This is really troubling. I don't see you as judgy/bitchy. I understand your concern after reading this. On what basis are you thinking he will right things quickly once school is finished? IDK, Cresc. I have a bad feeling about this.
It gives me a bad feeling too, but then he has been supporting himself just fine until I came along. He has work experience in the field he is pursuing his degree in (CIS, systems securities), and he has a lot of connections through friends and the military. His expenses aren't that great, and he isn't a big spender. Perhaps I make it sound dire since he is currently spending more than he is bringing in, but even a part time job would fix this. Once he starts working he should be quite comfortable. It's just a matter of will he want to and how hard will he try.
Sean, the thing I am struggling with as far as a come to Jesus, he is an adult and we aren't married. If he is comfortable scraping by and not planning for the future/emergencies, that is his choice, even if I don't agree with it. I can't insist he get a job for fun money and savings if he is pulling his weight on joint bills and not asking me to pay more than my share.
ETA: He has said he wants/needs a job, but I can't be the one to flip the switch between, oh it would be nice, and active pursuit.
[This message edited by Crescita at 4:19 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
No, going all in before wasn't worth it at all, to me, IMO.
Before you gave background, my comment was going to be something along the lines of I will go all in emotionally, but not financially. I've already supported someone once, and I won't do it again. If I get serious with someone, he must have decent retirement savings, a salary close enough to mine that it won't preclude us from doing things (or me having to pay for everything and resent it) and our financial philosophies must match.
I don't know -- a lot of what you write is pretty red-flaggish if you see a real future with this guy, and your further explanation sounds like a lot of making excuses to explain away something that bothers you. Of course, that's me sitting here on the outside. But cashing in retirement is such a HUGE financial set-back. And, it would be one thing if he were going to school full-time and working a part-time job, but the way you describe his recent actions makes me think that you're seeing the real him after a couple of years (in terms of his work ethic) which could cause major problems if you see a future together. That type of personality trait is usually pervasive and not something that really changes.
But I could be full of beans! Definitely trust your gut and communicate!!!
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I’m still at wait and see, but at least he knows how I feel about things.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley