I had a really bad day Saturday. The anxiety reared its ugly head in the morning and took on a life of its own by early afternoon.
H is away on business. I called, got VM and hung up. He called be back a little while later and knew immediately something was wrong. I was so filled with anxiety and doubt, yet I couldn't figure out why.
He was able to talk me through it. Lots of unrelated stuff swirling through my head and out of my mouth, yet he was patient and understanding. He apologized again for all the pain he has caused. He's not trying to hide from any of this, as difficult as it is. I felt much better and he checked in often to be sure I was OK.
Fast forward to Monday when it all makes sense: A significant work project is stalled leaving me frustrated and anxious. I'm "responsible" for its success, but relying on many other people's contributions to make it happen. I feel essentially the same way about the project and my marriage! I can do as much as I can do, but ultimately this is a team effort and I can't do it all on my own.
I had this epiphany while I was talking with H yesterday. The conversation wasn't exactly linear and included me expressing how hurt I am by his choice to have this affair, the creepiness of AP's recent viewing of my professional profile, and how the A fallout seeps into so many seemingly unrelated places... The conversation ended with him saying this: You have put too much pressure on yourself to fix something I broke. You need to worry only about yourself and how you feel. You can not worry about me, YOU MUST BE SELFISH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE. You must make yourself your top priority and I promise you will continue to be my top priority as well. We will talk about EVERYTHING that bothers you, EVERYTHING you want to talk about even if it upsets me, YOU CANNOT HOLD BACK.
We talked about a bunch of stuff, some A related, some not but it felt really good to hear him say (and mean) those words.
I think we're gonna make it.