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Here I am again. Same place. Trying to find the courage to change the cycle. Deja vu? Yeah I know. Like I said, stuck.

We've always been so careful not to fill our lives up with "stuff". We have tons of friends who do "stuff" every day of the week. They run themselves ragged with "stuff". They seem to have no family time. QS and I didn't want that for ourselves. We don't sign up for every club, class, sport, or event in the county. We choose to be more simplistic and focus on what we feel is important. Family time.

Since Dday, I've secluded myself even further into this family bubble. If there were any extra-curricular activity, it halted. All my focus has been on QS, me, and the kids. IF I do anything, it's church related and 9 times out of 10, QS and/or the kids are with me.

Everyone's all, "Take time for yourself. Be selfish. You have to find yourself and be secure it that." Yeah ok, I know, whatever. And I continue to entangle myself in my family, convinced that that's really what it's all about anyway. After all, I could have lost them. I want to make every moment with them count.

Things have been really hairy around here lately. Been laying low and working to put out fires on the home front. Got to the point where we were almost completely consumed by the flames and dying. Pretty rough place to be. Terrifying, honestly. Had a "come to Jesus" of sorts. Things are improved for the time being. Don't know how long it will last or if it will stay that way. Not going to go into detail but suffice it to say, UO's post on "Successful toxicity" pretty much sums it up.

I've been struggling with my "role" as a wayward, and my "right" as an equal partner in the relationship. Finding the nerve to voice my own hurts, concerns, and "This isn't working" stuff. Who am I? Stay at home mother who homeschools the children. Who am I as an individual person? *shrug* What am I all about? QS and the kids. Raising my offspring. Being a partner to QS. What am I as an individual? *shrug*

Something keeps coming back into my mind. It was at the Chattanooga G2G last year. There were several of us in the car driving to a tourist trap and an SIer asked, "So Aubrie, who are are you? What do you do?" I went blank. I stared at the back of their head and hem-hawed around. I still cringe thinking about it. I'm a SAHM. "What are you hobbies?" Ummm...I dabble...little bit of everything... I couldn't say with confidence, "Bitches, I'm a stamp collector!" or "My volleyball team is #1 in our division." And maybe it's ok that I'm a Pinterest crafter. I've done some really cool things. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence in my work.

If, (and it doesn't seem like such an obscure, far-off question anymore) if I find myself alone and loose everything, what am I? Who am I?

At the end of the day, I realized, truly realized that I need to do something for me. Not do it for 2 weeks and back off. Not push it off because QS or the kids need/want something. Not push it off out of guilt because QS has been working 45 days straight and we need "family time". I'm not a doormat. I'm a human being. And just as they have their activities and interests, I'm "allowed" to cultivate my own. I'm "allowed" to be selfish. I'm "allowed" to be alone and do things that interest me. I'm "allowed" to have downtime. And I need to be confident in doing whatever it is I choose to do.

And really, if my family wants a sane, whole person, it's imperative. I keep burning out. It builds and builds, till I loose my mind. It's not fair to anyone in the family and it's not fair to me. I just can't do it anymore.

I've discovered that past interests are just ruined for me. Already tried the whole, "Defeat the trigger! Don't let it rule you!" thing. Don't bother. It's gone. Over. Finished. I need to move on to something else. It's daunting to realize, there's a whole buttload of stuff out there to do. I don't even know where to begin.

A recent health issue is forcing me into at least 1 new "hobby". Can't say that I'm thrilled about it, but it's something different from my "normal". It's one step in the right direction.

Almost 2 years out and still learning. Still changing.

Someone will probably have a better answer, but the short answer that hits me is balance. I don't think we can be good to ourselves or others if in the long run we don't find some balance. I don't see that as a static point, but a moving point that circles around that balance spot. We get pulled in different directions but we need to keep attached to that center. I know it's a struggle for me.

And really, if my family wants a sane, whole person, it's imperative. I keep burning out. It builds and builds, till I loose my mind. It's not fair to anyone in the family and it's not fair to me. I just can't do it anymore.

I like stories to illustrate my point

It was the annual lumberjack competition and the final was between an older experienced lumberjack and a younger, stronger lumberjack. The rule of the competition was quite simply who could fell the most trees in a day was the winner.

“Every hour I took a break to rest and sharpen my saw”

Many may know this from Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The point being that you need to recharge, relax, grow so that you can perform more effectively.

