal...but you need to heal YOU first. Work on yourself..dig,dig,dig. Post more on the wayward forum..they are great at helping you get to the root of your issues. You can show her you are not one of "those* WS's through consistent,honest,remorseful,HONEST,compassionate actions. And patience.

Maybe you could suggest that she post here today, for support?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 9

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