Here I am again. Same place. Trying to find the courage to change the cycle. Deja vu? Yeah I know. Like I said, stuck.
We've always been so careful not to fill our lives up with "stuff". We have tons of friends who do "stuff" every day of the week. They run themselves ragged with "stuff". They seem to have no family time. QS and I didn't want that for ourselves. We don't sign up for every club, class, sport, or event in the county. We choose to be more simplistic and focus on what we feel is important. Family time.
Since Dday, I've secluded myself even further into this family bubble. If there were any extra-curricular activity, it halted. All my focus has been on QS, me, and the kids. IF I do anything, it's church related and 9 times out of 10, QS and/or the kids are with me.
Everyone's all, "Take time for yourself. Be selfish. You have to find yourself and be secure it that." Yeah ok, I know, whatever. And I continue to entangle myself in my family, convinced that that's really what it's all about anyway. After all, I could have lost them. I want to make every moment with them count.
Things have been really hairy around here lately. Been laying low and working to put out fires on the home front. Got to the point where we were almost completely consumed by the flames and dying. Pretty rough place to be. Terrifying, honestly. Had a "come to Jesus" of sorts. Things are improved for the time being. Don't know how long it will last or if it will stay that way. Not going to go into detail but suffice it to say, UO's post on "Successful toxicity" pretty much sums it up.
I've been struggling with my "role" as a wayward, and my "right" as an equal partner in the relationship. Finding the nerve to voice my own hurts, concerns, and "This isn't working" stuff. Who am I? Stay at home mother who homeschools the children. Who am I as an individual person? *shrug* What am I all about? QS and the kids. Raising my offspring. Being a partner to QS. What am I as an individual? *shrug*
Something keeps coming back into my mind. It was at the Chattanooga G2G last year. There were several of us in the car driving to a tourist trap and an SIer asked, "So Aubrie, who are are you? What do you do?" I went blank. I stared at the back of their head and hem-hawed around. I still cringe thinking about it. I'm a SAHM. "What are you hobbies?" Ummm...I dabble...little bit of everything... I couldn't say with confidence, "Bitches, I'm a stamp collector!" or "My volleyball team is #1 in our division." And maybe it's ok that I'm a Pinterest crafter. I've done some really cool things. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence in my work.
If, (and it doesn't seem like such an obscure, far-off question anymore) if I find myself alone and loose everything, what am I? Who am I?
At the end of the day, I realized, truly realized that I need to do something for me. Not do it for 2 weeks and back off. Not push it off because QS or the kids need/want something. Not push it off out of guilt because QS has been working 45 days straight and we need "family time". I'm not a doormat. I'm a human being. And just as they have their activities and interests, I'm "allowed" to cultivate my own. I'm "allowed" to be selfish. I'm "allowed" to be alone and do things that interest me. I'm "allowed" to have downtime. And I need to be confident in doing whatever it is I choose to do.
And really, if my family wants a sane, whole person, it's imperative. I keep burning out. It builds and builds, till I loose my mind. It's not fair to anyone in the family and it's not fair to me. I just can't do it anymore.
I've discovered that past interests are just ruined for me. Already tried the whole, "Defeat the trigger! Don't let it rule you!" thing. Don't bother. It's gone. Over. Finished. I need to move on to something else. It's daunting to realize, there's a whole buttload of stuff out there to do. I don't even know where to begin.
A recent health issue is forcing me into at least 1 new "hobby". Can't say that I'm thrilled about it, but it's something different from my "normal". It's one step in the right direction.
Almost 2 years out and still learning. Still changing.