It is ok to not know of a hobby or activity right now. Try some out. Try reading. Just make sure that you take a little time to do something that you want to do. It doesn't have to be alone. It could include your family if they are contributing positively so don't limit yourself to needing to do something by yourself.

BTW you'll have to let me know which one of us front seat passengers dared to ask that question.

I am have been an on again/off again reader lately, so forgive me if I am missing something that has already been covered.

I always identify with your posts, Aubrie. I see much of me and how I try/tried to "fix" everything since I wronged. And in the process, I lost myself much of the time.

Looking back further, it was trying to "fix" everything in life that got me in this mess to begin with. When my efforts to "fix" my family and make it strong in the beginning weren't working, I turned my attention to "fixing" someone/something else. Clearly, that didn't work either.

I am obviously co-dependant. None of the demons or FOO issues that typically drive co-dependant behavior ever existed in my life, so I ignored that "diagnosis" for a long time. But really, I am. I think life will be perfect for me if life is perfect for everyone around me. Doesn't work that way.

You are right. You must do some things to nurture yourself. Something that is about you, for you and creates enjoyment. Something healthy, of course.

I wish I could share an a-ha moment or technique I used to start allowing myself a little focus on myself, without the guilt. I don't have one. But when I started to do some things for myself (in my case, volleyball and taking a half hour a day by myself to read whatever struck my fancy), I started to find some peace and balance. And then the whole household started to feel peaceful and balanced.

Thinking of you and hoping you find some of that peace.

I hear ya Moo. And you're right. My family could be a part of whatever I choose, and support me. But in a way, I actually kind of crave to be alone. Hate to say it because it somehow sounds ungrateful of my gift of R and family. But just an hour or so every few days, to not have to worry about where the kids are, if they are behaving and not killing each other. To not have to deal with the tantrums and whining and, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..." I'm just. tired.

Whether I put them in a program to give me some "me-time", or put myself in a program. Either way, I think the break would do all of us some good.

BTW you'll have to let me know which one of us front seat passengers dared to ask that question.

Everyone was kind of asking each other what they did. I was content to just sit back and listen to y'all. gahurts ruined that for me and rattled my cage. Thanks man.

Cross posted with stroppy. I've never really thought of myself as co-de. Didn't look into it. Maybe I am. I can relate on the "fix it" thing. Maybe I need to look harder at that. *sigh*

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 3:35 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Do you have someone you can drop the kids off with for an hour, and just wander the city? Maybe not someone who will grill you on what you'll be doing, but someone who will just watch the kids for a bit?

When I'm not at work, it's not often that I don't have the kids with me. I know how difficult it is to recalibrate to not having them around. Any classes that pique your interest at the local community college?

I don't know. Thisis a struggle I been having myself, Is taking time to grow yourself to breath such a bad thing. We advise the BS that they need to learn new hobbies do things to make themselves stronger more independent to themselves love themselves. Improve their self esteem.

I am thinking as a WS I need to do that too. That some of those rules belong to me. I need to become stronger , to love myself, and too find myself.

I too have engrossed myself into my family. I having been wanting to have my own business back again and the building is even closer to being done and I don't want it. It will take away from the family, at the same time, it was a goal of mine. I enjoy it, I thrive on it. Its an achievement that meant lots too me the last business I had. I came home to raise our children and sold my business. A resentment I didn't realize was so strong.

The problem is giving up on me.Is that not still Wayward, am I not going to resent that some day. When my BH happens to be having a bad day, and I think of all the work I've done to improve me our life for him me and our children. I don't know.

Like you I struggle with taking me time. or thinking about anything else but the 5 people connected to this house. Everything else is being left and ignored.

This probably not healthy, but really who has the energy!

Stay strong.

My daughter stood in the bathroom, with her arm around my neck, playing candy crush...while I was doing my business.

I hear you Aubrie!! Sometimes I say "I am being pecked to death by chickens."

I think knowing something's gotta give is the first step. Giving yourself permission to not feel guilty is the next one.

Just remember...being a happy mom (wife, friend, sister) makes you a better mom (wife, friend, sister, etc).

Aubrie, you have to reframe this by taking out the 'selfish' part. It's not selfish to have personal interests--it's healthy; it's normal. What's not normal is giving all of your time to your family--seriously, it's not healthy.

