I was lucky there seems to be no trickle truth and for a while we were doing super well.
Recently though I find my self apathetic. No longer in pain, not angry,...just apathetic. That seems almost worse.
The hysterical bonding has waned which worries me that again he may wander. My intense desire to save the marriage has waned...Do I love him? Yes. Would I shrivel up and fade if he left no. Sometimes I almost wish he would cheat again so my answer would be clear.
Is this apathy normal? Anyone else in the same place? I don't want to end my marriage but no feelings at all is worse than a year ago I think. Some days I don't have the energy to think. My spark for life seems gone. Last year at this time I was full of life. Preparing for a marathon, working, being a mom and wife...now there are days that if I could just fade away I would.
Our anniversary, 11 years is Friday, 12 days before my antiversary. I don't know if I want to celebrate that we've made it this far or forget it like he did when he was with her.
Just looking for others in the same place or having similar thoughts.
Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
Lots of people post about their reactions, and none of them are positive, except for people several years out.
My W says I was a wreck at the end of the first post- D-day year, from the start of the A in early August through the actual D-Day antiv. on 12/22. We're in the middle of our 3rd post-D-Day A season and ... well, I'm not going to apologize for how I'm acting.
Recovery takes a long time. Hang in with yourself.
The numbness can be almost more frightening than the anger, but hopefully it's the gateway to acceptance like it has been for many of us. When the panic and denial starts to clear there is numbness and an overall disappointment that weighs heavily, but without the spikes in anger you will have more energy to start clearing your own path through this.
Take small steps, and don't hold yourself to be completely healed or happy right now. It's a long road that has many twists and turns, but you'll get back to the light. It won't always feel this bleak,
Sometimes I want to throw in the towel just because the thoughts of living like this forever is exhausting. But I too feel like I am fading. I could disappear and it wouldn't matter.
So I am sending you hugs and just know you are not alone.
My first Antiversary I retreated from the world and my H. It was just something I couldn't face. I needed time to grieve my loss and then I tried to bring up the positive things since DD.
What you are feeling is 100% normal, at least in my opinion. I say do what you need to do to get through it. If you need a vacation from your H-take it. If you don't want to celebrate your Anniversary - don't. Regardless of what you decide-your actions are a consequence of WS behavior. I think like everything else your DD antiversary will get a little easier with time. The first of everything special after DD (CHristmas, birthday's) is hard but it does get easier. I am fianlly at a point where I can celebrate things without falling apart.
Time helps but so does a supportive and understanding FWS.
Remember you have been through your worst nightmare and just coming out on the otherside. Be good to yourself.
I bought a couple books for my husband to read in Feb of this year. I finished both books in a day and he hasn't finished either one.
This antiversary will be the start of many triggers for the whole holiday season. I got trickle truth and outright lies for most of the year. It certainly does diminish all the good memories we created in that time because I feel like its all been fake since he was withholding that he first met her at his work and they slept together the first time they met.
So I sit here at home, thinking about how much I hate his job, even though she doesn't work there. I hate his desk where they made out, I hate his work computer where he signed up for dating sites.
I can feel my heart distancing. I know we need MC, but I've been seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression and I had to arrange all that myself. I had to be the first for std testing, again, arranged myself. I just want my husband to get off his ass and be proactive. He's being transparent now and spending every spare moment with me, but sometimes I wonder if anything will be enough.
I've told him I need him to schedule the MC and I at least want him to read the damn books. He thinks spending time together fixes everything but my heart is still broken and lately, I'm getting rather numb.
Just apathy at this point. I don't even care anymore.
For a long time, I was on this site daily. Now, I don't even care. I don't want to connect with others that have been there as much as I have in the past. i don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't even want to think about this.
I want to focus on me more now than saving the marriage. i don't even care if the marriage continues anymore...I just care about myself and the kids. if he cheats again or contacts OW again--I don't care...he has alreay broken me. There is nothing left to break.
I realize I need to say screw it to him and start focusing more on myself and what I can do on my own to get past this. Some days I think it would be easier to find another email or proof of broke NC so I could tell him to hit the road, but under it all I do love the man, I just wish he wasn't such an ass.
Wishing each of us strength and a new found spark for life in the year ahead.
I am just past my 1 yr antiversary which was 3 days before my anniversary. I did ok but did dread it.
Give it a bit....see if it is flatness or apathy.
Pain and saddness is soo deep....I think the "plane" is a defense mechanism to give us a chance to repair nerve damage in our brains....this is trauma.
God be with us all
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:52 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
A while back, he had his work email set up to go to my phone. My suggestion but he did it without me having to ask twice.
Earlier I get a calendar alert about a 401K meeting at his company today. It was held in the conference room where he had sex with this woman on weekends when no one was at the office but him.
I told him that I got the alert. He said sorry and that he was trying very hard to be transparent. I was supportive since I know he's trying his best. It just hurts so terribly bad that today, of all days, I had to think of him sitting in that room for nearly an hour.
I took one extra klonopin than normal and am hanging in there. Maybe I'm not as numb as I thought.
There are days I feel so normal but those are the days that I am going going going and don't have time to thinke of me.
I think its the A, where I am in life (43, 4 young kids, career, and all of the above)...I feel I have lost myself. I complain when I have not time and then I get time and don't know what to do with myself. I no longer no how to enjoy myself and then my mind fills with the last year of crap.
Your words are all encouraging that I am not alone.
Hugs to all and thank you for your cont'd support
It's the talking I need. I want to talk about where we are and where we are headed. And when I don't get that I have conversations in my head and they don't always go well.
Then I poke until I get attention. He gets defensive. My walls go up.
He had a LTA. I get it, and I want to put it in the past. I also want to make sure the circumstances that allowed for the affair to happen don't resurface. (work pressure, house pressure, poor boundaries) .
At the end of the day I just don't want give another year of my life to a man who is unable to be faithful.