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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: They say the only worst than the pain of infidelity is...
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...the lost of a child. I can't even imagine THAT pain in comparison.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-silences-a-room-for-9-minutes-its-not-an-awkward-silence?c=ufb2


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The person I ran to when I first realized my WH was having an affair, had lost a son in an avalanche. She told me that the experience of having her H unfaithful and losing her marriage was worse. Her words were, "It is exactly like death in all respects, except that when people die they dont do it on purpose with no regard for your pain."

((((hugs SeanFLA))))


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read the same that it hurts worse than loosing a child... I recall a lady who lost a very young child to cancer, and said he fought with all of his heart, gave every last bit of strength to beat it, but did not. She voiced similar as TC did.

We have read here of soldiers loosing dear friends in violent combat deaths, violent stories of rape and near death assaults that say discovering infidelity is/hurts much worse... I can only say in my experience it is BY FAR the worst pain of my life, and my life has been full of loss, sadness, and pain... Its emotional rape, and the the feeling of death done with malice and selfishness that can not be quantified... I hate the bastards.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya. The only thing I have to compare it to was my father's death a year and a half earlier. It took me about three months to get over and accept that. But at the time I was distracted helping my mother with her cancer treatment. I didn't have any idea things could get any worse in my life after that. And there was no anger towards my father for what happened. Just intense sadness. This video kind of brought back that pain of Dday in a way. I understand where he says at some point you feel you have to "man up". It's kind of the point I eventually reached.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Angelback
♂ New Member
Member # 39273
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I think it would be worse. But for us, we don't even get to remember the good times and think back fondly on the time we had together. As a christian I believe we will all be together some day. I hope and believe that day will be so awesome and our level of understanding so much more that we wont have to deal with the pain of infidelity (even if the WS makes it in) !

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jackfish
♂ Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature
I agree.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither pain (for me) goes away. It is a searing pain. Seven months after d-day and kicking STBXH out my daughter died.

I am now 23 months from d-day and just 15 months from my daughter's death. I still cry every day for both, the loss of my husband and the loss of my daughter.

It has changed me for ever.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 748 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can do is echo: Worst pain I have ever experienced. I was shocked at the intensity and "quality." Like every horrible human emotion rolled up into one hellish nightmare of a feeling.

I had utterly no idea I even had the capacity for such pain. And I looked into her eyes and told her just this, and what she was doing to me. Blank stare. Nothing.

Thank god the worst of the pain has passed.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to belittle or ignore anyones feelings one way or another because loss is loss but this isn't exactly apples and oranges. I have 2 kids and no matter how much hell my STBXW put me through, and it was hell, I would gladly go through it over and over if I had to choose between the A's and the aftermath or my kids.

It's still a matter of perspective so I respect others veiwpints on the topic as well but everyone measures pain differently.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.
ditto


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to say that it would be worse to lose one of my precious children. They make my heart happy and when shit hit the fan they were the ones there that had my back and loved me unconditionaly.
The pain of wh's A was the worst pain I have felt ever, all those feelings wrapped up into one person can not be desribed. All of us know it but no one can feel it until they live it. But that pain I would surly do again and again for my children and grandson. I could not imagine losing a life that I created and carried and brought into this world (hell).


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first D-Day was when my STBXH was picked up by the police on his way to meet a 15 yo he had solicited for sex. We have a 16 yo daughter.

I thank GOD that his downward spiral was interupted before his behavior spilled over onto DD. I would gladly go through this a hundred times over, if I knew it would spare DD the pain of abuse.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1764 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have experienced both and the two can not compare. Children do not die to intentionally hurt you and you will always have good memories to comfort you through the pain. Infedelity is caused by a selfish person who did not care how bad they hurt you and there is no good memories to ease the pain caused by them. It is a different kind of hurt and one that is hard to describe to people that have never lived through it.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think losing a child would be a million times worse than losing my stbxww loser! Abbondad my stbxww did the same exact thing,(blank stare)no remorse. so my stbxww friend's husband cheated on her, she lost her aunt who lived with her and was like a mother and she lost her 5 year old ,back to back in one years time . Guess who my stbxww was partying and double dating with right before D day? yup sick people in this world , she also recommended my stbxww her lawyer! I will never understand this.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain in both cases is severe, but it is different. I lost my daughter, but it wasn't personal....it wasn't done on purpose to hurt me. I was eventually able to heal and go on.

