I've never given my story or any real background on why I've been unwilling to do so on here and I wasn't sure which forum to use - hope this is appropriate. So here goes and it will be long:
Background: One day a while after the blindside on DDay, I clicked on an ad for SI. I'm sure I was so confused and in shock that I didn't realize the differences in the forums and have no idea which I was reading. But, it seemed that everyone knew each other and each other's stories. I felt like an outsider who was reading someone else's personal emails and it just felt wrong. Besides, without joining, I couldn't post anything or ask any questions, just read more of these back and forth personal messages.
I really needed help (the kind we get here), but thought this wasn't the place. I must have clicked on an ad for SI several times over the months following DDay while xpos was playing his tricks on me and always felt the same way - that this wasn't what I was looking for.
I was seeing some of my friends often and talking with them and others that offered advice. I was very open about it from the beginning. One went through this a long time ago and offered good advice that I didn't believe at first, but later found she was spot-on with it, just like here. Another is a clinical psychologist who had a MC practice with her H until he retired (and has since passed away) and a third who was on almost exactly the same timeline and was formerly a public health nurse supervisor who has taken MANY psychology classes to help deal with the clients her department served, especially in their homes. They were helping me deal with him and my emotions. The two professionals were the first to tell me - they knew immediately - that he was very controlling, which I did not believe. I was sharing his emails and texts with them, looking for help dealing with him, and they finally convinced me. They also knew that he would not/could not stop being controlling of me.
And he still is playing games, even though he married the last slut immediately after D and tells everyone how happy he has made himself. He did what he needed to do to make himself happy. He is happy for the first time in his life and finally knows what love is!
Well, back to SI - when I finally felt it could help and went to sign up, I received a response that I was denied because my ISP address had been a member, had broken the rules, and was blocked from returning. I was horrified!! I had never tried to join before and I had to think that HE joined and was blocked. But why would HE join? I wanted to be able to ask questions and respond to some things, so I fired off a plea that stated that I had NEVER put anything on this site and REALLY NEEDed the help of the site, so PLEASE let me join. I was sure they wouldn't tell me if he was the one who was blocked, so my only option was to beg and plead innocence.
All during this time, he kept sending me emails and texts, was coming to the house all the time, seemed to know everything I was doing, knew exactly when I was busy and would complicate matters for me by demanding something else of my time. It's as if he was somehow spying on me. I felt that if I put anything about us on SI, he would know it; that it would give him another edge, another way to know what I was thinking and doing. After all, they said this ISP was on here.
He promised he would not ever bring the slut to my home and also that he would never come here if I wasn't here. When he KNEW I was out of the state - with all our (grown) children - he brought her here to the house and tried everything he could to get inside (the locks and garage codes were changed). He also spent the time I was away texting me and sending emails that he knew I could do nothing about from where I was. I stopped reading them after the first few because I knew he was just trying to ruin my time with the family. He was told he was neither invited nor wanted at the gathering.
All this and all the other things he has done to me have made me feel as if I couldn't put anything on here. I have been gone a LOT from the house and he seems to know my every move - still! and we have been D for 18 months - and I get court paper or L letters sometimes the minute I get home. He drives by the house - the marital home that I know own - several times a week. He has been on the property lately when I was not here - I was told he was here "for a WHILE" one day! So what was he doing out of his vehicle and around my house???? You can bet I looked very closely at every inch of everything I could think of he could have tampered with. The locks were changed long since and that was a sore spot with him that it was done months before the D was final and his L told him he had a right to call a locksmith and break in (the weekend I was gone with the kids). And you would think he was saying he deserved a medal for the restraint he showed in not doing it when he was telling me about it.
And, a HUGE reason I have been paranoid is because my IC is convinced he tried to kill DD and me. I was sure he did not, because DD was there visiting and she was always his favorite - his "baby". Many months later, I found out that she had a big blowup with him just the day before that. That realization shook my whole being!
So, you see, I'm reclaiming SI for ME and putting it on here. If he should be spying and recognize all this and cause trouble over it, well, that would just prove that he recognizes all he has done!! It would be an admission of sorts. When I went to the SI G2G in June, they helped me reclaim one place for me. Last winter I had reclaimed another and now SI!!
Now that I feel freed of this, I have some more things to post in NB!
I'm sorry this was so long and I'm sure it was rambling. Thanks for reading, my friends.
As for him knowing details of your life, comings and goings, etc. have you considered stalking charges against him? Unless he has someone spying on you or is doing it himself, there's no way he could know that much detail. It would seem to me that it's a major invasion of privacy.
OTOH, it tells me that all is not well in Fantasyland with him and OW. If it were, he wouldn't be so interested in *your* life. They may need *you* to keep their relationship going. So, do what you can to stop being the glue that holds them together.
