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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: They say the only worst than the pain of infidelity is...
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

something I find also is that I get some of the most comfort out of time spent with other people who have been betrayed

I agree with this. When a friend's husband cheated on her, I could not relate because I was not married at the time. Now, after my WS experience, I can relate with the first breath that the betrayed spouse starts to utter.


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg, that movie clip was heartbreaking. Infidelity and abandonment has definitely been the worst pain of my life. A raw, seemingly bottom-less pain that has literally taken my breath away. But losing a child? I don't have any personal experience with this (Thank God!).... I.cannot.even.imagaine.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1509 | Registered: Aug 2010
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Disclaimer*

I haven't watched the link.

But I have endured both. The loss of a child and the pain of infidelity.

For me the pain was similar but not the same.

I lost my son 12 years ago. It was the most traumatic experience of my life not something I would wish on my worse enemy. Not a day goes by where I don't think of my son.

The true difference is my son didn't choose to die.

My exwh chose to kill our marriage and our family not just once but multiple times.

The pain of the last infidelity was enormous and it almost broke me completely. But seeking help from my doctor was the best thing I ever did. In the words of my doctor "You have been to hell and back more times then anyone should have to endure, but you have been through a bigger hell then this shitstorm, you made it through that one, you can make it through this one." I love my doctor she is a straight shooter and tells it exactly how it is.

The hardest thing now, is still when people ask me how many kids I have.

It's far easier to tell people I am divorced then tell people I had to bury one of my children.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost my son 19 months ago. At that exact moment, half of me died. Within months, XWH was at his poor behavior again.

XWH made a conscience choice to do what he did. My son did not.

For me, the death of a child is hell on earth; the absolutely worse thing that has happened me and the pain never goes away.


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I count my blessings every day that my son is healthy and happy. He is the reason I am still here. The pain of the betrayal was so overwhelming at times, that I could not see how I could possibly go on. But then I thought about my son, and knew I had to keep on for him. He's the reason I am still here. I know he has no idea how far down I went or that he was the only light I could see in the darkness of my pain. Am getting weepy now, just thinking about it. Such a horrible, painful place that was.

My heart goes out to those that have lost their children. I can not imagine the pain you've been through.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost my son when he was 1 month old to SIDS.

The infidelity was at least slightly worse.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2012
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I write these words, I am in tears ... I am so thankful that my children are with me. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child(ren).

The video showed a father who learned how to take care of his daughter. I didn't know fathers did this. When my daughter was hospitalized twice and my son visited the emergency room every other month for years, my stbx did not step up to the plate. He didn't even visit our daughter. I am realizing now through listening to other people and learning (like with this video) that his lack of action when the children were ill, is not the norm. Right now, I am in awe of the father in the video. He put his whole heart and life into his child.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1824 | Registered: Oct 2012
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is definitely an apples/oranges comparison IMO. The intense, seething, gut wrenching pain of repeated betrayal was traumatic and life changing, however~ I know I will get over it, and life will go on (it already is) and I am ultimately glad he is no longer in my life... The loss of one of my children would be something I would feel every breath for the rest of my life. Every moment that should have been happy would have an empty place. They are irreplaceable.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having experienced the death of one child and stillbirth of another,the pain of losing my sons was gut wrenching and at times seemed bottomless. My husband's affair was worse,hands down. We chose R,so maybe that affects my point of view,but grieving the loss of the boys was simpler,less complex. I had them,and then they were gone...end of story. Healing from that was cauterizing a wound. Healing from the A? The scab gets ripped off daily for months on end.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Heading for S.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been deployed several times, so his death is something I've had to think about. I've planned, as much as possible, what I would do afterward. Move closer to family, finish school, sell the house, etc. I can see that there would be light at the end of the tunnel after he died. Sure, I'd have to walk the dark, depressing tunnel first, but there's light at the end.

After I found out my H was unfaithful, I've had to consider life without him, but in a different way. I've talked to a lawyer, talked to my dad about living with him until I get on my feet, I've looked into schools my daughter would attend, etc. Again, I'd have to walk through the dark, depressing tunnel, but I can see the light at the end. I can imagine a good life afterward.

Losing my daughter? Nope. I have nothing. I cannot see past that at all. I cannot imagine not having her in my life. It's not like seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It's getting sucked into a huge black hole with no light, no hope. Just nothing but darkness forever.

I would rather my H cheat on me repeatedly for the rest of my life than lose my daughter. I would gladly relive every horrible experience of my life...all the physical abuse, sexual abuse/assault, the manipulation of my ex, the loss of my cousin and best friend, the miscarriages, being homeless, etc...all of that and more IN ADDITION TO a serial cheating H. I've read that comparing infidelity to the death of a child is comparing apples to oranges. I disagree. It's like comparing apples to freaking freight trains, IMO.


Me: 27
Him: 29
Married 7 years
Daughter, 6 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 606 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the loss of my Nemo in 2003 was/is something I cannot put into words.

What I can say is that at the time Xh was there with me. He is the only reason I got through that time.

When D-day rolled around Xh was not there for me, not how I needed him anyway. He was there trying to be comforting ect but at the sametime he was trying to distance me from him. He had already left the M and moved on, while we were still M'ed and I had no idea.

D-day was worse for me. I felt truly alone and adrift. However, if I were to loose a baby/child as a single parent that would be far worse.


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Topic Posts: 31
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