With my WH's A(s)and 3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died) the pain was very personal and intense, and harder to recover from and am still working on it.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone said it well below...

When a person dies, there is no betrayal. The betrayal is the worst feeling.

A child dying would be hell, the worst pain imaginable. Now, on the other hand, I did say that I wished my STBX would have rather died. If he had, I would still love him, think he was a great person, loving husband, and dad who I shared a great 15 years with. Now, I don't have that luxury. I have to live with the fact he was a complete fraud, lier, cheater, weak, discusting, selfish pig ass and it negates all the good times we had in addition to the future we won't have. Plus I would have a whole lot of insurance money and wouldn't have to co-parent with him or see his ugly skank face....

still bitter :)


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could not compare the two.

Had the sad clown died it would have been 'easier' for sure but I may not have learned all of this stuff about myself. IMHO I was on a path towards a WH whether it was him or someone else.

There is nothing in this world that would compare to losing one of my girls. Nothing at all. Not even close.

In the early days I spent a lot of my time trying to put the pain and what was happening into perspective. This isn't the worst thing that has happened to me - not by a long shot. Why did this have me on my knees? I'd think about all of the things that could be worse - losing one of my girls or one of them being chronically ill was at the top of that list.

I would remind myself daily that I have my health, my girls are happy and healthy. I had more than a fighting chance of getting through this.

For me it is not a case of more painful or not. Whatever pain you are in at this moment feels like the most painful time in your life.

It is a case of clean pain vs dirty pain. I would mourn the loss of my children for the rest of my life but it would be a clean pain. I would still be be angry, I would most likely walk around in a rage for a time but the pain would be clean. I know people who have lost children - many honour their child's short life by living their own to the fullest. They no longer sweat the small stuff. They mourn in an empowering way.

Infidelity was a dirty pain. Like a gangrenous limb I had to chop off with a butter knife.

Watching that clip was intense - clean pain.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a little bit different, but the person I was on the phone at the very minute X stepped out the door to abandon us, with, is a young relative who has had much suffering.

As a child, this man lost a lost a brother who was a baby and he then became a father and almost lost that child to heart complications. The wife and mother spent her life at that time seeking medical care and spending any money they could obtain to heal the child. That lady went on to volunteer with the staff of people who did finally save their child, aged 2 at the time.

Well...

About a year after this, which would be 2 years ago, the mother was struck by a car and died a mile from their home on her bicycle.

When the H, a relative of mine, learned what X had been doing, he sent a letter to X and I don't know the exact words, but X said he will never forget it.

It was something along the lines of writing him off as a person because my relative understood the love that was here for X and he threw it away, while my relative could only imagine having the chance to have what X did.

So anyway...this is something I often hear compared by betrayed people and a common theme that arises is that the person who died didn't have a choice...the person who cheated, did.

In regard to various types of pain, I think of that in a bit of a different way, especially in the face of even more change...and I spoke with this relative briefly about the pain/grief areas and he said too, that sometimes it's not about the actual pain but the endurance to live on in the face of massive, life altering adversity. The people who are left in his life are what he pours his heart and soul into and I find that a good example for my own grief.

I don't know about any of you, but something I find also is that I get some of the most comfort out of time spent with other people who have been betrayed or who are widowed/widowers. I think it's because they've faced the pain and the change and are still going.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:02 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died)

That is seriously fucked up. I am so sorry for your loss, and the absolute lack of respect your ex has.

I imagine the pain of infidelity seems as if it would be worse than losing a child because it is something that was done on purpose to me by the one person who PICKED me to love. (Unlike parents or kids, who love you because you are family).


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3585 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 31
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