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Newest Member: tryingtoR (44315)

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User Topic: The long term consequences of my bad treatment of others.
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalliopeia, I see a lot of the old me in you. A book that helped me tremendously was "Narcissistic Lovers" It is an easy read and it will help you understand his behavior, your responses, and why the only solution for you is absolute NO CONTACT.

Please read it. I stayed in a terrible marriage for 7 years after DDay, this book helped me find the strength to break away. I am now dating a wonderful man who would never dream of treating me the way my Ex did. There is a wonderful world out here away from the crazy.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kallipeia, Please just listen to these wonderful people here. We have all gone through very similar situations.

Right now you are in the thick of it, and you love this man, we can see that, but what we can also see is that HE WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU THIS WAY, for the rest of your life.

If it sounds like we are all being mean, its because we care. I know you can't see it right now.. so that's why everyone is telling to detach from him - once you'll start to detach, you will start to get stronger, and you will then see your situation much more clearly.

We are all saying, you are young, you can find REAL LOVE again. Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is reciprocated, when he is blocking you, he is manipulating you. Don't let him again!

Have a plan in your head, in writing as to what you going to do, or say - next time he contacts you.

If he unblocks you on SKYPE, then you don't talk to him - YOU BLOCK HIM. Block him on your phone. Change the locks in your place.

Do whatever it takes to detach from this guy.

He does not love you, and if he does, he does NOT love you ENOUGH.

You will survive this, you can do this. You are stronger than you think!


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone here is mean.

I am just sad because I hoped this time it was my fault and I could fix it.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most of us hoped that at one time. Reading through this thread is breaking my heart. Nobody deserves to be treated so poorly.

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just sad because I hoped this time it was my fault and I could fix it.


Hope you feel better soon.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7368 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is Russian. He learned English as a young man while he was studying at MIPT in Moscow.

Is this a long-distance relationship?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you this morning?


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's disappeared MANY times in the past
Gently, this is not in the past. He is doing the same thing now, and blameshifting, to boot.

Marriages involve two people. His involves one: him.

As others have said, this is not going to change.

He is who he is.

Please don't be like me. Don't invest 3 decades of your life believing that there's something wrong with YOU, that if only YOU did something differently, he would love you the way he should.

He won't. He likely can't. At best, he just doesn't want to. At worst, he's missing that human microchip that allows him to form empathy and remorse.

His "disappearance" is ... a game. He relishes your response. It's mean, and it's sick, and it's one to which you can put an abrupt stop.

If there were ever a situation for which the 180 was invented, this is the one.

Do not engage in any more of the, "oh, please--talk to me! don't run away!" game.

It's not helping you, and he's getting off on it. Oh, sure--it might bug him sometimes. But don't for a MINUTE think he's not deriving satisfaction from the response he elicits.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not a long distance relationship.

I am going to go dark on him like one poster suggested. I am feeling really sad and humiliated.

What is the point of trying when someone goes to such extremes to hurt you? I don't feel the love and I don't feel the support and kindness.

And I think it is a game, too. I don't feel like playing it.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli,

Very gently, I would be very shocked if what you feel is Love for this man.

It looks very much like you believe you deserve to be mistreated, and this guy fulfills that desire. This is very unhealthy on your part.

In fact, whatever you've done, you deserve to treat yourself well and to be treated well and to treat others well.

I urge you to get yourself into IC. If you're already doing it, consider getting a new IC.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, and you are still with this guy (still in your head)....because? I don't read any redeeming qualities. Sorry if this is blunt, but I think your self-esteem needs a bit of a boost and you aren't going to get it hanging around this BIG LOSER.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 10:17 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7125 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you guys.

Wether I am with him in my head? Maybe. I am willing to essentially NC for the forseeable future and detach, THEN decide when I have a clearer head.

People commented here that he blameshifts. I feel incredibly guilty for my own actions. And helpless to convince him of how hurtful he is.

So basically I got nowhere to go, except NC.

I have other situations in my life that are in trouble too, my attention needs to be there.

And no, I don't feel the need to be treated badly.

I had a very good male friend last year who stepped in as he saw me going down under this stuff and he showed me what it is like to be cared for by a good guy.

Unfortunately he started to develope feelings for me and I realized I was relying on him too much, so I ended the friendship.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi K,
I was in a relationship just like the one you're describing. The incidentals were different, but the dynamic was exactly the same.