Yes, I'm the big, bad out-in-the-world working mom; I went back to work when DS was 6 weeks old, but, you know what? He grew up to be a strong, independent, loving young man. Your kids will too if you give them room by giving yourself some time away from them. I cooked and participated in some sports & scouts with DS, but I always made time for myself. Everyone needs it.

I have hobbies like sewing and knitting and interests like birding and hiking. Some of these can be done in groups; others are best done by myself.

So stop with the 'selfish' and put your energy into your self.

I'm sorry to hear of the rough times and that you're feeling stuck and kind of lost. It seems vitally important that you listen to those feelings of needing your own time and to figuring out who you are. You are more than a wife. More than a mother. Who are you? This is important work and it's not just about needing an hour here or there to yourself. It sounds like you're looking for something deeper than just figuring out a new hobby.

Just as you nurture your marriage and kids with time and attention, you have to nurture yourself. Do you believe you're worth it? Do you believe you deserve it? Do you believe that you are a special and unique soul with her own gifts and her own voice?

I had my thing that I did through out the time that my children were growing up. I went through a period recently a few years ago where I felt like I had spent too much time doing it and sat my kids down to apologize to them for that. Turns out they didn't think so at all. They had enjoyed being raised in a house full of dogs, some of their best memories are around our dogs. They were either with me doing dog things or with their dad doing sports things.

I had to do something to stay sane. To retain who I was, not just a mom, not just a wife. But TG.

You do to. Find what that something is. And do it. And have fun.

I totally relate. It was always agreed with my H that I would do the bulk of the child rearing and work on the "side". I understood the importance of this and have been doing a good job.

I've realised that in actual fact this has been detrimental to me but obviously very beneficial to the family.

I've decided I want to re-negotiate this arrangement and start my own business. I'm still battling with how this will affect my children but am determined to do both; raise my kids AND work.

This will not go down well with H as "he makes more money than me" and one of us needs to stay home with the kids (as that's how we want to raise them). Our first session of MC basically revolved around how this issue has affected our M.

This is going to be a tough one as I have a feeling he's not going to back down BUT as everyone is saying, a happy mum is a more healthy and nicer mum to be around for the WHOLE family.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 1:45 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Lots to think about, thanks.

WH5, good question. I don't really have anyone other than family to watch the kids. But based on my confession to Mother and comments she made, I feel confident I could leave the kids and just go. And if I'm questioned, I'll do something different.

I'm looking into classes at several different venues. Trying to make up my mind what I should try first.

918Mama, Dear Lord. I can at least use the loo alone. It's just if I'm in there longer than a minute and a half, they're banging on the door.

Sad in AZ, I understand. It's difficult to be "ok" with doing something different, when just the opposite has always been modeled and lectured to me. kwim? There's an expectation that I do the same thing I was raised in. To break out of the "rut" and do something different is nerve-wracking.

GraceRunner, I'm starting to realize more and more that I am worth it. I'm worth more than alot of the stuff I or others put me thru. I allowed that. This "come to Jesus" was part of that process. Voicing for the first time, "You know, I'm worth more than what I'm dealing with. I'm worth more than scraps of leftovers." I think the step after knowing your worth it is the action of proving it. The action of doing something to back those words up.

A sorta-friend called me a couple days ago and had this spur of the moment party. (Selling a product) Anyway, I went because if nothing else, it got me out of the house for an hour. Walked into a setting where I "kinda" know my sorta-friend, and everyone else in the room was not only a stranger to me, but totally didn't seem to be "my type". (Yes, I actually thought that.) Sat thru the awkward presentation, the speaker left, the ice finally broke, and we sat and talked for 3 hours. Those colorful, flamboyant people that weren't "my type"? Yeah, we shared a similar belief and had a great discussion. Not only did I realize that I was intelligent enough to carry on an adult conversation, but was reminded again to not be so quick to judge a book by its cover.

Probably the best part was coming home and seeing QS and the kids and not feeling the least bit guilty for being out way later than originally planned. I'm "allowed" to do that. It's ok. And the kids were fine. And QS was fine.

Lame for some of you, but geez Louise, it's a big deal for me. Living the high life here people.

Aubrie, you have to reframe this by taking out the 'selfish' part. It's not selfish to have personal interests--it's healthy; it's normal. What's not normal is giving all of your time to your family--seriously, it's not healthy.

