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Newest Member: alwaysnforever (44266)

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User Topic: The long term consequences of my bad treatment of others.
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this is in general, because I can be straight talking.

Your ex is an ASSHOLE.

He is disrespecting you. Every single thing you described = HE IS AN ASSHOLE.

Kalliopeia, you are not treating anyone badly. If anything, you are treating him a lot more nicely than he deserves. Because, did I mention,

HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

This man is not worth your time. He is not worth you hanging around waiting for him to respond to you. He is not worth one iota of your attention.

Because...

HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

You may still love him (truly, I understand that), but you can get over that with time.

I would go NC. Hefty bag his crap (that's what ASSHOLES have), dump it on the lawn, and move him out.

Time to block that asshole.

Ahhhh, I feel better now!

BTW, my H used to do the walking away, not responding bit (more passive than aggressive), even before the A, and it got us close to divorce. Started up again during and after his A -- part of the reason that we almost D (that and the lying by omission). Even without the A's, the OC's, the gaslighting, your ex's behavior is completely unacceptable.

You aren't married. Dump this ASSHOLE.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Sep 2012
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others - he's playing games to control you.

So, this has been going on for a while - the dynamic is somewhat predictable, right? Can you change up your response to his blocking and other silly tactics? As in, no response?

I totally get the rage response to his idiotic behaviour - he really is almost unbelievable in his immaturity.

Bottom line is that it's up to you to stop your part in it. No engaging, no escalating, no reacting. That is the tough part.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

basically we got back together a few months ago. reconcilling.

It was actually going pretty well, he was behaving very decently, things were significantly improving.

Then THIS 2 days ago.

So yes, I was wiling to try again. Yes, it was truely improving. Really, it DID take me by surprise.

So I am listening to you guys, but honestly I am in some shock over the sudden about face on his part.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am listening to you guys, but honestly I am in some shock over the sudden about face on his part.

2x4 coming....
There is no "about face" here. All he did was dupe you into trying again. There is only so long he can pretend to be different before his true nature comes out again.

This guy has you trained like a whipped dog Kalliopeia. Do you not see who manipulative he truly is? Do you not see that he has you doubting yourself? He treats you like shit and you just keep saying "please sir, may I have some more?". Stop allowing him to treat you this way. Stop participating in this crazy cycle of manipulation. Get away from this guy. He is nothing but bad news for you.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli, that's how *these* people work.
They know just what to say and what to do to get you back on the hook....and then it all starts over again.

Seriously. It is a sick and incredibly unhealthy dynamic that will emotionally destroy you.......Shut.It.Down.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7695 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeh :(

tbh, I am in a weak state atm. I have another issue going on in my life. The feelings of grief and guilt I have been experiencing has lost me my appetite. I weighed 94 pounds this morning and no desire to eat in site.

this latest from him and I am feeling what is the use of anuthing. i had just enough energy from anger yesterday to post here.

he has run off, so I don't expect him to stop raging over anything soon anyway. I blocked him on skype. for all intents and purposes, I would not expect him to show back up for months again anyway.

just feel broadly very hurt.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
doodley
♀ Member
Member # 21433
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please take care of you

((Kalli))


It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife would disappear in exactly the same way when she was involved in her affair.

We would be talking in AIM then hours go by with nothing. I have some logs from years ago where they are timestamped and I send the occasional IM after I wind down the one sided convo and hours later she reappears with "Oh I was around just busy" or "I had to run take care of XYZ" - a couple of occasions it was actually "Weird I didn't get your IMs."

We also played an MMO together and her interaction with me there tapered off as she spent more time with OM in the game right there under my nose, pretending to be someone else.

I don't know if that's what is going on with your situation but it's a 99% match for my experiences and I know I am projecting because I can't see it any other way. There's no reason to not say "I'll bbiab" or something at the very least.

Sorry you're dealing with that shit, whatever it turns out to be.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7363 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can't eat, maybe you could try a little soup? Or a meal replacement drink? You need at least some nutrition, otherwise everything gets harder.

((((Kalliopeia))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

How many times are you going to do this dance with him?

Definitiion of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different results.

The crazy ends when you get off the tracks from the constant oncoming trains.