Everyone said the same things to me:

"you need to end this"...

"your looking for reason, where there is none."

"You two are are bad for each other".

But I couldn't end it. That relationship literally changed my brain chemistry in an OCD type of way.

I had children from my previous marriage, for their sake, I went to my Dr. I told him everything. I explained that I could not stop obsessing on this person.

He prescribed Zoloft, and a short course of Xanax. Only then was I able to do, what I knew for Sooo long was the only sane thing to do!

That relationship made me ill, for whatever reason. I simply could not stop the maddness. much like a person with OCD can't just "stop" compulsive hand washing.

Even with the medication, I still had to force myself, to start taking care of my life, and not look back. It was hard, but I was finally able to do it. Thank God!

Just throwing that out there for your consideration. You seem to be so stuck in that destructive loop. it's like a really strong Rip Tide. No shame in needing some help to get out.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ironically, I started zoloft a week ago, along with xanax which I started in August.

Panic attacks.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 10:36 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli,

I never visit the R forum so I am new to your story here, but the title of this thread caught my eye.

So as a new observer, just taking in the situation as you've described it here, I have two comments.

First, if this back-n-forth blocking, accusing, avoiding, blocking, accusing, avoiding cycle is the entire context of your relationship, why on earth are you trying to continue it? Is there anything positive coming out of this? It doesn't really sound like, and that's no way to live.

And second, I think you need to admit to yourself that him cheating was simply a deal breaker for you. I think you've lashed out and become this angry, unhappy version of yourself because you're trying to force yourself to accept something that is not acceptable. Not everyone can get past an A. And its OKAY if you are in that group. It doesn't mean you are weak, or mean, or too bitter or whatever else. It simply means that his action (HIS!!) crossed a line in your heart that you can't go back.

Please forgive yourself for not being able to forgive him. Stop punishing yourself by staying in this toxic relationship, and letting him abuse you like this. It's not worth it. HE'S not worth it.

It's time to move on and heal.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 670 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had really, really bad anxiety and anxiety attacks while she was taking welbutrin. Was definitely the meds. You should tell your doc that you're experiencing anxiety ASAP, if it is related to your meds there is no reason to torture yourself even more.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7368 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The panic attacks are caused by anything he does that triggers off feelings I may be abandoned. This includes talking to other women, anything at all to do with the EA woman, his ex wife trying to pounce on him, him disappearing for more than a day without touching base. Him walking off in the middle of conversations.

And...the blocking.

Typically any discord is set off by him acting "affair-like".

And what I do is talk too much or write too much ( according to him because english is not his first language it really pisses him off)

I have said to him, since he knows I have panic attacks, why get so angry and start blocking?

The more he blocks, the more I panic and the more I talk/write.

I have been trying to break that reaction with the meds and IF I catch myself soon enough, it works just fine.

BUT his angry reactions and the whole immature walking out in a rage or blocking or saying things he really shouldn't be saying... just makes it worse.

And he says he is sorry for what he did. I tell him his "sorry" is when he is patient and takes the time to listen or help.

He says he wears out on it.

And to me, the last time he was still cheating was at the middle of May, 2013.

I shut down skype, etc.

It's not that I can't get over the affairs. It's that he is trying to rugsweep and gets angry and bullying if I am having a problem (triggering, or sad)

I understand it gets hard being the bad guy, and I try to pace myself so I am not taking on too much at once.

I just think he is being an ass right now. Well he blocked me, so he can be an ass by himself, because I blocked him back.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following your post Kalli and my heart hurts for you. It looks like you've already received a lot of great advice, so I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Big hugs to you! I hope you are doing ok. Take care :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have to read past the part about how he hasn't had contact with his kids to know... THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE. You've said his ex is crazy, but that's you if you stay with this guy. Look at how he treats others - clearly, like shit.

And I agree with everyone that you really have to figure out why you find this acceptable. Please see an IC. And I literally blinked and shook my head about how you found a nice guy but ditched him when he developed feelings for you. WTF? Let me say that again. WTF? What is THAT about? And yet you're drawn to this abusive ASSHOLE? Please, please think about this.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you should contact this guy again...and see if he's still interested in being your friend?
I had a very good male friend last year who stepped in as he saw me going down under this stuff and he showed me what it is like to be cared for by a good guy.

Unfortunately he started to develope feelings for me and I realized I was relying on him too much, so I ended the friendship.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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