I completely agree with this. Congrats on the party outcome.

t/j,

Trying,

So we were talking about hobbies and you are talking about starting a business. Not only did you have an affair on your H, but you are now going to tell him he has to suck it up concerning a prior arrangement concerning the children and how they are raised. Do you think this is fair?

I've realised that in actual fact this has been detrimental to me but obviously very beneficial to the family.

I've decided I want to re-negotiate this arrangement and start my own business. I'm still battling with how this will affect my children but am determined to do both; raise my kids AND work.

This will not go down well with H as "he makes more money than me" and one of us needs to stay home with the kids (as that's how we want to raise them). Our first session of MC basically revolved around how this issue has affected our M.

This is going to be a tough one as I have a feeling he's not going to back down BUT as everyone is saying, a happy mum is a more healthy and nicer mum to be around for the WHOLE family.

end t/j

Lame for some of you, but geez Louise, it's a big deal for me. Living the high life here people.

Not lame at all!!! That's awesome, Aubrie!!!

Thanks MJ and UO. Baby steps. Again. Guess I didn't "get it" right the first time.

Not only did you have an affair on your H, but you are now going to tell him he has to suck it up concerning a prior arrangement concerning the children and how they are raised. Do you think this is fair?

Kind of thought this myself. Trying33, your Dday is relatively recent and you were pining over your AP till pretty recently as well. Don't you think that a more stable R is more vital than building a business? Don't get me wrong, doing something for yourself is imperative. But to pour yourself into a new business? Do you really think you are going to have the time and/or energy to "deal" with your BH and his triggers, doubts, fears, the kids, and everything else life throws at you?

Do something for yourself yeah. But I'm thinking start small. Yeah I had a level 7 meltdown last week. Yeah I need to have more "me" time. But we're for the "most" part, very stable in our R.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:55 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Aubrie I think a lot of us go through this, it's not really anything to do with being a WS, BS, or even SAHM, or Working mom. I think in our efforts to be the best we can be to give our kids the best opportunities to have a great life, we loose who we are.

This happened with me completely, and it wasn't until after Dday that I realized EVERYTHING I did EVERY Minute of EVERY day was for the kids, the husband or of course my job. I had lost me. I no longer quilted, I no longer exercised, I no longer shopped for myself even. It's crazy, but I think it happens to a lot of us, and unfortunately it does take a level 7 meltdown for us to stop and realize it.

NOW LET ME SAY THIS: Girl I give you all the kudos in the world for being a SAHM, who does home schooling. This is something that makes me shake just thinking about it. I have to work, always have, always will. I am passionate about what I do, and that is great, I also love my kids to death, but I am not the one to be their educator for all things.

You are correct in needing time for you. We all do, and when we do finally put ourselves first we find that we are more effective in our other roles in life. Believe me, spending a few hours working the hives, extracting honey, or making lotion bars, does me a world of good. So does going to get a mani, pedi, or massage. We need to put ourselves first, and feel good about it.

Start looking for new things that intrest you. I became one hell of a chef, and beekeeper. I would also love to work at the local no kill shelter, but have forbidden myself, aftraid that I may end up with 10 dogs and 30 cats.

NOW LET ME SAY THIS: Girl I give you all the kudos in the world for being a SAHM, who does home schooling.

It was almost "expected" as I was homeschooled. Felt the pressure to do it because my Mother did it, we all turned out normal and well adjusted, and it's just an awesome thing dontcha know!?

It's incredibly scary. And there are days where I run and hide in my closet. And then there are days like today when DD misspelled "come" (use your imagination) and right after that wrote "wet" instead of "what". I can't keep a straight face and I'm texting pictures of her work to my husband and we laugh hysterically. I'd miss those opportunities if she was in public/private school.

What helped take the pressure off is to say, "We're homeschooling one year at a time. we are planning nothing long term. What works this year may change next year." And the tremendous weight has been lifted off my chest. I know there is an escape should we need it. I've laid aside other's expectations and made the choices for myself.

Start looking for new things that intrest you.

Work in progress. A bit overwhelmed. I think I'm just gonna close my eyes, point somewhere on the list, and see where it takes me.

You know the one thing that I really want to do, and haven't made time for because I'm so damn busy with my bees, it pottery. I would love to take a class, and make a few things. I love playing in the dirt and mud, and love doing woodworking, so I think it would kind of pull those things together.

Maybe this winter......While the bees are cold.