Again, congrats on reclaiming a little more for *you*.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
Being paranoid is one of the many things he told me were my problems. Now I know I have reason to be. But I refuse to live like this any longer.
Last spring when I returned home, I thought about changing ICs. I'm so glad I didn't! There have been three startling revelations there since that seem to have freed me. The last one, especially. 1) he is SA, 2) he tried to kill us and 3) I had Stockholm Syndrome! I was in denial about each, got books about 1 and 3 and had to accept that they are true. After facing the facts IC stated, I have to accept 2 as the truth also.
A few people have suggested I seek protection under the law. I'm not sure I wouldn't just sound paranoid for asking with no real proof.
I agree with Clarrissa - stalking charges, perhaps? That he spends time on your property, seems to know everything you do, comes by when you're not there (and brings her there to boot), *especially* because your IC was concerned over an incident with you and your DD... This person sounds very intimidating and unsafe.
Is it possible that he's installed a keylogger? Or knows your passwords to your email? Or is looking in your mail? I'm not trying to make you more paranoid, I'm just trying to think of ideas of how he could be getting the information and how to block him. Can you get a nanny camera or a VAR and leave them on when you're away? Are your neighbors aware of the situation? Can people keep an eye out for him and help protect you?
Seriously, he sounds like a scary person.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.
I'm not sure I wouldn't just sound paranoid for asking with no real proof.
I don't know the rules around this sort of thing, but is there any way your IC could release a statement to LE? After all, IC has heard that you and your DD were in danger, surely that would count?
Now the only ways he has of reaching me are house phone and mail. I blocked him online and changed my cell #. My phone holds 50 calls in caller ID and a while ago, 25 of the 50 were "Unknown Caller". I get them all.the.time, all times of the day and evening, several a day, but none came while I was just away for over 2 weeks and only one came while he was out of the state. Is that coincidence?
Is it possible that he's installed a keylogger? Or knows your passwords to your email?
This was another paranoia inducer. I have FB set to tell me of any log-ins not from my home (only here at that time) and I received a notification of one from where he and slut were living when he first left. I had logged on from his netbook that we used when traveling. They must have been able to get in on that. I immediately changed my password and made him bring his netbook over so I could delete me from it.
I have thought about the cameras and have neighbors on alert. They see him/them all the time, but only stopping in the road at the end of the driveway since that one day. And often the unknown caller calls come when he is out there or between passes by. He has family in the neighborhood too, but never went to their houses as much in all the years he lived here by them as he goes by in one week now. One consolation, his vehicle only gets a few miles a gallon and they now live across the county, so each "visit" must cost him close to $10!
I just got another unknown caller call. That's two this evening.
I've begged my DD NOT to put anything about me on FB, but she still does. He could have found out when I was coming home last spring from what she had on there, but some other things baffle me.
Also, you can purchase inexpensive but VERY effective door & window alarms. They are magnetic, so if the door or window is opened you'll hear a 100 db shriek. You'll know. Your neighbors will know. The folks up on the orbiting space station will know. IT's LOUD!
When I kicked STBX out of the house it took me a while to get out of my habit of learned helplessness. I still struggle with it sometimes. I'm wondering if maybe you are struggling with it, too?
IMHO, it sounds like you were gaslighted during your marriage. It makes you doubt everything.
On a lighter note, buy an air horn, when Unknown Name comes up on caller ID, answer and give a little blast into the phone, that should clear up that problem
Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
TBH...this sounds really scary to me. If you don't mind sharing, and I totally understand if you don't...he tried to kill you and DD? Geez do you have a dog. They hear things we don't, especially when we are sleeping
Thanks, Ostrich80. It scares me sometimes too. I would rather not put it on here what he did. If you (or anyone else) still want to know, please PM me.
Several ppl have suggested to me that I get a dog. I love them and would love to have one, but I'm gone too much. It wouldn't be good for the dog.
N_G, I'm not sure what you mean by "learned helplessness"? I have a few things going on. Cameras and such have been suggested to me also, but the whole thing may be moot in a bit.
Imagoodwitch, I was gaslighted for sure! I'm learning just how much and about what. He never told me the truth!
LOL, I love the idea of the air horn, but the phone company told me that most "unknown caller" calls are companies, so I wouldn't want to break the eardrums of someone who was only doing their job (although I am on the Do Not Call List). However it can be used for cell phones, and that is what he would be using when he is sitting in the road at the end of the driveway. How would I know the difference? (If only I could be sure it was xpos!) I have no idea if he has a home phone now or just uses the cell.
A few things about my immediate future have changed and I will start another post about all that.