You will NEVER get him to admit what he is doing, or that he is wrong. If that is why you keep going back and forth with him, stop. NC will release you, but you have to have the willpower to maintain the NC.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if I wanted to, I can't get very far with him. It's been 6 months since the past blocking happened. I thought we moved past that.

All I can figure is he had a conflict with his ex wife. Monday was her birthday and in the past she has felt entitled to attention and a gift from him. It's not past her to pounce on him and drama there. Then it gets dumped on me without explanation. It's happned before. He won't say something upsetting happened, and if I don't pick up cues, then it gets taken out on me beause I was silly enough to talk to him too much or became miffed about being hung up on.

@ stillgoing, exactly that. We talk throughout the day. or did. so it was not unusual, since he is at work in an office, for him to afk periodically. it's when he is clearly available, in the middle of discussion and then disappears. I would appraciate a goodbye or need to do something or whatever.

But as people say here, basically he has not changed his spots. I thought he was trying :(


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possibly. I just remember feeling like I was the crazy/paranoid person in the room for freaking out over something apparently so minor. The reason I started logging my chats at all was the verify my own sanity.

At the absolute very least it is rude and inconsiderate.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7363 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this makes a difference.
He is Russian. He learned English as a young man while he was studying at MIPT in Moscow.

Classic geek with advanced degrees in mathematics and physics.

I don't know if it is cultural, him or the language.

I was going to respond to the thing about my fingers learning lessons.

He says if I write too much at once, he gets overwhelmed and is looking at what feels to him like a "wall of text" so he gets frustrated. I really try to condense things for him, but it can be really hard to say how you feel, and why and what you need in less than 50 words.

If that changes view for anyone here, I am sorry I didn't make sure people know about the different nationality.

My brain is messed up today.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
sg2008
♀ Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry but why would you think his Nationality changes anything? His Nationality has nothing to do with his abusive behaviour, disappearing acts and cheating. It seems more like you are trying to find an excuse for him so that people will say "awe...he isn't so bad after all!" and you have permission to keep him a part of your life.

I know it can be hard to detach but truthfully, this is going nowhere fast and you will continually find yourself back here posting the same things and getting the same advice in return. By sticking with this ass you are stopping yourself from eventually meeting someone who will treat you with real love and respect. It is time to disconnect and start moving on towards a happier and healthier life. Counselling can really help with this.


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this makes a difference.
He is Russian.

All that does is tell us he is a Russian manipulative asshole instead of just a manipulative asshole.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says if I write too much at once, he gets overwhelmed and is looking at what feels to him like a "wall of text" so he gets frustrated. I really try to condense things for him, but it can be really hard to say how you feel, and why and what you need in less than 50 words.
Some people, Russian or not, do not like walls of text and communicate better in person, with regular talking, than with reading and writing (I'm married to someone like that).

But believe me I am not defending your asshole, except to say one more time you both have HUGE issues and he has issues with you too, quite possibly some of them are legitimate in his way of thinking, but regardless of whether any of his gripes against you have merit, I repeat, it is time to put a period at the end of this relationship. You are not good for each other.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5682 | Registered: Apr 2006
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His action was never the problem that we dealt with, it was my *reaction* that he turned the focus on to and declared to be the issue. It was NEVER about the event that preceded my *talking to him in the wrong way or saying the wrong thing to him*.

Gonnabe2016 I so love your posts!!! So fucking true! This is the story of my life with WH. God forbid anyone makes him feel bad or uncomfortable in any way or he might just have to get back in a passive-aggressive bullsh*t kind of way. F*cktards

Sorry (((Kalliopeia))) I am in agreement that your WH is a total Douchebag. Keep your chin up hun brighter days ahead okay?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lotsa red flags here. He is playing the manipulation game and damn it he's good at it. It goes something like this: I piss her off, she blows and then I can tell everyone No wonder I cheated. She's crazy.
It's right out of the emotional abusers handbook on page 23. 180 sounds really good here. Stop reacting and I think you need to do some digging.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:48 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why other people deliberately inflcit hurt for no real reason, then escalate it and rage when they get an upset response :(

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Kalliopeia)))) Honey - you have to turn your focus away from him and trying to figure out what he's thinking/doing.

You are not ok right now, and self-care has to be your priority. Please see your doctor and get checked out.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 65
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