This is really troubling. I don't see you as judgy/bitchy. I understand your concern after reading this. On what basis are you thinking he will right things quickly once school is finished? IDK, Cresc. I have a bad feeling about this.
It gives me a bad feeling too, but then he has been supporting himself just fine until I came along. He has work experience in the field he is pursuing his degree in (CIS, systems securities), and he has a lot of connections through friends and the military. His expenses aren't that great, and he isn't a big spender. Perhaps I make it sound dire since he is currently spending more than he is bringing in, but even a part time job would fix this. Once he starts working he should be quite comfortable. It's just a matter of will he want to and how hard will he try.
Sean, the thing I am struggling with as far as a come to Jesus, he is an adult and we aren't married. If he is comfortable scraping by and not planning for the future/emergencies, that is his choice, even if I don't agree with it. I can't insist he get a job for fun money and savings if he is pulling his weight on joint bills and not asking me to pay more than my share.
ETA: He has said he wants/needs a job, but I can't be the one to flip the switch between, oh it would be nice, and active pursuit.
[This message edited by Crescita at 4:19 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
No, going all in before wasn't worth it at all, to me, IMO.
They were right about you.
Before you gave background, my comment was going to be something along the lines of I will go all in emotionally, but not financially. I've already supported someone once, and I won't do it again. If I get serious with someone, he must have decent retirement savings, a salary close enough to mine that it won't preclude us from doing things (or me having to pay for everything and resent it) and our financial philosophies must match.
I don't know -- a lot of what you write is pretty red-flaggish if you see a real future with this guy, and your further explanation sounds like a lot of making excuses to explain away something that bothers you. Of course, that's me sitting here on the outside. But cashing in retirement is such a HUGE financial set-back. And, it would be one thing if he were going to school full-time and working a part-time job, but the way you describe his recent actions makes me think that you're seeing the real him after a couple of years (in terms of his work ethic) which could cause major problems if you see a future together. That type of personality trait is usually pervasive and not something that really changes.
But I could be full of beans! Definitely trust your gut and communicate!!!
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Iím still at wait and see, but at least he knows how I feel about things.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley